that you are still inside
of my head, taking up residence,
claiming space within my mind
when you have no business being
there in the first place.
I’ve tried to think of why I’ve held
so tightly to you and the sound
of your voice when it was filled
with so much hate. I’ve attempted to
make sense of why I would hold onto
all the doubt you created within me;
it rang so loudly, my body was filled with
a storm that only found its ending
when I broke up with you.
I think that I’ve held on to your voice,
the blanket of cold that would fill me,
because part of me, however small,
still believed that I was worth nothing.
That tiny part of me still believed the lies you told,
still believed that I was broken
in some way, even though I know
that I’m not.
I don’t want to hold onto you any longer,
the coldness you evoked in me
where there should have been warmth,
or the feathers of fear that formed shadows
on my walls when I should have
been able to conjure fire.
You have remained a parasitic guest in my head
for over ten years, trying to build up the walls
inside of myself so that I would remain in the darkness
and for every brick you put up, I took two down.
I built barriers inside my skin to protect myself from you
and with your voice gone from my mind,
I don’t need them anymore.
Now that there are no more walls
and no more you, it’s like I can see
myself completely for the first time.
Without your voice speaking from my mind,
I like myself even more than I did before
Ten years is too long to hold on to someone
who never loved me in the first place.
I let the ghost of you go
and I’m finally able
to make fire.