Dear 2023

Dear 2023,

I’m not sure what you had in mind and I’m really not sure what to think about you, even now as the end of the year is a day away.  

I think I went about 2023 in the wrong way. I kept waiting for something beyond feeling as if I was still living in 2020 and yet, three years later here we are. There is still Covid around us and the pandemic is still going strong. I think my mistake was thinking that 2023 would bring me hope. I’ve realized throughout this year that the hope lives within me.

You took a lot from me this year. I went through my second round of Mavenclad chemo to combat my multiple sclerosis. It was even harder the second time around and I had to stop doing everything that I do to keep my body, mind and spirit healthy. I also caught Covid for the first time and during a dizzy spell I fell and broke my spine. This involved more rest, something that I’m not good with. I had to take six weeks off work and do nothing but let my body rest.

I really struggled with that. It was a battle for me not to write, paint, work or exercise. I began to realize that I had been trying to outrun my multiple sclerosis, to fill up the days, months and years with proof that I had lived instead of just living.

More rest was in store for me toward the end of this year when I caught Covid for a second time, had my first flare up with my multiple sclerosis and then caught the flu, which I’m still going through even as I write this. Again, there was rest and balance. Even though the flare up was not pleasant to live though and frightening the longer it went on, I had to be thankful that it took me ten years to have my first flare up.

And yet, you also gave me so much. I had my first and second art show which was something I’ve always wanted to do. Queen of Swords was published and that took me to the end of a ten-year journey. I had my short stories appear in two different anthologies, Mighty: An Anthology of Disabled Superheroes and There’s No Place: An Anthology of Stories by Those Who Have Experienced Homelessness. I even got a promotion at work which is something that I’m really proud of. I was even on television twice, once to promote Queen of Swords and another to read Tarot cards on live television.

I know that most people choose a word to represent a year when it’s about to begin I go about this in another way. I always think of a word that represents the year as it is ending. I think what you taught me most was balance.

It was something that I had to learn. What good was it to run myself ragged in order to prove to myself that I was living? What good was it trying to push past the pain when it only brought me more pain? I learned this the hard way when I tried to paint shortly after breaking my back and the painting took me a good three hours to finish. To say that I’m stubborn is putting it mildly.

Trying to learn balance was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. It involved listening to my body more than I ever had before. It also meant ignoring my mind, which tried to guilt me when I was choosing rest. Balance was learning to listen to my whole self, my body, mind and spirit and knowing when a good time would be to write or paint. I also fell in love with reading again and allowed myself to enjoy sitting still by losing myself in the words of other artists. Playing my Nintendo Switch was about balance, too. I could remain still but lose myself in the worlds that the games presented.

Ultimately, learning to balance my life led me to the most important thing:  learning to be kinder to myself. It’s something that I’m still working on, but the fact that I’ve started on this journey of self-kindness and self-compassion is another stone on the path towards finding out who I am and what I’m truly capable of.

So, while 2023 hasn’t been an easy year, it’s also been the year that has taught me the most about myself. For that, I am thankful.

Jamieson