Dear 19-Year-Old Me – A Poem

Content Warning – This poem has details of sexual assault

It wasn’t your fault.

All you were looking for was love,

the chance to spread your wings

so that you could learn how to fly.

You wanted some kind of acceptance,

for someone to really see who you were.

What you received wasn’t love.

You weren’t given a choice

or given the option of saying no.

It wasn’t your fault.

That night you weren’t in control,

the booze he had plied you with

took away the inhibition.

When the blackness came

and you felt his hands grip your arms

to help you up off the floor,

you thought he was your saviour.

You went willingly with him,

expecting him to provide you with succor.

What you were given instead

was the coldness of a stairwell,

the heat of your tears nothing

that passed for love

as he took your innocence from you,

the chalice within you broken.

It wasn’t your fault.

You have continued to judge yourself

as unworthy, unlovable, ugly, ungainly,

deserving of every horrible thing

that has happened to you

because of that moment.

None of it was your fault.

I can’t go back in time to stop that moment

or erase it from your memory.

What I can do is hold you close inside of me

so that you feel the love and warmth

you should have received

all those years ago.