What the Shadows Hold – A Poem

I am constantly
on a journey to find myself,
carrying two others within
who have me in their grip.
I have had to relearn simple tasks like:
doing the dishes, making coffee, typing, walking, speaking, trying to stand up in a shower so that I can bathe myself, being able to dress myself.
I thought I was done fighting,
that I had taken back control.
The shadow underneath my skin reminds me every once in a while that it has control when it takes my body away from me.
I don’t have control, no matter what I may think. I have to fight past the mountain that call my body home.
The thing is,
shadows are afraid of light.
I merely have to shine so that I can reveal
what the shadows hold
so that I can climb the mountains that
are in my blood.

The Two Blackbirds of Inglewood Hamlet – A Fairy Tale

Once upon a time in the little village of Inglewood Hamlet, there lived a shapeshifter.

This was nothing out of the ordinary for the little village, nor even the entire Kingdom. It was rife with magic. Strange things have been known to happen to its villagers and, according to the old oracle woman that lives on the edge of town, magic always had something to do with it. She would be glad to tell you all about it; I think she’d even have a piece of pie and a hot cuppa tea ready for you in a jiffy.

There were some days he was a lamp to give light to the librarian who was having trouble seeing lately, or he’d be a cat for the girl that so desperately wanted a cat of her own. It was young Mr. and Mr. Gladius’ youngest. They lived in the centre of town and the two men ran the local bar and bedsit. They were very kind parents, but they were often very busy. He kept Anna company when he knew she was loneliest.

He would often go by the orphanage and help our where he could. He would change into a dog that would go around and see each child that lived there and let them pet him and he would sit with them for a bit until each of them had a smile on their face. He would turn into a quill so that the teacher who was always losing her own could continue teaching.

Long ago, he had tried to find the reason that he could change into either beast or inanimate object as being able to do both defied what he knew as possible. Then he decided that it didn’t matter and swore that he would lend his gift to those in need. No thought went toward his own needs as he got joy from giving to those around him.

That’s why the girl who could change herself into a blackbird had him so curious.

He had never met another shapeshifter before. He had met plenty of fey folk, others who were capable of all kinds of magics, but never another who could change the shape of their bodies. From what he could tell, she could only turn herself into a blackbird. He had been observing her for so long that one night he was surprised to find that he could not find her.

She was not in her usual haunts. He had checked the book and scroll shop and the birds in the park that liked to flock together in the rowan trees that filled the centre square of Inglewood Hamlet. He had even taken the form of a Raven, hoping that it would make it easier to find her.

So intent was he to find the blackbird girl that he didn’t even notice when she flew down beside him. “You know, if you’re going to follow someone around, you should be polite and tell them why.”

Jumping back, he had to flap his wings a few times until he could settle down again. “Sorry,” he said. “I’ll stop.”

“I didn’t say stop,” she said, letting out a caw. “How about we start with your name.”

He was taken aback. No one had asked him his name for so long, but they were keen to give him one if they needed to. He thought of all the different names he had been called as a stray cat or dog he even thought briefly of the favourite books he had become. “You know, I’ve always loved the name Milo.”

“Well, Milo, it’s a pleasure to meet another shifter. My name is Kimberlee.” She gave him a smile that came through in the sudden gleam in her eyes. “I take it you saw me stealing bread from Messer’s Don and Juan.”

He nodded. “I saw you swoop down and steal a loaf of bread as a bird from their bakery cart and slip into the form of a girl as you walked away.” Milo said.

“I figured; I could feel you watching. You were the candle flame in in the light box on the end of first street, weren’t you? It had been burning brighter than usual.”

“Mr. Lewis hadn’t ordered the right number of matches, and he wasn’t able to light me. I could feel him getting worried and then frantic, so I quickly changed into a flame.” Milo explained. “I didn’t want him to be upset, or people to lose their way without the flame to guide them.”

“Are you always so kind hearted?” Another smile came through in her eyes and she hopped closer to him.

He ruffled his feathers. “I try to be.”

“Good, there needs to be more kindness in the world. But don’t forget to be kind to yourself,” she said to him gently.”

“I’m not sure I know how. I have been helping others for as long as I can remember. I didn’t even know what my name was until you asked me.”

There was a startled from the other blackbird and then he watched as she began to change. To Milo, it looked like she was knitting herself together with pieces of the land and sky around her, painting her face with the clouds and the limbs of the trees around them.

He blinked and the girl was sitting in front of him. She held out her hand and he hopped into it. “What’s your real form?”

“I’ve forgotten,” Milo said. “I’ve been everything for everyone else for so long that I’ve forgotten where I begin and end.”

Kimberlee held him up to her eyes.  â€śTry and think back. Do you remember what you looked like before you ever changed? Did you parents ever take a photograph of you? My parents took so many of me when I was a child that I could paper the walls with pictures of myself.”

Nodding, Milo tried to think backwards. His mothers pride was her photos. She had called them memory keepers. He seemed to remember a small boy with brown hair and brown eyes, but there was a tinkle in the eyes that matched the smile.

“Do you have the image in your head?” Kimberlee asked him gently.

“Yes, I do.”

“Good, now see if you can choose yourself as you would choose to be one of the other objects that you have been.”

“I can’t,” he said.

“You can. Just choose yourself, it’s that easy.”

He let out a little caw and tried to hold on to the picture of himself that he had in his mind. He looked at the boy he had forgotten to be and wondered how long it had been since he had held his true form. For all he knew, he was older than the child that he could see within him, but how was he to know?

It wasn’t that his eyes were closed, necessarily, but one moment he was a raven and the next, he was that boy, dressed in clothes that looked like they had been made by leaves. His hair was falling into his eyes and when he raised his hand to brush his hair off his forehead did he realize that he was a boy again.

Kimberlee looked at him, that kindness he had seen in the crows eyes bright in her human ones. “Nice to meet you, Milo.”

“Thank you,” he said.

“It get’s easier each time you change shape to lose yourself. You tend to give away a piece of yourself when you first start changing shape.”

“Were you a crow for a long time the first time you shifted?” Milo asked.

“Yes, at fist because I didn’t know how to change back. Then, because I enjoyed it so much. However, I soon found myself within myself, and have been changing back and forth ever since. I’ve never met a shape shifter like you before, able to change into anything.”

“Can you only change into a blackbird?”

She nodded with a happy smile. “Just a crow shape for me, I’m afraid. But it’s all I ever wanted, really. I’ve gotten to see the world and experience so many things.”

“But don’t you miss home?” Milo asked.

Kimberlee’s eyes darkened for a moment, her face filled with a sadness he hadn’t noticed before. Then she blinked and when she looked at Milo, she was giving him another kind look. “Don’t you?” She asked.

Standing, Kimberlee tilted her head to the sky so that she could smell the wind. Milo did the same and knew that it was changing course. He could feel the wind as it moved along his skin, begging him to join it and fly to somewhere new. He looked at Kimberlee, understanding dawning within him.

“You’re going away.”

“It’s all I know,” she said. “You know well the life of an artist. Always onward to the next mountain, a new river, an unknown terrain.”

“How will I find you again?”

“Give me a feather,” she said.

He held out his right arm and he watched as a scattering of feathers appeared there. He chose one for her and presented it like a gift. She did the same and let a black crow’s feather fall from her fingers into his left palm.

“When we have need for each other, we will always be able to find other. We won’t be far apart that way. Us shifters have to stick together.”

“Thank you,” Milo said, tucking the feather in his coat pocket.

“Now, don’t you have a home to find?” She asked.

“I don’t know where it is,” Milo said. “I’ve looked everywhere for it but can’t find it.”

“Have you looked within yourself?” She asked gently. She began to change softly, letting the threads that she had knitted herself together with fall away gently. “If you look at the photo of yourself long enough, you will be able to find your way home.”

With a movement of the clouds and a scattering of stars, Kimberlee stood in front of him, her feathers bright with shadows that have swallowed the light. She let the wind take her and Milo stood watching Kimberlee fly away but he could feel the crows feather inside of his coat shining against his body.

He looked at the streets of Inglewood Hamlet. Closing his eyes, he looked at the photograph of himself that he carried. When he opened his eyes, he knew where to go. There was a line of gold mist that curved itself along the cobblestone streets leading the way to where he belonged.

Taking the shape of a raven once more, Milo followed the gold line towards home.

Or so the story goes….

My Tarot Path – A Poem

The card I choose first

out of any deck is

Strength.

As I study the scene

that usually contains a woman

taming a lion who is the symbol

of all that she fears,

I reflect upon everything

that I’ve had to do

in hopes that I could end up here,

the force that I’ve had to use,

calling it awake from its slumber.

The next card I pull is the

Ace of Wands.

This is my creative side,

the part of me that creates

when it is the only way

to understand the world,

and to use my voice to create,

letting my spirit find its way in a world

that it doesn’t understand.

The fire is warm around me  and when I realize

that the flame comes from me,

they burn brigher.

I find my way through

the deck of cards that are like windows

into who I am and who I wish to be.

The Ace of Swords

finds its way into my hands

from the pile of cards and as I stare

at the Sword slicing through the darkness,

bringing with it the light that shines,

a soft breeze fills the room.

I know that this wind will give

the clarity that I seek,

breaking through all of the noise

and constant chatter inside my head.

In the quiet, my words can come to me,

the ink twin of the flame from within.

I know that even when I can’t see what is coming,

my cards will tell me where I’ve been

so that I can find a clear path forward

to who I’m going to be.

OH YEAH – On Being a Bear

I’ve long struggled with my body and the way I see it.

Having always been a bigger man, I’ve always felt like I didn’t belong in a world that likes to feature muscle men or gentlemen that are thinner in stature. I’m guilty of looking, sure, but my first thought has always been, why don’t I look like that?

I have tried starving myself and tried weight loss diets. I tried not eating at all and I just ended up looking sickly. On the other side of that spectrum, I have been well over three hundred pounds, and I loathed my body. I never recognized myself when I looked in the mirror.

My journey with my body has been a long one. It was complicated by being in the gay community. In my youth, the men that I was attracted to tried to change me into their ideal man, someone who would look the way that they wanted. I let them instead of choosing to love myself. They wanted me to lose weight and made me feel ashamed of how I looked.

There was one man who told me several times, “You know, if you lost twenty-five pounds or more, you’d be perfect. I could even design a workout for you.” I struggled against this idea. I felt the fact that my boyfriend didn’t love me as I was something hard to deal with, but tried to change myself into someone that he would find attractive.

I’m not sure when I realized that he wasn’t the right man for me and let him go, but I think his perception of how I looked remained. I’m pretty sure its his voice that I hear inside my head when I look into a mirror and take in my body which should be a positive experience. Instead, the first thing I do is look at everything that I want to change.

Self-love should never be a challenge, but it too often is. I know that I’m not the only person who has struggled with this and nor will I be the last. I just have to continue on my path with love in mind so that every time I look in the mirror, I hear my voice instead of his.

When I saw the callout for the OH YEAH: A Bear Poetry Anthology, I knew that I wanted to write some poems for it. I thought of how I wanted to approach my relationship with myself and being considered (and considering myself) a bear. I wanted to take a look at it with all of its complications for me what with also being physically disabled and also living with a disease. How did having Multiple Sclerosis affect how I saw myself? I really wanted to take a deep look into how living with those elements of myself affected how I saw my body.

I wrote four poems for OH YEAH and all four of them were accepted.

Reading through the poems in the collection, it was astonishing to realize that I wasn’t the only one to have wrestled with their body image and feeling at home in their own body.  I knew I wasn’t of course, but having it all in black and white in front of me was somehow comforting. Having my words included along with all these beautiful LGBTQ+ people is amazing and such an honour. Each poem is like a revelation of self.

You can get your own copy HERE.

If you get a copy, I hope you learn something about how you see yourself and how we see each other.

Current – An Interview

A couple of months ago, I was interviewed about my piece of art “Current” that I was lucky enough to have turned into an elevator wrap at the building where I work. I wanted to share the interview with all of you because it really speaks to what the piece was about and what I was trying to convey.

Enjoy!

Q. What was your inspiration when crafting this art piece?

The original idea was the salmon that swim upstream against the current. I loved the idea that the salmon trust their instincts and fight against the stream of water, their scales turning red the closer they get to their destination. They swim against the current, even though it’s doing everything it can to push them down.

When I had the idea for this painting, I wanted to show movement and flow. I wanted to paint something that would capture the 2 facets of my journey and my life. I was born with spastic cerebral palsy and, in 2014, I was diagnosed with relapsing-remitting multiple sclerosis. I am also a gay man, which came with its own set of challenges, growing up in a family that didn’t understand disability or homosexuality.

It’s always been an uphill battle, or against the stream of “normalcy,” for both my sexuality and my disability. As much as I try to fit within society, I stand out because of how much I shine. When I was a child, I tried to hide the fact I was gay and disabled from people, because most of them didn’t take the time to understand or care to.

I wanted to create a piece that showed that even though I tried to meld with the crowd, I stood out anyway; that even though life is an upstream and uphill battle for me on a daily basis, I sparkle brightly because of who I am.

Q. What medium did you use and how long did it take for you to craft?

I paint with acrylic paint, palette knife and brush. I didn’t want to use any other medium aside from the paint, as I wanted the painting to have movement and flow. Before I began, I applied black gesso (a painting surface primer) to the canvas with a paint roller, so the entire canvas was black. Adding colour to it made it look like the painting was coming to life, or like light was being shone onto it, so I could see what it wanted to be. All in all, it took me about 3 hours to do, between the sketching, adding the layer of gesso and painting with the palette knife. I’m so happy with how the painting turned out!

Q. What was your first reaction when you saw your artwork adorn the elevator doors at National Headquarters?

I was gobsmacked.

I actually had no idea what an elevator wrap was, and thought that it would just be a nice sign in the elevator. When I realized it was actually the elevator doors, I was overjoyed. I couldn’t believe it! My art on an elevator? It seemed both unreal and amazing at the same time.

I was sent photos and it looked incredible, but nothing could prepare me for seeing the elevator in person. I could see every drop of paint, every line of the palette knife and follow the path of colour along the elevator door. The colour in the painting just pops, even brighter than it did on the canvas.

I actually felt at peace when I first saw the painting adorning the elevator door. It’s just so unreal that something I created to celebrate my differences is now out there for everyone to see. I felt seen and accepted, which is what this art installation is all about. It helped me to displace and let go of my internalized shame and discomfort I’ve carried since I was a child. I used to feel such self-hate for being born the way I was, but seeing “Current” on the elevator door shifted the flow within me, so that I could finally let go, breathe and completely love who I am.

Q. How do you see your art cultivate inclusivity among employees? What would you hope people take away when they see your art piece?

It’s my hope that, when others look at “Current,” they stop and think of the people in their lives that shine so brightly from within.

It shouldn’t be a struggle to be disabled or 2SLGBTQI+. We shouldn’t be seen as different, less than or an outsider. There has to be inclusion, equality for everyone, regardless of who they are or what they live with. We’ve made a lot of headway, but we’re not there yet. There is so much beauty in the world and I know as a person who is both gay and disabled, sometimes it’s a struggle to see that beauty―but it shines through much like I do.

I hope my piece helps people think of the inherent struggles their disabled or 2SLGBTQI+ colleagues, friends and family members have had to go through. I hope when people look at my painting, they stop for a moment and appreciate the roadblocks 2SLGBTQI+ and disabled people have had to deal with because of who they are, and that they help take those roadblocks away, so the “water” can flow freely.

Ultimately, I hope when people look at my painting, they take a deep breath and find a new way to change the flow and narrative of their own story.