Looking into the mirror,
I wonder how the glass
can warp itself into new and unusual
shapes? Or is it my body,
left to fend for itself
in front of my eyes that judge,
reflected back at me? I no longer know.
Looking at myself,
tracing my finger along the curves
of my skin that holds me
in an eternal embrace,
I try to pinpoint the moment
where I began to hate myself.
In talks with my therapist,
I’ve been trying to find out
when that moment was,
who took my joy from me
and left me with this loathing?
At night, I like to imagine a shadow
creeping into my bedroom,
slithering like oil along my skin
and taking everything, I love about myself
until I am left with the dregs
that deserve my hate.
When I wake and I look in the mirror,
I can see only the things I dislike
about myself. As I am choosing
what I dislike the most that day,
a flash goes off in my eyes.
In the brilliance of that light,
I’m able to travel back in time
to the moment where I didn’t care,
where what I looked like didn’t matter,
what did matter was being myself,
holding onto the sense of who I was
and just existing. I blink my eyes,
seeing the child that I was, his smile
still showing along my own mouth that
frowns at me as my eyes find me lacking.
I reach into my skin, digging my fingers
underneath the first layer, pulling it away slowly
so that this veneer of what
I think I’m supposed to look like
can be shed like a snakeskin.
When its done, I look at this pile of skin,
wondering what it means.
I do not look like anyone else, I’m perfect
in my way. Every line or perceived imperfection
upon that layer of skin tells a tale,
a story that unfolds itself
along my body. I hold the layer of snakeskin
out to the wind in hopes that it
will take it away from me.
I look at the new later that is growing
on my face, fresh and pink and I make
a promise to myself; I will love myself
as I am and stop wishing for something different.
I know that this will take time,
but I can feel the seed of light
growing within me. Looking into the mirror,
I can see the light in my eyes and I take
another look to see what
the light can see.