Dear 2024

Dear 2024,

If I had to pick a word to summarize you, that word would be balance.

You were full of so many wonders, weren’t you? I did my last round of chemo this year which took a lot out of me but helped me to learn a lot about myself. I needed to learn balance and you taught me that balance can be achieved not if I stop completely, but if I slow down and choose wisely what I want to do with the energy I have.

I had to learn that I was precious. I don’t need to do anything if I don’t want to. I also don’t need to everything, everywhere all at once. You offered me advice and showed me that I am still capable of magic. It doesn’t matter if I do less, everything I produce creatively is still a part of me. If I produce less, that just increases the magic these pieces contain.

You also showed me that I can’t keep giving myself away. There were three different endings I had to see myself though, three different relationships that had come to an ending. Change is difficult for me. I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I’m a Leo on the cusp of Virgo. I’m willing to embrace change, but I must know everything about that change before I jump in.

I know that the relationships that we have with others sometimes last a lifetime. Other times, the relationship is only for a short time, and I must be okay with that. I have difficulty with endings. Beginnings are no problems; I can throw myself in and embrace all that it has to offer. Endings are more difficult.

I said goodbye to a friend I’ve known for over a decade; another I’ve known for over a year and a third professional relationship that I’ve known for a handful of years. It doesn’t matter the amount of time you’ve known someone; endings are always hard. I kept holding on to reach of these tendrils, hoping that the threads of the relationships would lead me back to where we began in some way, that something could be salvaged from them. In the end, I’m left with the happier memories. I will hold on to those and remember the happiness as opposed to holding on to the negativity.

However, new relationships were built and I’m looking forward to establishing a relationship with a new publisher in 2025. I have that to look forward to and that’s something to celebrate.

I also had to find balance within my body. I’ve taken all kinds of new medication this year and it’s taken a toll on my body. I watched it shift and change in front of my eyes as I looked at myself in the mirror. It was no longer a question of what I would change about myself to become beautiful. I had to confront what was beautiful, and most importantly, my ideals of what beauty was. I had to learn to fall in love with myself again instead of wishing to change myself. I had to learn that I was worth of self love and that, by finding balance, I also found the quiet stillness which let me confront the voices that were telling me to hate myself and to figure out who those voices belonged to.

After a long break from therapy, I started seeing a psychologist. They have been a great help trying to work through traumas from the past and things I’ve been holding on to that I no longer need anymore. I realized that the break from therapeutic help was needed so that I could appreciate it more when I chose to enter into it again. It’s a hard thing to look at yourself and try and change old habits. I’m learning more about myself and that’s the main thing.

It was a year of discovery. You asked me to confront my fears a lot over the space of a year. You helped me to build core memories that would get me through the more difficult times and to explore the world at the same time as I explored within myself to see what I was truly capable of. There were so many joys this year: my first art show, the fall colours cruise, many celebrations that would light up the year.

And yet, everything comes back to that word balance, doesn’t it? I would normally spend a portion of this letter to you detailing the number of books and stories I had published. I didn’t have anything published this year. Normally, this would have sent me into a panic about not being productive enough. Before 2024, my creative output was always SO MUCH. I was always trying to outrun the disabilities that I live with and prove I was more than a condition.

Truth is, after a year of learning to enjoy the small moment and the simple joys, I know that even though I live with cerebral palsy and multiple sclerosis, I’ve always been more than my disabilities. They are pieces of the tapestry that make up who I am, and I hold the many facets of myself within my grasp. I just have to look within each facet as if I am looking into a kaleidoscope. Though nothing makes sense, there is an underlying element of beauty in everything if you look at a situation in the right light.

As I approach 2025 and whatever the new year may bring, I know that I don’t stand at a precipice, waiting to jump off. I stand at the edge of a cliff, spreading my wings so that I can finally learn to fly.

Thanks for a heck of a year.  Here’s to 2025!

Jamieson