Number-one bestselling author

I am constantly
on a journey to find myself,
carrying two others within
who have me in their grip.
I have had to relearn simple tasks like:
doing the dishes, making coffee, typing, walking, speaking, trying to stand up in a shower so that I can bathe myself, being able to dress myself.
I thought I was done fighting,
that I had taken back control.
The shadow underneath my skin reminds me every once in a while that it has control when it takes my body away from me.
I don’t have control, no matter what I may think. I have to fight past the mountain that call my body home.
The thing is,
shadows are afraid of light.
I merely have to shine so that I can reveal
what the shadows hold
so that I can climb the mountains that
are in my blood.
The card I choose first
out of any deck is
Strength.
As I study the scene
that usually contains a woman
taming a lion who is the symbol
of all that she fears,
I reflect upon everything
that I’ve had to do
in hopes that I could end up here,
the force that I’ve had to use,
calling it awake from its slumber.
The next card I pull is the
Ace of Wands.
This is my creative side,
the part of me that creates
when it is the only way
to understand the world,
and to use my voice to create,
letting my spirit find its way in a world
that it doesn’t understand.
The fire is warm around me and when I realize
that the flame comes from me,
they burn brigher.
I find my way through
the deck of cards that are like windows
into who I am and who I wish to be.
The Ace of Swords
finds its way into my hands
from the pile of cards and as I stare
at the Sword slicing through the darkness,
bringing with it the light that shines,
a soft breeze fills the room.
I know that this wind will give
the clarity that I seek,
breaking through all of the noise
and constant chatter inside my head.
In the quiet, my words can come to me,
the ink twin of the flame from within.
I know that even when I can’t see what is coming,
my cards will tell me where I’ve been
so that I can find a clear path forward
to who I’m going to be.
I’ve long struggled with my body and the way I see it.
Having always been a bigger man, I’ve always felt like I didn’t belong in a world that likes to feature muscle men or gentlemen that are thinner in stature. I’m guilty of looking, sure, but my first thought has always been, why don’t I look like that?
I have tried starving myself and tried weight loss diets. I tried not eating at all and I just ended up looking sickly. On the other side of that spectrum, I have been well over three hundred pounds, and I loathed my body. I never recognized myself when I looked in the mirror.
My journey with my body has been a long one. It was complicated by being in the gay community. In my youth, the men that I was attracted to tried to change me into their ideal man, someone who would look the way that they wanted. I let them instead of choosing to love myself. They wanted me to lose weight and made me feel ashamed of how I looked.
There was one man who told me several times, “You know, if you lost twenty-five pounds or more, you’d be perfect. I could even design a workout for you.” I struggled against this idea. I felt the fact that my boyfriend didn’t love me as I was something hard to deal with, but tried to change myself into someone that he would find attractive.
I’m not sure when I realized that he wasn’t the right man for me and let him go, but I think his perception of how I looked remained. I’m pretty sure its his voice that I hear inside my head when I look into a mirror and take in my body which should be a positive experience. Instead, the first thing I do is look at everything that I want to change.
Self-love should never be a challenge, but it too often is. I know that I’m not the only person who has struggled with this and nor will I be the last. I just have to continue on my path with love in mind so that every time I look in the mirror, I hear my voice instead of his.
When I saw the callout for the OH YEAH: A Bear Poetry Anthology, I knew that I wanted to write some poems for it. I thought of how I wanted to approach my relationship with myself and being considered (and considering myself) a bear. I wanted to take a look at it with all of its complications for me what with also being physically disabled and also living with a disease. How did having Multiple Sclerosis affect how I saw myself? I really wanted to take a deep look into how living with those elements of myself affected how I saw my body.
I wrote four poems for OH YEAH and all four of them were accepted.
Reading through the poems in the collection, it was astonishing to realize that I wasn’t the only one to have wrestled with their body image and feeling at home in their own body. I knew I wasn’t of course, but having it all in black and white in front of me was somehow comforting. Having my words included along with all these beautiful LGBTQ+ people is amazing and such an honour. Each poem is like a revelation of self.
You can get your own copy HERE.
If you get a copy, I hope you learn something about how you see yourself and how we see each other.
A couple of months ago, I was interviewed about my piece of art “Current” that I was lucky enough to have turned into an elevator wrap at the building where I work. I wanted to share the interview with all of you because it really speaks to what the piece was about and what I was trying to convey.
Enjoy!
Q. What was your inspiration when crafting this art piece?
The original idea was the salmon that swim upstream against the current. I loved the idea that the salmon trust their instincts and fight against the stream of water, their scales turning red the closer they get to their destination. They swim against the current, even though it’s doing everything it can to push them down.
When I had the idea for this painting, I wanted to show movement and flow. I wanted to paint something that would capture the 2 facets of my journey and my life. I was born with spastic cerebral palsy and, in 2014, I was diagnosed with relapsing-remitting multiple sclerosis. I am also a gay man, which came with its own set of challenges, growing up in a family that didn’t understand disability or homosexuality.
It’s always been an uphill battle, or against the stream of “normalcy,” for both my sexuality and my disability. As much as I try to fit within society, I stand out because of how much I shine. When I was a child, I tried to hide the fact I was gay and disabled from people, because most of them didn’t take the time to understand or care to.
I wanted to create a piece that showed that even though I tried to meld with the crowd, I stood out anyway; that even though life is an upstream and uphill battle for me on a daily basis, I sparkle brightly because of who I am.
Q. What medium did you use and how long did it take for you to craft?
I paint with acrylic paint, palette knife and brush. I didn’t want to use any other medium aside from the paint, as I wanted the painting to have movement and flow. Before I began, I applied black gesso (a painting surface primer) to the canvas with a paint roller, so the entire canvas was black. Adding colour to it made it look like the painting was coming to life, or like light was being shone onto it, so I could see what it wanted to be. All in all, it took me about 3 hours to do, between the sketching, adding the layer of gesso and painting with the palette knife. I’m so happy with how the painting turned out!
Q. What was your first reaction when you saw your artwork adorn the elevator doors at National Headquarters?
I was gobsmacked.
I actually had no idea what an elevator wrap was, and thought that it would just be a nice sign in the elevator. When I realized it was actually the elevator doors, I was overjoyed. I couldn’t believe it! My art on an elevator? It seemed both unreal and amazing at the same time.
I was sent photos and it looked incredible, but nothing could prepare me for seeing the elevator in person. I could see every drop of paint, every line of the palette knife and follow the path of colour along the elevator door. The colour in the painting just pops, even brighter than it did on the canvas.
I actually felt at peace when I first saw the painting adorning the elevator door. It’s just so unreal that something I created to celebrate my differences is now out there for everyone to see. I felt seen and accepted, which is what this art installation is all about. It helped me to displace and let go of my internalized shame and discomfort I’ve carried since I was a child. I used to feel such self-hate for being born the way I was, but seeing “Current” on the elevator door shifted the flow within me, so that I could finally let go, breathe and completely love who I am.
Q. How do you see your art cultivate inclusivity among employees? What would you hope people take away when they see your art piece?
It’s my hope that, when others look at “Current,” they stop and think of the people in their lives that shine so brightly from within.
It shouldn’t be a struggle to be disabled or 2SLGBTQI+. We shouldn’t be seen as different, less than or an outsider. There has to be inclusion, equality for everyone, regardless of who they are or what they live with. We’ve made a lot of headway, but we’re not there yet. There is so much beauty in the world and I know as a person who is both gay and disabled, sometimes it’s a struggle to see that beauty―but it shines through much like I do.
I hope my piece helps people think of the inherent struggles their disabled or 2SLGBTQI+ colleagues, friends and family members have had to go through. I hope when people look at my painting, they stop for a moment and appreciate the roadblocks 2SLGBTQI+ and disabled people have had to deal with because of who they are, and that they help take those roadblocks away, so the “water” can flow freely.
Ultimately, I hope when people look at my painting, they take a deep breath and find a new way to change the flow and narrative of their own story.