The Fifth Stage – A Poem

I was in denial for weeks.

I kept trying to pretend

everything was okay,

that I was all right

but I was lying to myself

and to those around me

who could see through

my façade because

they knew me so well.

Never very far under

the surface of my skin,

I could feel the anger

burning through all of me.

I was furious with the world

and at the way my story

was unfolding, the lack

of control that I had

over my own body.

I would look up

at the ceiling at night

and imagined that

I could see the stars.

Thoughts kept running

around in my head

and I would make

bargains with myself,

with a higher power.

I would promise to be kinder

because I had not been kind enough.

I would promise to give more

of myself to others

because I had not given enough.

I would promise to be more.

just more if it would bring

and ending to my plight.

Nothing happened. I remained

on the same path,

the same plight within my skin.

I would look at myself

in the mirror

and I swore that I could see

the disease that resided

within me, and that filled me

with a flood of water

that seemed never to end.

The dark forest called to me,

its leaves whispering

during the night.

It was only when I began

to burst into tears at random moments

that I realized I was depressed.

The dark forest was growing

stronger, the leaves more visible

with each passing day.

I looked at those leaves,

the trees that I knew so well

and I knew that I wanted

something different,

that I wanted to tell

a different kind of story.

I needed to take control

of how the pages were turned.

I felt a soft breeze

ripple over my skin

when I had that thought.

I decided that I would not fight,

that whatever happened

would happen anyways.

I had a choice and I chose

to accept the way my path

was full of rocks and cliff edges.

I had gotten past those roadblocks.

before and each time I was able

to move past one,

I learned something about myself.

This time, I knew that

the journey would be

full of light of darkness,

the choice was mine

to make. I would have to

take things one step

at a time and I wondered

what this journey

would teach me.