Check this out! I was on TV!
I was on Let’s Chat with Derick Fage. During the episode, we talk about what it’s been like living with Multiple Sclerosis and Cerebral Palsy and what my journey has been like.
Click below to watch and I hop you enjoy it!
I am finding it difficult to walk.
There is a weight that pulls at me;
it slows my every step
and I am surprised by the pain
that I’m experiencing,
as if shards of glass are caught in my skin.
Tired of moving forward
at such a slow pace,
I look back at where I’ve come from
and I can see the path that I’ve walked on
but there is something else behind me
other than my footsteps.
There are chains that stretch from me
and they fill the path like snakes,
shining in the sunlight.
I try to pull one chain towards me
but it seems to stretch on forever.
There is no end the it and I wonder
how long I’ve been carrying them.
I keep trying to pull the chain towards me,
their weight heavy and dull,
hoping that I will find an ending,
but there are so many links and the chains are so long.
Soon, the chains form a wall around me
and there is an overwhelming panic that fills my skin
along with the shards of glass.
I keep pulling them towards me,
sweat breaking out on my brow,
when a voice stops me.
“Now why would you do that?”
I turn and see a woman.
She stands in front of me and I wonder
how long she has been there.
“I am trying to find out what’s at the end of them.”
I tell her.
She offers me a kind smile.
“If you did find out, would it change anything?”
I shake my head.
“I don’t know. But I have to do something.”
She extends a hand and her skin
is covered in the stars themselves.
I can see galaxies and moon
Intermingling with the stars
twinkle like fireflies.
“You can choose to let them go.”
I feel a moment of panic.
“But I’ve forged these links, one by one.”
I tell her.
“Why would I want to let go of something that I’ve created? These are my memories.”
She looks sad for a moment.
I know that she is trying
to find the right words.
When she speaks,
her voice is gentle and sincere.
“These aren’t your creations. These chains were made when you experienced pain or torment.”
I look at the mass of chains in front of me,
remembered how they sneaked back along the sand,
almost as if they had carved the path I’m on.
I take in the kindness in her eyes and take a deep breath,
the length of the chains worrisome.
“But I’ve dealt with all of this.”
I tell her.
“I’ve let this all go. How can I still be carrying this?”
She reaches out and places a hand on my own.
I watch as a comet shoots from her hand to mine.
“Sometimes, trauma leaves traces that we don’t see.”
I look at the chains and feel overwhelmed.
A panic is rising in me and it clouds my vision for a moment
until she places a hand on my own again.
I watch as a shower of stars fall onto my skin from hers
and I feel calmer already.
“You can choose to let go.”
She tells me.
Reaching out with a gentle hand,
she gently unhooks one of the chains,
letting it fall to the ground.
I follow suit and unhook another chain.
Soon, the ground it littered with chains,
the metal gleaming brightly under the hot sun.
I look down at my chest.
There is still a small chain or two there.
I wonder if they will grow longer once more.
She notices me looking at the chains that remain.
“Those will fall away in time. Learn what you can from the pain and let them go.”
I nod, her words ringing softly in my head.
“So what happens now?”
I ask her, unsure of what to do.
“That’s simple. You walk forwards one step at a time.”
I do so and while I feel a moment of fear,
what I really feel is the light of hope
as I leave the chains behind.
Along my skin,
the stars and the comet
On March 3rd, 2019, Little Yellow Magnet was published and sent out into the world. It’s the most difficult book that I’ve ever written. Thus, it’s also the one that I’m most proud of.
In 2018 I sat down to write a little book on positivity. People were always asking me how I stayed so positive living with Multiple Sclerosis and Cerebral Palsy. Being a writer, I thought I would write a book on positivity and positive thinking that would hopefully help others.
I called it Mastering Self, see what I did there? I thought to link the title to MS in some way as the MS had truly taught me what I was capable of. The only problem? I got to page twenty-nine before I realized that it wasn’t working.
By focusing on only the positive elements of my experiences with Multiple Sclerosis, I was ignoring all the work that I had done on myself and ignoring everything that I had been through. Just focusing on the positive wasn’t working. It was like the Coles Notes version of my life.
I had learned a lot from the dark. I learned what I’m capable of and how to sparkle as brightly as the stars. In the darkness, I could finally see how brightly I shone. I had been through so much to get to where I was that I knew that I had to write everything, every moment, not just the happy ones.
When I started writing Little Yellow Magnet, really started, it felt like I was coming home to myself in a way. Someone asked me during the writing of it why I felt I had to write the book. I said that it wasn’t so much that I felt I had to. I was compelled to write it. It was my hope that if Little Yellow Magnet helped just one person, then my book had fulfilled its purpose.
It was so wonderful to let everything out, too. During the writing of Little Yellow Magnet, I realised how much I had been holding on to, how much I still hadn’t let go of. The memoir was a cathartic adventure through my life and I could finally see how very high I had been able to climb.
To celebrate Little Yellow Magnet’s second Birthday, I have two gifts for you.
The first one is that you can read Little Yellow Magnet for free. From March 4th to March 8th, you can download the ebook of Little Yellow Magnet from Amazon. If you read it, all I ask is that you review it on Amazon, or anywhere else you like to post book reviews. You can download it here:
The second gift that I have for you is that you can also read the original seed for Little Yellow Magnet: Mastering Self. It contains all twenty-nine pages of the original attempt at what became Little Yellow Magnet. I like how you can see what the memoir would become, even within those twenty-nine pages. It’s like a companion to the memoir, the seed that grew into full bloom.
I hope you enjoy it and that it inspires you to read Little Yellow Magnet so you can find what happened. You can download it here free. It’s in PDF format and free to read.
Little Yellow Magnet is available in ebook, paperback and audiobook. Whichever way you read it, I hope that the story takes you on an adventure.
Everyone with Little Yellow Magnet a very Happy Birthday!
you have the power
to leave me breathless.
You are always able to see me
as I truly am and you love me,
even when I cannot.
You love the parts of me
that I hide in shadow
and you pull them out into the light
so that I can see myself completely.
You have taught me a language
that doesn’t need words
that I share only with you.
Just as you see all of me,
I see all of you and love you completely.
When I look at you,
I can see only light.
You have no idea
how the light of your love
has changed my life
and made it better.
My love for you deepens
with each passing day,
and every passing minute.
Throughout the journey
that we’ve been on,
we’ve done it together,
always walking beside one another,
supporting each other.
Every day with you is a gift
and all the moments in between,
the waking and sleeping
that links all those days together.
When I close my eyes,
I can see both of our hearts
beating as one.
There is a light that comes from them
and I can see that light
every time I look at you.
I’ve forgotten who I am.
I seem to exist in this constant haze,
never sure if I’m living or if I’m merely existing.
omnipotent and omnipresent,
fills my mind.
I try to see past the fog,
slipping my fingers into it,
trying to part it as if the fog were a curtain.
I am successful.
Beyond the fog there is a river and,
even when I can’t see the cool and crystalline water,
I can hear it as it rushes over the rocks.
If I listen to the water closely,
it sounds like someone is singing.
I try to look further through the fog so that I can see who the voice belongs to,
but the fog closes in,
becoming a wall that I cannot see past,
even as I try to dig my fingers into it,
trying to pull it open once more.
In the fog,
there are voices,
those of people from my past or from people I used to be,
the ones that never thought I was good enough,
that I am not deserving of what I have.
I cover my ears,
trying to stop the voices from getting in,
and yet there is still sound.
It’s the singing I’ve heard upon the crystalline waters,
the voice I’ve heard beyond the fog.
As it’s voice soars,
I hear it from within me and I realize that the voice is mine,
that the song I heard was my own.
As I stand there,
the fog whispering around me,
I close my eyes and watch as the song lights a flame within me.
It comes to light and grows stronger as the voice continues to sing.
I am the river and the fog,
the light within my body and my physical self.
I know that I will have to keep this flame alight,
that I must somehow see it across the river.
This gives me focus,
that I will find my way through.