To Conjure Fire – A Poem

I’ve realized

that you are still inside

of my head, taking up residence,

claiming space within my mind

when you have no business being

there in the first place.

I’ve tried to think of why I’ve held

so tightly to you and the sound

of your voice when it was filled

with so much hate. I’ve attempted to

make sense of why I would hold onto

all the doubt you created within me;

it rang so loudly, my body was filled with

a storm that only found its ending

when I broke up with you.

I think that I’ve held on to your voice,

the blanket of cold that would fill me,

because part of me, however small,

still believed that I was worth nothing.

That tiny part of me still believed the lies you told,

still believed that I was broken

in some way, even though I know

that I’m not.

I don’t want to hold onto you any longer,

the coldness you evoked in me

where there should have been warmth,

or the feathers of fear that formed shadows

on my walls when I should have

been able to conjure fire.

You have remained a parasitic guest in my head

for over ten years, trying to build up the walls

inside of myself so that I would remain in the darkness

and for every brick you put up, I took two down.

I built barriers inside my skin to protect myself from you

and with your voice gone from my mind,

I don’t need them anymore.

Now that there are no more walls

and no more you, it’s like I can see

myself completely for the first time.

Without your voice speaking from my mind,

I like myself even more than I did before

Ten years is too long to hold on to someone

who never loved me in the first place.

I let the ghost of you go

and I’m finally able

to make fire.