I have been trying
to find where it all began;
that seed of shadows,
filled with all of the hatred
for myself that I carry.
When I do go within my mind,
I can see only the knots and tangles,
thorns and brambles.
There is a large forest and
I can see the dark glow of the seed
that was planted inside my mind.
I have been trying to get to it,
to find my way through the thorns.
This has left me no nearer and no closer.
I have been trying for years
to get to the centre
so that I could hold the seed
and find out where it all began.
Standing there on the outside looking in,
that dark star glittering like an eye,
I’ve come to realize
it doesn’t matter how it started,
all that does matter is how I continue.
As I take hold of my sword and hold it high,
the thorn bushes start to tremble.
I look at them shake and writhe in front of me
and I have one moment of indecision,
one millisecond to wonder if I am doing the right thing,
and the branches see that moment and strike.
A bright slash of skin has opened on my arm.
When I look at it,
a quiet storm runs through me.
I know what I have to do.
The sword slashes,
great masses of branches beginning to fall away.
With every cut and every swipe of the sword,
more blood appears on my face and arms
and after a while,
the forest floor is filled with it.
Looking around me,
there are thousands of branches
however, when I look up,
it’s to discover that I’m nowhere closer to the seed,
the place of my self judgement and self hate.
Exhausted, I put my sword away
and back away from the wall of vines, thorns and brambles.
When I do it is to discover that there is a garden.
It stretches on for miles and is full of flora and fauna,
bright flowers that I have never seen,
exotic blooms that are a treat to the nose and the eyes.
Looking at its size,
I know that it has been growing as long
as the wall that protects my dark seed,
perhaps even longer.
When I walk away from the wall and into the garden,
I marvel at its existence.
Having been so focused on the wall of thorns,
I was oblivious to the beauty that was within me.
As I walk down this new pathway,
finding out where the dark seed began no longer matters.
What does matter is walking on this new path,
wherever it will take me.