Number-one bestselling author
I checked the mail
when I got home.
I opened the mail box
and was nearly blinded
by the light coming
from within. I shielded
my eyes and reached inside.
There was one envelope.
Looking at it, I tried to
blink past the light
to see who it was from.
When I saw the return address,
I knew it could be
only one thing. I went
upstairs, holding the envelope
so gently. While I rode
up in the elevator,
I listened to a soft
music coming from the envelope,
the light pulsing in rhythm.
I waited until I was
inside the apartment,
until I was with him,
to open it. When I opened
the envelope, more light
spilled out and I marvelled
at the fact that a simple
piece of paper could shine so brightly.
“Well, go on.”
He said.
“See what it is.”
I slid the paper out
and saw it for what it was.
The chains that had been
around my writs and ankles
for so long, jingling like
Marley’s ghost, fell away.
The light spilled into me
and I almost turned away from it.
It felt wrong, somehow,
that I should be feeling such joy
at what is normally a
sad occurrence. I ran a finger
over the surface of the paper
and I could swear that I could
hear it sigh in contentment.
I mentioned my thoughts
to him and he put the paper aside
and took my hands in his.
“Look at everything you’ve been through. You would be a different person if you hadn’t been through it.”
I thought of his words and
they struck a chord in me;
it rang out loud to sound out
with the small song coming
from the paper. I thought
of what he said. Had I
not known heartache,
I would not have looked
for something more.
Had I now known despair,
I would not have looked
for true happiness.
Had I not known solitude
when I was supposed
to be overjoyed,
I would have never
learned to be comfortable
with myself; I would
never have looked within
myself to see what I truly
wanted and what I was worth.
Had the one I had been with
loved me completely,
I would never have been found
by the one that loves me now,
each day with him a gift.
So I looked down at the paper
that to some symbolized
pain, rejection and failure
and realized that the one
that I had been with had
given me another gift of sorts.
Through his actions, he had
forced me to forge out
on my own and to see what
I was truly capable of.
What I was truly worth.
I put my hand to the page
and said the only thing I could.
“Thank you.”
At that, the light from the page
increased until it was near blinding
once more and the song coming
from the paper and from inside
of me rose to a higher pitch,
so that the home I now shared
with him, the man that
holds my heart as I hold his,
was filled with my heart song,
bright and pure and true.
There is a twin inside of me,
one that rarely sees the light
of day, or feels the light inside
of me. He doesn’t stop to ask,
to comprehend, to contemplate.
All he knows is emotion, pure
and unadulterated. However,
whereas I try to live my life
holding light, within the light,
he knows only darkness.
As he is my twin, the yin to
the yang to my light self,
his emotions are mine.
When he takes over,
I can see myself through his eyes.
I can contemplate his actions,
try and stop him, try to hold him
back from doing something he
will regret. But there must be
darkness to appreciate the light
just as there must be light
to appreciate the darkness.
I’ve struggled with him,
with who he is and have
a terrible time convincing myself
that he is myself at my most
dark moments. After the whirlwind
of his emotions, I spend a day or two
taking myself to task for giving in,
for entertaining such thoughts and actions.
I get mad at myself for letting him take over
and then I get angry with myself for being angry.
It is an almost unending cycle
of self abuse and self loathing. However,
there is light at the end of the tunnel.
It shines bright amongst the shadows
that linger within me. Within that light
is my salvation, my relief, my breath.
I often see myself walking down
a tunnel, one hand holding shadows
and one hand holding light.
He’s walking beside me.
Eventually, he sees how tired I am,
how weary, and he reaches out to take
the shadow. But there’s light at the edges,
twinkling like stars. Just as there is
darkness within my light, adding depth
to the brightness that shines forth.
I walk to the exit of the tunnel,
the light glorious on my skin.
As I walk into the light, I look back
only once. He is standing there,
watching me go and I wonder,
fleetingly, when I will see him again.
* For Rachael, with thanks and gratitude.
When the siren sounded,
we ran to the cliffs.
I would have to
scale the rock face
to find safety.
I didn’t think I
would be able to find
my way to safety.
Looking downward, it seemed
to be an infinity of space
between where I was
and where I would be safe.
“Want some help?”
I turned and saw a
mystic woman. She was
dressed in a flowing garment
of silver and black;
it flowed around her in the breeze
that flowed so strongly
on the top of the mountain.
“I don’t know if I can do it.”
I said to her. I was so afraid,
terrified, really, when each step
could mean disaster.
She smiled at me,
and she spoke kind words
that lit a fire inside of me:
“You can do whatever you set your mind to. Come on, I’ll help you.”
Slowly, so very slowly,
I made my way down the mountain
with her assistance. She watched
my every step to be sure that
it was true and stable.
She helped me to find
the footholds in the rock face,
the depressions in the rock
that I could hold on to.
She kept checking on my
to make sure that I was
all right and kept up a
constant chatter to take my
mind off of the task
we currently found ourselves in.
I just told myself to take it
one step at a time,
and tried not to think about
tumbling down the mountain,
landing in the water.
I focused on taking
one small step after another,
and part way down, I knew
that I could to this.
We passed through a veil
of mist as we finished our journey,
and it blinded me temporarily.
When we got to the bottom,
I looked back at
how far we had come,
how high we had been.
I saw flights of stairs
rising up sixteen flights.
People were still climbing
downward, milling around us.
What had seemed like a mountain
at first was now revealed
to be merely one more
obstacle that I’ve conquered.
One more mountain that
I’ve climbed down from.
I looked at the mystic
that had climbed downward
with me and could only
give her my thanks.
I was inside of
a house. There was
no way to know
how many floors there
were; from the outside
it seemed to stretch
right into the clouds.
From the inside, it
seemed just as big,
just as tower like.
I stood at the bottom
of the staircase and
you were beside me.
“It’s okay, you can do this.”
I looked at the
stairs with some trepidation.
“I don’t know that I can. You know I can’t do stairs very well.”
You smiled at me
and took my hand,
just for a moment.
“It’s okay, I’ll be right behind you.”
I nodded, knowing that
there was no other
choice. I started up the
steps, holding onto the
railing. I wondered at
what the woman outside
the house had said.
“If you enter and are brave enough, you will discover a gateway at the top.”
I looked at her, with
skin that seemed translucent,
as if the light would
pass right through her
if it caught her in
a certain way. I
moved closer to her.
“A gateway to what?”
She shrugged, a small
smile on her lips.
“You’ll have to find out yourself.”
And now we were
here, inside the house,
going up the steps
to an unknown miracle.
“What kind of gateway to you think it is?”
I asked you. I
heard your voice speaking
behind me and the
sound of it helped
calm me. When you
spoke, it was as if
you spoke to the
centre of my being.
“Who know? There’s only one way to find out.”
We continued to go
higher. Every time, I
stumbled, you caught me.
Every time I tripped
on a stair, you steadied me.
Every time I didn’t
think I would make it,
you kept me going.
Every time I felt
like giving up,
you encouraged me and
told me that I
could do anything.
We neared the top of
the staircase and I
could feel the wind
on my face. I turned
and looked at you.
“How high have we come?”
You took my hand and
helped me up onto
the very last step.
“Let’s take a look, shall we?”
There was only light
when we stepped forward
and out onto a balcony.
It looked over everything
and I saw that we
had just done what I
thought was impossible.
The house was built into the
face of a mountain and we
had just scaled its heights.
We stood there, looking
out at the land below us.
You put your arm around me
and we took in the
brightness and warmth of
the sun. Something had
changed within me. We
had done what I thought
to be impossible. We
accomplished it by looking
at it in a different way.
“You can do anything you set your mind to.”
You said to me.
I could only turn
to you and put
my lips to yours,
hoping that the kiss
would speak what my
words had thus far
failed to express.
As I kissed you,
I thought of the woman’s
words again:
“If you enter and are brave enough, you will discover a gateway at the top.”
I could feel my heart
opening further, filling me
with light. What locks
there were inside me
fell away at your
touch, opening the gate
wide so that only
light could shine through.
When your own gate
opened, the two hearts
beating as one, shone
brighter than the sun.