I have had a hard time loving myself.
The mirror only shows me
what I don’t want to look at
but I’ve realized over time that I’m hearing
the thoughts of other people.
A previous boyfriend: “You’d be more attractive if you lost twenty pounds.”
I’ve rallied against these thoughts,
these voices of others that are on repeat
inside of my head, talking louder
than my own internal critic.
An ex-husband: “Gosh, try not to look at me head on. Your lazy eye is disgusting.”
I have struggled with how I look for years,
feeling like I’m never thin enough,
or attractive enough to fit in and to belong.
A not friend: “You’re welcome here, even though you’re not beautiful. We’re kind that way.”
For years, I’ve had to fight against the opinions
of people that in the end do not matter to me.
Why then did their words and insults
hold onto my mind, hurting me every time
that I looked into a mirror?
A dentist: “Oh you were born that way? And you just grew to be comfortable with how you look?”
I’m so tired of hearing all of these voices,
the weight of their words dragging me down
until it feels like I can’t hold myself upright.
I no longer want to be triggered the opinions
of other people and what stares back at me
from inside of the mirror.
My husband: “You’re perfect for me.”
I need to remember that I am more beautiful
than my voices think I am.
My husband: “I love your pudge. It’s one of my favourite things about you.”
The opinions of others don’t matter,
only what I think of myself does.
I need to start celebrating what I see in the mirror,
let the words from the past fade from my mind
and the mirror in front of me is so clear
that I can see all the past parts of me
I was taught not to love.
My husband: “Your smile is one of the first things I noticed about you. It lights up a room.”
I cannot hold onto time, for I am not a time lord.
There is no way that I can control what happened
in the past, but I can control my present and my future.
I can control which voices I hear
and what I see in the mirror.
Throughout my past, I was taught to hate myself.
In my present and my future, and now and going forwards,
I will try to look at myself with love.
I will let go of the voices, give them to the wind
so that they are taken away from me.
From now on, every time I see something
that I dislike in the mirror, I will shine brightly
so that all I can see is my light.