Jamieson Wolf
Number-one bestselling author
Ten Years to Love – A Poem
If you had told me
that in ten years,
I’d be a completely
different person,
I would have laughed.
At the time I was diagnosed,
it felt like my world
was flooded with
so many different emotions.
I was alone on a raft,
floating out to nowhere.
I had no clear idea
of where I would end up
or how I would get there.
I had to learn about
who I was all over again,
and what I was capable of.
It took me a long time
to turn away from hatred,
my own and the hatred of others.
I didn’t know at the time
that I was capable of loving myself
and what my disease had made me.
Once I let go of the fear,
a whole new world opened up for me.
I was still afraid,
but I wasn’t holding onto fear
like a life preserver.
Fear would not save me,
but an open heart would.
I made a long ago promise to myself,
standing in a dark basement
of an apartment filled with trees
that belonged to a forest I was desperate
to leave behind.
I told myself that I would love
everything about myself
that I deserved love,
even when I was afraid.
That choice led me down
a totally different path,
one that I would not have found
without the choice I made to love.
That choice led me to you
and the love that has bloomed
so beautifully between us.
You don’t complete me.
Instead, you compliment me.
You see me as I really am,
and you know me,
deeper than I know myself.
When I look into your eyes,
I see another kind of sea,
but not the one that I was lost upon
oh so long ago.
Instead, it’s a sea of the emotions
that I feel for you
and that have led us to a new path,
one that we have forged together,
every stone representing memory we share.
Looking at the path before me,
at the stones that have yet to be filled
with memories, I am not afraid
of what waits for us.
We will face whatever comes together,
knowing that ten years to love
have opened another doorway
towards our future.
The Weight of You – A Poem
I bought you a t-shirt.
When I saw it,
I thought of you,
but I will not be the one
to give it to you.
You have not spoken to me
in twenty-seven years,
over half my life.
I don’t know why I thought of you,
only that you bloomed in my mind
and I pressed buy now
before I could think about
the reasons behind the action.
When she asked me if I
wanted you to know,
I told her yes, then no.
I knew that if you knew
that I was the one
to buy you the shirt,
you would not wear it,
just like you have not spoken to me
in so long.
The thing that has been most
on my mind is that you
have become someone
that I don’t even know.
You are not my brother anymore,
not my twin or the
other half of me in the mirror.
Before we could speak words,
we spoke our own language
and for a years,
we shared a link that I thought
would never be severed.
Yet, as we grew older,
we spent all of our time
trying to be individuals,
tired of being endlessly compared
to each other, never separate.
Well, now you have become
a stranger to me and I’ve realized
that we finally have what we wanted
so long ago.
Though my heart grieves
for what it has lost in you,
I no longer want to carry this
weight, or the memory of you, within me.
As I kneel at the rivers edge,
I put my hands in the water,
letting the weight of
you swim free.
Brushstrokes! – For Memories Art show
It’s almost time!
My second art show is this weekend. It will take place on the 15th and 16th of July and run from 10am to 4pm on both Saturday and Sunday at 36 Chantilly Gate in Stittsville.
The art show is in support of the Alzheimer Society of Ottawa and Renfrew County.
My art will be shown along with the art of three other talented artists who I am very happy and proud to share space with. Each of us puts our own spin on our art and seeing all the works in one location is quite something.
I tend to be more comfortable in abstract and partial abstract and I paint with a pallet knife or a brush, sometimes both on the same canvas. Below you will find a slideshow of my art that will be for sale.
If you’re in Ottawa this weekend, come say hello! The weather will hopefully be sunny, but even if it’s rainy, there will be beauty to be found.
See you there!
To All The Men I Have Known – A Prose Poem
Dear ___________,
I’ve thought about what I wanted to say to you for a long time.
The words have been gathering in my head, taking up too much room.
It’s time for me to let them go. Just like you, I don’t need them anymore.
When you called me cripple, at first, I believed you. I thought myself weak,
undeserving of love because I was somehow imperfect. Over time, I realized
that you called me crippled because I was stronger than you were.
When you used to beat me, punching me and calling me stupid, yelling that
I brought this on myself, I believed you. I thought that if only I could be better,
you would love me. Over time, I realized that I wasn’t at fault, you were. It was
all on you. You were the problem.
When you used to steal from me and cheat on me behind my back, making up
drama that didn’t exist so that you could angry and manipulate me into giving you
what you wanted, I let it happen because I thought you loved me. When I chose myself
and put me first, I realized that never loved me at all.
When you used to control me and chip away at every friendship and relationship that I had
until I was alone with no one but you, I let it happen because I thought that this was
what marriage was like. It was only when I realized that even you didn’t want me
and I was just a thing to you, a disposable person, that I was able to break free.
When you used to call me broken, I believed you at first. I was at the end of a cycle,
but I didn’t know it. You used words to hurt me, words that had always been my friends.
I think that was what hurt most of all, and even now, I let your words hurt me. You never
raised a hand to me, but you didn’t have to. It was only when I realized that
I wasn’t broken, that I had mended myself but the light still shone outward, that I was able
to leave you and take my life back.
To all of you who I have known, I let you go. I no longer want you to have any power
over me. I embrace my body, mind and spirit and hold myself close. I will no longer
hear your voices when I look in the mirror. I will no longer see the way that you used
to look at me.
I will no longer give my power to you.
I take it all back, every last ounce of it so that I can shine all the brighter.
I hope you’re well (no I don’t).
Sincerely,
___________________
I’m Not Sorry – A Poem
“I’m so sorry,”
These are the words
I always hear.
“Poor you,”
Each time I hear these words,
it’s like I’m having to fight
all over again.
“You must hate your life.”
I didn’t always have a positive outlook,
wasn’t always filled with sparkles and rainbows.
“Why does it always happen to the good people?”
That came with time,
years that have felt like seconds.
and minutes that have felt like years.
“At least you get to collect disability.”
People tell me that,
if they were in my position,
they would rage against the unfairness of it all.
“You’re so lucky to find someone to love you as you are.”
The fact is,
I spent a few months lost within rage and sorrow
until I didn’t know who I was anymore.
“So, are you like, retarded?”
I made a choice for myself,
and I make that choice again every single day.
“But you’re on drugs, right? So, you’re cured?”
When I hear those words,
I want to scream at the person who said them,
tell them that I was sorry, but I’m not now.
“You must be angry knowing that your life is over.”
Every time, I take a deep breath
and remind myself of how far
I’ve come.
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Jamieson Wolf has written a compelling story about navigating multiple sclerosis and cerebral palsy. His story will touch your heart, make you cry, then laugh, and inspire you. A touching memoir with a bit of magic…and tarot! ~ Theresa Reed, author of The Tarot Coloring Book
Jamieson Wolf 