The Joy of Release – A Poem

I sit outside,

the air cold

upon my face.

Sun is shining

down through leaves

coloured red, orange,

gold and yellow.

When the sun

shines through them,

it changes the

colour of my

skin. Though there

is joy all

around me, I

am torrent of

emotions inside. I

have been close

to tears all

day; I push

at the torrent

of emotion, trying

to keep them

at bay, to

keep them back,

to keep them

down. Still, they

rebel against the

barriers that I

have put up.

The torrent still

finds a way

to slip through,

one emotion at

a time. They

slip past the

barricade like shards

of broken glass.

Sitting there, my

skin shaded with

hues of red,

orange and gold,

I let the

tears come, no

longer able to

hold them back.

They fall into

my lap, shining

brightly. I clutch

one of them

between two fingers

and hold it

to the sun.

I am almost

by the brilliance

of the stone.

I start to

slide the stone

back into my

skin when someone

plucks it from

my fingers and

flicks it away.

“What the fuck do you want to do that for?”

She asks me,

sitting down next

to me on

on the bench.

The woman has

dark hair that

falls past her

shoulders in ringlets.

It moves as

if dancing with

a soft breeze.

She wore an

amethyst that hung

from a silver

chain around her

neck. It seemed

to pulse with light.

 “I don’t know.”

I tell her,

shaking my head.

“I’ve been so lost lately.”  

She holds up

a clear crystal

shard and gives

me a sharp look.

“See this? Do you know what this is?”

I shake my head.

“This is your sadness trying to break free.”

She throws it

to the ground

where it cuts

into the pavement.

“See that? That’s what it’s doing to you. It’s cutting into you. You have to cut that shit out.”

I shake my

head, trying to

find the words

to tell her

how I feel.

“It’s not that easy. I live with pain and fatigue all the time. Sometimes, I can’t see past it. It defines who I am.”

I try to

hide my shame

and look away.

She gently turns

my head so

that I am

looking at her.

Her smile is

like light itself.

“It doesn’t define you. Your courage defines you. Your creativity define you. You are not your disease or your disability.”

I know this,

it is a

truth that I

have told others,

but sometimes have

trouble believing myself.

I try again

to make my

point heard:

“There are times where my symptoms keep me from doing what I want to do.”

I correct myself.

“What I used to do.”

She looks at

me and, though

her gaze is

stern, there is

kindness within her

eyes. She touches

my hand gently.

“You are not who you used to be.”

She says softly.

“You are so much more than you used to be. Your live beyond the boundaries of your body.”

She let that

sink in for

a moment and

then when it

appeared that I

had grasped her

meaning, she spoke:

“I want you to do something for me. I want you to turn your sadness into something else.”

I looked down

at the crystal

shards that covered

my lap like

pieces of broken glass.

“What do you want me to do?”

I ask her.

“I want you to let that sadness go. Make it into something else. Turn it into rain so that it can wash away any sadness that may still be within you. Could you do that?”

I nod and

stand, gathering the

shards in my

hands. As soon

as she gave

me the suggestion,

I knew what

I had to do.

Taking a deep

breath, I threw

the shards up

into the sky

as far as

I could. I

expected them to

fall back down

and waited for

their sting upon

my skin. Instead,

I heard a

distant rumble of

thunder and then

felt the first

drop of water

touch my face.

It was followed

by another and

then more, all

coming at once.

With each raindrop,

I felt a

little bit more

myself and a

little less filled

with sadness and

despair. I turned

to exclaim in

joy, but the

woman was not

there. Instead, all

that remained was

the amethyst that

she had been

wearing, its silver

chain curled around

1. The amethyst

and its chain

shone as if

filled with light.

I slipped the

chain over my

neck, letting the

stone rest against

my chest. Looking

at the rain

I had made,

I didn’t feel

sadness. Instead, I

felt only the

joy of release.