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I’ve been rather quiet on here.
That has mostly been because I’ve been busy. I finished the first draft of my new memoir last week and I’ve been so intent on finishing that. You know when you can see the end in sight? When I get like that with a book, I just plug in and keep going. I have a terrible habit of working on a lot of different projects at once, often writing and editing two different books at the same time and painting at the same time. The words and the paints have been even more of a comfort lately.
I just knew that I was so close to finishing the first draft of Someone Else’s Life, I knew that I had to give it my full attention while my memory was good and the memories were fresh in my mind. The more I wrote of the memoir, the more memories showed themselves, climbing out of the shadows of my mind. While the going was good, I went with it and writing this book has taught me a lot about myself and the foundations on which make up a lot of who I am today. I’m going through the book and writing the second draft.
Once I’m done the second draft, I will send the book out to beta readers to see what needs to be reworked and or changed before it goes off to the editors. I’m planning on self-publishing it sometime within this year, but no idea when yet. I have the ideas for my next book written out and it will keep until I’m done with Someone Else’s Life.
I’m also working on stuff for Minotaur. It’s hard for me to believe that after so long in my mind, the book is out there in the world and people have been reading it! Its wonderful and nerve wracking at the same time to have the book out there. I’m hoping to organize a book tour and some interviews. I’ll keep you posted on news as it develops, but things are in the works.
There are a few more projects I would like to complete. I want to put out a book of short stories; I haven’t had a collection in years. I’d like to put out a new book of poems, and I have an idea for a follow up to Minotaur. I’d like to have another art show, and I am always being called to the easel for something.
But the thing is, I’ve also been trying to make myself a priority.
I’ve also been going through a bit of a difficult time and struggling with my mental health more than usual and I’ve taken the time to rest, recuperate and find my centre. I didn’t want to lose myself to the forest again. Too often, I push through and keep pushing until I’m exhausted. I don’t want to do that to myself anymore. It’s hard to stop the cycle of forcing myself to work against the grind of my own mind, body and spirit. I can’t continue without making myself a priority.
Too often, I just keep going. I keep writing, painting, working full time and I just push through it and keep going until my body stops me. That’s my usual pattern, but I wanted to try something different this time. I wanted to honour the creative work I do by honouring myself. I can’t create if my body won’t let me. I have been trying to find my balance and that should start with me. I can’t create from an empty well, and everything starts with me, including my frame of mind. More than anything, I’ve been trying to find comfort in a world which I no longer makes sense.
It’s been a difficult journey, but I’m trying to unravel the foundation’s that gave me the bad habits that push me so much. I no longer need to fight in order to survive, I have to focus on living. It’s hard to let go of that way of thinking. I’m trying to undo trauma and find myself within the reflections of who I have been in the past. I need to be able to see who I have become in the mirror, too, not just who I have been.
Stay tuned for more coming soon I promise. I hope you are all well in the world that has become so difficult to understand.
When we found each other,
I was just beginning
to put myself back together.
It had taken me months to gather
the pieces of myself
that had been taken from me.
I had been rebuilding,
placing the shards one by one,
the holes welcoming what had been missing.
When you looked at me,
you saw the pieces that I was holding
and told me that I was beautiful.
With a gentle touch,
you helped me put the pieces back,
cradling them like fine jewels.
Through your eyes,
I could see myself as I never had before;
Mirrors had become portals
instead of fun house glass.
Even though the glass sometimes warps itself,
the shards that were broken occasionally try
to wriggle free,
you always manage to help me see
who I really am.
You are able to see me
without the filters of dislike
that have built up over time.
When I look in the mirror now,
though the internal critic can be cruel,
you help me to look deep within myself
so that I can see the garden
that we have grown together.
If I get right up close to the mirror,
I can sometimes catch the flame of my light
that burns brighter because of
you.
I am trying to let go of time.
Not everything needs to be done like clockwork.
I know this,
but I am a creature of routine.
Time has been both my safety net and my touchstone.
Repetition brings me comfort.
It brings an assurance that there is something within my life
that I can control,
and comfort is a hard thing to break free of.
I measure everything I do in time,
in how long it takes,
how many seconds and minutes have passed.
Whatever task I take on during the day
is usually done at the same time:
a glass of water when I wake at 5:30,
followed by a shower that is exactly twenty to thirty minutes long,
depending on whether or not I need to shave.
Everything is routine,
nothing changes even as I try to break free,
finding both solace and restraint as
I attempt to let go of the hold that time has,
It’s so tempting to let time hold me in its embrace,
for it never leads me wrong if I honour it.
Time does not know it,
but I have started to make dinner later each day,
starting with a few seconds past six,
then a few minutes and then a quarter of an hour.
Recently,
dinner was ready a full half hour beyond six.
No one died,
and the earth did not fall away from me.
Standing in the kitchen after dinner,
I was the very soul of a rebel,
each minute that I’ve taken back like jewel
that has been found within myself.
However,
after glancing at a clock and seeing the late hour,
I don’t want to push it too far,
lest time begins to fall away
completely.
“You make every situation worse.”
I know that the words
are not meant as they sound,
that taking them literally
could be my undoing.
Yet,
that is just what my brain does
when the words make themselves heard,
having hidden away in the soup of my mind
when the hurt was too
BIG, fresh and new.
As they emerged,
the words carried new meaning,
even as I took them out of context
by viewing them under a certain kind of light.
I go over every situation that we have shared,
playing them on repeat in my skull,
watching as the memories play and replay,
wondering how my presence there
made it all the worse for you.
I pull a memory out of the film in front of me,
watching as it performs its cloud dance upon the palm of my hand,
its black and white colours a whisper on my skin.
When it disappears,
fading back into the film catalogue my head holds,
I am left with the echo of joy
that shows me I’m holding onto the words the wrong way.
I let them go and a drop of blood
f
a
l
l
s
from where I held on to
the sharp edge of a Y too tightly,
and I feel a moment of pain
as an S slices though my palm,
leaving a drop of blood
on my skin.
It’s that lovely time of year when I look back at all of the books that brought me so much joy throughout the year. These are the books that made me feel seen, gave me hope, helped me learn about myself and left me healed when I finished them. It’s always a difficult process to narrow down everything that I’ve read in a year to ten books and this year was no exception. These are the books that stood out among the crowd for me. The same rules apply: the book must be published in 2025.
We Bury Our Bones in the Midnight Soil by V. E. Schwab
You had me at lesbian vampire fiction. What an absolutely fantastic novel told in alternating storylines. Like every V. E. Schwab novel, you can’t guess at where it’s going to go or what is going to happen. This is a novel about immortality, hunger, lust and love and what a group of women are willing to do to live forever or be free of the curse of immortality. It travels across time and it’s quite unlike anything I’ve ever read before. When I finished this book, my whole world looked different. That’s the power of this book.
The Black Wolf by Louise Penny
When The Grey Wolf ended with a cliffhanger, I knew that we were in for a treat when The Black Wolf was released. I wondered how she would be able to continue the breakneck pace of The Grey Wolf. I needn’t have worried. The Black Wolf is still a novel set in the Three Pines world that we love and adore so much, but it goes so much further than that. She has Armand take on a threat to public safety, an international conspiracy and threats from other countries that could change Canada forever. I’m staying purposely vague for those that haven’t read either The Grey Wolf of The Black Wolf, but The Black Wolf was written by someone at the top of her game. A fantastic addition to the series.
Dogs Don’t Break Hearts by ‘Nathan Burgoine
I’ve been a longtime fan of Burgoine’s work. He is able to delve into the heart of the characters and he never disappoints, but this book is different. Dogs Don’t Break Hearts captivates from the first page, and it gets better from there. I read this book a day and immediately turned back to the first page and reread the book. The story of Beck and Oliver and the dogs that bring them together brought me so much joy. Dogs may not break hearts, but this book mended mine. Burgoine gives us a love story between two queer kids that really is perfection. There is so much heart here. left me changed when I finished it.
Speculative Shorts by Cait Gordon
What a fantastic book! it made me so happy to see so many different disabilities represented on the pages of this book. The stories made me feel real emotional reactions which is so hard to do with short stories. I was moved by this collection many times. Every story is different, but one thing unites them. Each of the characters are disabled in some way, but that doesn’t stop them from setting out what they need to do. Gordon is skilled at writing about disabled protagonists and each of them read like a real person. Though the stories are speculative, they are very real human stories that reminded me of the true powers of the human spirit.
Wish You Were Here by Alex Brown
What is more healing than the magic of friendship? When Deedee’s husband passes away, she doesn’t feel like she’ll ever get over his passing. With a milestone birthday fast approaching, she invites her friends Gina and Rosie to celebrate with her. However, Joe has left one surprise for Deedee with will change everything. I love Alex Brown’s books. They go beyond chic lit and instead they blur the lines between genres. This book is no exception, and I was left feeling hopeful and happy by the end of it, showing me once again that Alex Brown is capable of the best kinds of magic.
Dissatisfied Me: West Coast Larry by Bruce D. Gordon
Larry is a character that I love to hate. Almost everything he does is cringeworthy and yet, I can’t look away when reading about his exploits. Larry is a morally questionable protagonist and anti-hero, and I can’t help but root for him. This book continues on from the first novel Dissatisfied Me and you wouldn’t think that Larry could get worse, but he does! He also shows that though he is a bit of a bumbling idiot, you can’t help but feel for him. Larry become embroiled in a possible prophecy, and you can bet that lunacy takes place. I have never wanted to throttle and hug a person at the same time. An absolute delight from start to finish.
Killing Me Slothly by Melissa Yi
I have loved every book by Melissa Yi but the books in her Seven Deadly Sins series are her best yet. In Killing me Slothly, the novel revolves around the sin of sloth. From the moment the book opens, things go awry when someone dies. Is this a real killer or is there another explanation for the death? According to the cult that has invaded the hospital, the mythical being Cthulhu is to blame. This tests everything doctor Hop Sze knows and her life is in danger. Will she survive Cthulhu or will she perish in the attempt to find answers? This is the fist time that Yi has delved into the supernatural and I’m here for it. A thrilling tale from start to finish that left me gobsmacked. A flat-out thrill from start to finish.
The Book of Dust: The Rose Field by Philip Pullman
I have long wondered what happened to Lyra Silvertongue. At the end of The Amber Spyglass, she is left searching for her Daemon Pan and Will, the boy she loves. The Golden Compass, The Subtle Knife and The Amber Spyglass are books that live within me. It’s the same with the new trilogy of books, of which The Rose Field is the last. I didn’t think that it was possible for Pullman to pull of the kind of magic he did in The Rose Field. At long last, we find out what happens to Lyra and if she’s able to outrun those that hunt her. My expectations for this novel were really high. How could Pullman cap off not just a trilogy but an entire series? He not only succeeds, The Rose Field is a book that somehow goes beyond my expectations. You will have to be familiar with the previous books in the series, but if you are, oh what a tale awaits you.
Never Flinch by Stephen King
Holly Gibney is back and this time she’s playing for keeps. In a novel that twists and turns an keeps you guessing, Holly is an incredible protagonist. She’s neurodivergent and swears a lot, but she sees the world differently. This will serve her well in a novel that sees Holly not only face down a killer who threatens to kill thirteen innocent people just for the sake of it, she also has to help Kate McKay, a controversial women’s rights activist who is being stalked. This novel seemed like a regular mystery novel at the beginning, but I should have known. It’s a Stephen King book, so anything can happen and thankfully it does! By the time the book got to the cataclysmic ending, I was left spellbound. I have not enjoyed a King book so much in years and it’s nice to see that Stephen King is back in top form.
Everything is Tuberculosis by John Green
I picked this book up only because I have read everything that Green has written. I didn’t know what to expect when I opened this volume. What I wasn’t expecting was the history lesson that I was given intertwined with the story of a boy who just wants to survive. This is a very human tale about a terrible illness that has claimed so many. I love this book so much that I got the hardcover, ebook and audiobook. This is a short book with a powerful story that left me changed. It armed with me with knowledge and Green told a story that connected with my heart and mind. I am so grateful for this book.