Number-one bestselling author
The card I choose first
out of any deck is
Strength.
As I study the scene
that usually contains a woman
taming a lion who is the symbol
of all that she fears,
I reflect upon everything
that I’ve had to do
in hopes that I could end up here,
the force that I’ve had to use,
calling it awake from its slumber.
The next card I pull is the
Ace of Wands.
This is my creative side,
the part of me that creates
when it is the only way
to understand the world,
and to use my voice to create,
letting my spirit find its way in a world
that it doesn’t understand.
The fire is warm around me and when I realize
that the flame comes from me,
they burn brigher.
I find my way through
the deck of cards that are like windows
into who I am and who I wish to be.
The Ace of Swords
finds its way into my hands
from the pile of cards and as I stare
at the Sword slicing through the darkness,
bringing with it the light that shines,
a soft breeze fills the room.
I know that this wind will give
the clarity that I seek,
breaking through all of the noise
and constant chatter inside my head.
In the quiet, my words can come to me,
the ink twin of the flame from within.
I know that even when I can’t see what is coming,
my cards will tell me where I’ve been
so that I can find a clear path forward
to who I’m going to be.
I’ve long struggled with my body and the way I see it.
Having always been a bigger man, I’ve always felt like I didn’t belong in a world that likes to feature muscle men or gentlemen that are thinner in stature. I’m guilty of looking, sure, but my first thought has always been, why don’t I look like that?
I have tried starving myself and tried weight loss diets. I tried not eating at all and I just ended up looking sickly. On the other side of that spectrum, I have been well over three hundred pounds, and I loathed my body. I never recognized myself when I looked in the mirror.
My journey with my body has been a long one. It was complicated by being in the gay community. In my youth, the men that I was attracted to tried to change me into their ideal man, someone who would look the way that they wanted. I let them instead of choosing to love myself. They wanted me to lose weight and made me feel ashamed of how I looked.
There was one man who told me several times, “You know, if you lost twenty-five pounds or more, you’d be perfect. I could even design a workout for you.” I struggled against this idea. I felt the fact that my boyfriend didn’t love me as I was something hard to deal with, but tried to change myself into someone that he would find attractive.
I’m not sure when I realized that he wasn’t the right man for me and let him go, but I think his perception of how I looked remained. I’m pretty sure its his voice that I hear inside my head when I look into a mirror and take in my body which should be a positive experience. Instead, the first thing I do is look at everything that I want to change.
Self-love should never be a challenge, but it too often is. I know that I’m not the only person who has struggled with this and nor will I be the last. I just have to continue on my path with love in mind so that every time I look in the mirror, I hear my voice instead of his.
When I saw the callout for the OH YEAH: A Bear Poetry Anthology, I knew that I wanted to write some poems for it. I thought of how I wanted to approach my relationship with myself and being considered (and considering myself) a bear. I wanted to take a look at it with all of its complications for me what with also being physically disabled and also living with a disease. How did having Multiple Sclerosis affect how I saw myself? I really wanted to take a deep look into how living with those elements of myself affected how I saw my body.
I wrote four poems for OH YEAH and all four of them were accepted.
Reading through the poems in the collection, it was astonishing to realize that I wasn’t the only one to have wrestled with their body image and feeling at home in their own body. I knew I wasn’t of course, but having it all in black and white in front of me was somehow comforting. Having my words included along with all these beautiful LGBTQ+ people is amazing and such an honour. Each poem is like a revelation of self.
You can get your own copy HERE.
If you get a copy, I hope you learn something about how you see yourself and how we see each other.
A couple of months ago, I was interviewed about my piece of art “Current” that I was lucky enough to have turned into an elevator wrap at the building where I work. I wanted to share the interview with all of you because it really speaks to what the piece was about and what I was trying to convey.
Enjoy!
Q. What was your inspiration when crafting this art piece?
The original idea was the salmon that swim upstream against the current. I loved the idea that the salmon trust their instincts and fight against the stream of water, their scales turning red the closer they get to their destination. They swim against the current, even though it’s doing everything it can to push them down.
When I had the idea for this painting, I wanted to show movement and flow. I wanted to paint something that would capture the 2 facets of my journey and my life. I was born with spastic cerebral palsy and, in 2014, I was diagnosed with relapsing-remitting multiple sclerosis. I am also a gay man, which came with its own set of challenges, growing up in a family that didn’t understand disability or homosexuality.
It’s always been an uphill battle, or against the stream of “normalcy,” for both my sexuality and my disability. As much as I try to fit within society, I stand out because of how much I shine. When I was a child, I tried to hide the fact I was gay and disabled from people, because most of them didn’t take the time to understand or care to.
I wanted to create a piece that showed that even though I tried to meld with the crowd, I stood out anyway; that even though life is an upstream and uphill battle for me on a daily basis, I sparkle brightly because of who I am.
Q. What medium did you use and how long did it take for you to craft?
I paint with acrylic paint, palette knife and brush. I didn’t want to use any other medium aside from the paint, as I wanted the painting to have movement and flow. Before I began, I applied black gesso (a painting surface primer) to the canvas with a paint roller, so the entire canvas was black. Adding colour to it made it look like the painting was coming to life, or like light was being shone onto it, so I could see what it wanted to be. All in all, it took me about 3 hours to do, between the sketching, adding the layer of gesso and painting with the palette knife. I’m so happy with how the painting turned out!
Q. What was your first reaction when you saw your artwork adorn the elevator doors at National Headquarters?
I was gobsmacked.
I actually had no idea what an elevator wrap was, and thought that it would just be a nice sign in the elevator. When I realized it was actually the elevator doors, I was overjoyed. I couldn’t believe it! My art on an elevator? It seemed both unreal and amazing at the same time.
I was sent photos and it looked incredible, but nothing could prepare me for seeing the elevator in person. I could see every drop of paint, every line of the palette knife and follow the path of colour along the elevator door. The colour in the painting just pops, even brighter than it did on the canvas.
I actually felt at peace when I first saw the painting adorning the elevator door. It’s just so unreal that something I created to celebrate my differences is now out there for everyone to see. I felt seen and accepted, which is what this art installation is all about. It helped me to displace and let go of my internalized shame and discomfort I’ve carried since I was a child. I used to feel such self-hate for being born the way I was, but seeing “Current” on the elevator door shifted the flow within me, so that I could finally let go, breathe and completely love who I am.
Q. How do you see your art cultivate inclusivity among employees? What would you hope people take away when they see your art piece?
It’s my hope that, when others look at “Current,” they stop and think of the people in their lives that shine so brightly from within.
It shouldn’t be a struggle to be disabled or 2SLGBTQI+. We shouldn’t be seen as different, less than or an outsider. There has to be inclusion, equality for everyone, regardless of who they are or what they live with. We’ve made a lot of headway, but we’re not there yet. There is so much beauty in the world and I know as a person who is both gay and disabled, sometimes it’s a struggle to see that beauty―but it shines through much like I do.
I hope my piece helps people think of the inherent struggles their disabled or 2SLGBTQI+ colleagues, friends and family members have had to go through. I hope when people look at my painting, they stop for a moment and appreciate the roadblocks 2SLGBTQI+ and disabled people have had to deal with because of who they are, and that they help take those roadblocks away, so the “water” can flow freely.
Ultimately, I hope when people look at my painting, they take a deep breath and find a new way to change the flow and narrative of their own story.
Gina is ready for something more.
She has been living with her husband Colin for a long time and, though she has tried to jumpstart their marriage again, it seems like a moot point. She’s hoping that the long-awaited trip to Kalosiros in Greece will bring the much-needed spark back into their relationship.
Gina has fond memories of Kalosiros and the trips that she took there with her mother when she was still alive. She also remembers her first love Nico that she met on the island and she remembers the love that bloomed between them while they strolled under sunlit skies along the shores.
Part of her still remains on that island along with the memories of her mother before she got sick. Gina wonders if the last time she was happy was when she in Greece with her mother and Nico. She has been working as a cleaner, trying desperately to save money for the trip back to the island and the memories that it still holds for her.
When Colin unexpectedly decides not to go with her, this is the final straw in their crumbling marriage. The trip away from Colin is a trial separation and as she boards the plane, she feels free for the first time in years. She knows that the two weeks in Greece will be life changing, but she is unaware of how much of herself she will find there.
Still, a small piece of her remembers her first ever love. She wonders if Nico is still on the island and if he will remember her all these years later. What she doesn’t count on is remembering the parts of herself that she had forgotten and that love really begins within.
I loved everything about this novel. Alex Brown has a way of really helping the reader to visualize the world that she’s created. Diving into Bring Me Sunshine, the Greek islands came alive for me and I could feel the sea breeze on my skin and feel the heat of the sun. She truly made Greece come to life for me.
I love the characters that she creates. Gina ends up meeting two women in the resort, Rosie and Deedee. The women become fast friends and they are happy to help Gina on her search for Nico and the love she left behind. What I love about the friendship of these three women is that they became my friends too as I continued to read. The relationship is so real and true and so heartfelt. I love how Alex Brown creates these characters that are so well written I feel like I’ve known them for years.
Alex Brown is so skilled at layering Gina’s story, revealing a piece of Gina a little bit at a time as she discovers Greece all over again and begins to heal. Brown always tells stories in a different way, and she is in top form with Bring Me Sunshine. Part of this novel deals with controlling marriage and mental abuse.
I’ve lived through several relationships where there was mental abuse at play. Though the abuse was never physical, they made sure to bring me down to the lowest form of myself. Reading along with Gina as she began to discover herself again and embraced what she loved, and not what someone else was telling her to love, was sheer joy. I celebrated right along with her as she was able to find herself again. I cheered when Rosie and Deedee told Gina that she deserved joy, happiness and love in her life and I loved Rosie and Deedee all the more for it.
Alex Brown’s books always come along when I’m in need of a little bit of healing myself. Though it’s been over a decade since I was in a mentally abusive relationship, part of them still remained within me and I would hear their voices whenever I doubted myself. After reading Bring Me Sunshine, I will let their voices go with the breeze so that they can no longer hurt me. That’s how powerful Alex Brown’s writing is.
I can’t wait to read this book again and go back to Kalosiros where the air is sweet with the promise of love.
I don’t normally talk about anything related to my day job on here, but this is too cool not to.
Some time ago, there was a call out at my work for an art project that had to do with ARDI (anti-racism, diversity, equity and inclusion). I submitted a piece I had finished recently and didn’t think anything of it for a while.
When I painted “Current”, my intent was twofold. I wanted to paint something that showed the two facets of myself. I was born with spastic Cerebral Palsy and was diagnosed with relapse remitting Multiple Sclerosis in 2014. I’m also gay and was finally comfortable enough to come out of the closet when I was eighteen.
In “Current”, I wanted to show the upstream battle that I’ve had to fight my entire life, always having to swim. I was inspired by salmon who swim upstream when it’s time and the red colour that begins to show on their scales. They fight to swim upstream, following an instinct that is part nature and part nurture. They shine because they just do.
I wanted to show in some way that, despite trying to blend into the crowd and be so called normal, my true self shines through anyways, no matter what I try to do. It’s also a celebration of the uphill battle that I’ve always fought against and won every single time because I choose to. The piece took me a few hours to do and I was so happy with how it turned out.
A few weeks had gone by and then I received an email saying that my work had bee chosen along with eleven other pieces had been chosen by eleven talented artists. That work would be made into elevator wraps for the twelve elevators that are in our office building. I was gobsmacked! I didn’t even know what an elevator wrap was, but I was still overjoyed. When I realized what elevator wraps were, I was over the moon happy!
I finally got to see my elevator wrap today and it still doesn’t seem real, but I have the photos to prove it! I’m so glad that a painting I did is now part of an instillation to help symbolize inclusion and equality. I’m overjoyed that this is something that people will see every time they go into the building.
I’m so happy and overjoyed and so thrilled that my art is being seen by so many people. It makes my heart and spirit happy. I’m also amazed that a 10 by 10 inch piece is now covering an entire elevator door. It shows that big things really do come in small packages.