The Seashell and the Sword – A Poem

I am pushing past the layers of myself.

Using a sword, I try to find the portal

to the deeper self which I hold inside.

It has remained in the dark for too long.

Letting the sword guide me with its light,

I feel the wind is at my back and the aroma of earth

is in my nostrils. I can smell cedarwood

and the fragrance of a fire long since burned out.

The scent of pine is on my fingers as I delve further,

trying to find the pulse that is within in me.

The sword breaks through a layer that has remained hidden

and I follow the glow that shows itself

in colours of cerulean blue and peacock green.

Water sluices over my skin and the light

begins to fade as I move on.

Past the beat of my heart which I can hear,

a constant tattoo of sound,

there is another thud that is different.

It’s this sound that I am following to its source.

Mismatched and offbeat, it has a rhythm is its own.

Here, there is no light, only and the green and blue reflections

that shine from my skin.

I can see into a cave that is dripping with more water

the colour of a purple sky,

I spot a seashell. It is a deep earthly colour,

copper, rust and mud

and sand falls from my fingers as I pull it free.

I hold the shell for a moment.

It feels heavier than it should. It looks too small

to hold such weight.

I take a deep breath and put the shell to my ear.

“Only girls cry, Jamie. I don’t want to see your tears and if I do, I’ll give you something to cry about.”

As the words fill my head, I can see myself as I used to be,

looking up at my father who loomed like a dark shadow over me.

“You have to give everything you can, Jamie. No one will care that you’re a fucking cripple. You’ll have to give more.”

It didn’t take me too long to realize that he was not

capable of an emotion that should have come without thought.

“What are you? Are you stupid? Are you a stupid cripple? You have to give one hundred and ten percent. Nothing else matters and nothing else will do.”

I take the seashell from my ear. All I can hear

is the drip of water and the beating of my heart.

I step back from myself so that I can find

the entrance to the portal again.

By my side is the sword that helped me find my way

and in my hands is a seashell that contains

the push that I need to leave behind.