i know, but… – a poem

i feel this endless need

to say that I’m sorry.

i know it’s not my fault,

that the storm that rages

within my skin

is not of my doing,

but i want to make everything better,

want to somehow

take away the pain

that it’s causing everyone

and the endless inconveniences

of being sick.

my mind knows

that none of this is my fault

but I want to make everything

better, easier, more manageable.

i know that i have no control over this,

but I carry this guilt with me,

this anger at what the storm

has caused me to sacrifice,

the endless hours of darkness,

wandering around in a body

that i no longer understand,

having to find a new way

over and through the mountains

that are my life.

And yet,

it is because of those mountains

that i have truly seen the world

and what it has to offer me,

the land spreading far and wide

all around me.

i know that the mountain

and the storm that live inside me

are almost insurmountable,

but i will keep climbing,

letting the water wash over me

until I reach the top.