I don’t talk a lot about my art except for when I’m having an art show. I don’t know why this is as I enjoy telling people about the piece when they first see it and ask what inspired it. I love talking about my art and really like seeing people connect to individual pieces. Everyone sees something different than what I intended, or they see something in it that I missed and it’s always a wonder hearing what the person sees. To that end, I’ve decided to talk about my art more.

Like a lot of people, I’ve been having to deal with a lot. I’m neurodivergent and AUDHD. I have the regular stresses that everyone has like a family member who is ill, a friend going through a crisis, work and life stresses and everything in between that go along with being a human being. I also live with Cerebral Palsy, Multiple Sclerosis and depression, so having a lot to deal with is multiplied to A LOT. I’ve been losing sight of myself, and the depression has been hitting me really hard lately.

Rather than up my antidepressants again, I’ve been trying to find myself in my art and my writing. I painted on Wednesday night. The plan in my head was a bright green background with sort of an abstract self-portrait in lines and colours. I wanted to remind myself that the light came from within myself as well as around me. The black at the bottom of the canvas was supposed to show that I had risen above the darkness.

Then I went to put some bronze paint coming from inside the shape of my head and it just mucked the whole thing up. I tried making the whole face bronze, but the minimalist look I was going for was gone. I liked it but didn’t love it and I had squeezed out a lot of paint; it would have been a shame to waste all of it. I walked away from the green painting and made myself dinner to give myself time to think.

The whole point of the painting had been to lift my spirits. I had broken down crying in the kitchen the night before. I had been kneeling on the floor looking for a can of soup and I just sat there and cried. There was no particular reason for the tears, I was just full. The tears came unbidden, but I let them fall. As I kneeled there on the floor, I thought of what I could do. I had to let it all the emotions out before the emotions drowned me.

So, I painted it over. I used a paint roller to see what I would end up with and then made my background. I figured that since I already knew that light came from within me, I could paint something else, something that would make me look up, above the line of the water that is/was getting higher and higher. I was surprised that the painting had been so green before, but now it was a muddled dark red. I really liked how the hue changed with the green and metallic paint underneath.

I painted the flowers randomly, just feeling it and playing with the balance of colour and tone. I was listening to the album Hazel Eyes by Sam Smith while I was painting and let myself fill up with love for myself as I worked. If you haven’t listened to the album, please do so. It’s a wonderful love letter to love and self-love, grief and longing. I painted and lost myself a little in the act of painting. When I was done, I was happier and lighter than I had been before.

Afterwards, I looked at the painting and realized that I’d painted something to lose myself in if the world around me became too much. I decided to call the painting Above It All in hopes that it will help me look outward instead of within.

(I should note that it is available for sale as are all my paintings. Shameless plug over.)