The anger still

tries to raise

it’s ugly head

within me. When

the dragon roars,

it is as

if I am

viewing myself from

a distance above

my head, looking

down. I’m watching

myself and don’t

recognize myself, what

I become when

I’ve lost myself

in pure emotion.

I always come

back to myself,

so that I

can see out

of my own

eyes once more.

When I come

back to myself,

I look around

at the fires

that I started

with my own

breath, with my

wordless wails of

woe and rage.

Afterwards, I sit

and remember to

breathe. This time,

I need the

wind on my

face, the earth

under my feet.

I find a

bench by a

city street and

sit there, letting

the world pass

me by. I

begin to cry,

the tears sliding

down my face.

Soon, the tears

pool at my

feet. The puddle

begins to grow,

the tears forming

first a stream

and then a

river where the

road used to

be. The drivers

ride along the

waves as if

nothing is wrong.

I realize that

I am the

only one who

can see the

water. It’s waves

lap against my

feet. I hear

a voice inside

speaking softly, gently,

in my ear:

“Let it go.”

I open my

mouth and tilt

my head to

the sky. Leaves

pour out of

my mouth, each

of them pointy

and black in

colour. There are

tinges of red

along the edges.

As each leaf

leaves my mouth,

it rides along

the air for

a moment before

landing in the

water. The leaves

make ripples in

the water that

radiate outward. Soon

the water is

filled with leaves,

a sea of

them. As each

leaf hits the

water, I feel

lighter, as if

I’m regaining a

part of myself.

Soon, the flow

of leaves from

my mouth slows

and then stops.

I simply watch

as the leaves

are taken away

by the water

that only I

can see.

There aren’t enough words…

I told him.

He looked at

me with a

smile that radiated

warmth. He took

my hand and

I felt that

warmth from him

pass into me.

There doesn’t have to be words. I know how you feel in here.

He pointed to

his heart. Then

to his eyes.

I see it, every time I look at you.

I know, I feel the same way.

I said. However,

he could see

that I still

wanted to find

the words. It

was what I

did. I was

always able to

describe the indescribable.

With him, I

found words lacking.

Tell me what you would say. Not with words, but with emotions.

I thought that

to be an

impossible task. He

could see that

I was having

trouble trying to

put into words

that which I

couldn’t describe. He

took my hand.

Just try.

He said softly.

For me.

I nodded and

tried to picture

what he made

me feel like.

I saw warm

sun shining on

my skin, bright

like the warmth

that he filled

me with. I

opened my eyes

and saw nothing

had change. He

took my other

hand and smiled.

You have to give life to what you see. Use your imagination.

I opened my

mouth to respond

and a ball

of light slipped

out of my

mouth. It floated

between us for

a moment before

rising to the

sky, filling the

world around us

with light. He

smiled at me.

There, I knew you could do it. What else do you see?

I thought of

how he was

like the breeze

flowing through the

trees, how just

the touch of

him made me

feel alive. Around

us, shoots began

to slide out

of the grass,

forming a circle

of trees around

us. He laughed

at this and

the sound was

like music to

my ears. He

moved closer to

me, put his

arm around me.

What else?

I thought of

how his love

for me filled

my heart with

song. I heard

the flutter of

wings and we

looked up into

the branches of

the trees and

they were filled

with birds of

ever shape and

colour. They sang

sweetly to us,

a melody that

made my body

lighter. He kissed

me, softly and

looked at me,

so deep that

I thought I

could see his

soul, as if

his eyes were

windows or doorways.

You’re perfect.

I shook my

head, letting out

a laugh that

was it’s own

kind of music.

I’m far from perfect.

You’re perfect to me and I love all of you.

I let out

a happy sigh

and that turned

into a wind

that set the

leaves moving. The

sound was like

bells ringing and

I kissed him

amongst the music

of bells and

When I first

knew what I

was, the secret

inside of me,

I was at

university, a world

away from home.

We were in

the unicentre cafeteria,

a whole group

of us. We all

rotated around one

girl, Sheenagh. She

was our light.

I sat next

to her and

she could tell

that something was

bothering me. Artists,

whether into literature,

music or theatre

can always sense

discontent. She

gave me one

of her patented

Sheenagh looks, where

you wondered what

she would say.

“What’s wrong with you? Are you on your man rag?”

She gave me

a Sheenagh smile,

and her brightness

increased. I wanted

to shine just

as brightly as

she did, but

for now, I

was content to

be in her

orbit. I struggled

with the words

I had to

say, words that

I had been

holding in for

as long as

I could remember.

I was nearly

shaking. Sheenagh

saw this and

put a hand

on my arm.

“What is it, honey? Don’t be afraid of what you need to say.”

I swallowed thickly.

“I think I’m gay.”

The world did

not stop and

no one ran

screaming from the

building. She laughed.

“Oh honey, I don’t think you’re gay. I know you are. Say it again. Own those words and be proud of who you are.”

I nodded and

gathered my voice.

“I’m gay.”

She laughed again,

the sound like

a tinkle of

bells being caressed

by water. Sheenagh

touched my cheek.

“You’re so serious. It’s not a serious thing, it’s a glorious thing, becoming yourself. Am I the first person you’ve told?”

I nodded again.

“Oh, sweetheart. I’m honoured. What’s your favourite animal?”

I though about

it for a

moment. It had

been cows up

until recently, but

lately, Wolves had

been entering my

dreams at night.

“Wolves.”

I said, smiling.

“There now. We have to celebrate your freedom!”

“My freedom?”

“Yes! You’re free from your past and your life begins now!”

She stood up

on her chair

and then got

onto the table.

She raised her

arms up in

the air and

spoke in a

loud voice that

carried through the

whole unicentre cafeteria.

“I am a bisexual moose!”

I expected the

others to laugh,

for the crowd

around us to

tell us to

shut up, for

someone to complain.

Instead, one of

the other people

who orbited around

Sheenagh, another artist

named Jackie, stood

up, and proclaimed:

“I am a lesbian porpoise!”

Others were getting

into the spirit

of things, climbing

onto their tables

and proclaiming what

they were for

everyone to hear.

“I am a gay lion”

“I am a lesbian tiger!”

“I am a bisexual bear!”

“I am a straight fish!”

“I am a lesbian gorilla!”
“I am a gay tortoise!”

“I am an asexual dog!”

“I am a straight cat!”

“I am a gay chinchilla!”

“I am a lesbian cougar!”

I was the

last one, the

only one who

hadn’t stood up

on the table

and proclaimed to

the world who

and what I

was. Sheenagh held

out her hand

to me, smiling.

“It’s your turn honey. Shine bright and do not be afraid of who you are.”

I stood and

climbed up onto

my chair, I

took her hand

and got up

onto the table.

“I am a gay Wolf.”

I said quietly.

“Oh, no, honey. You have to yell it. Wolves aren’t quiet like mice, they howl at the moon! You have to howl it honey, howl!”

“I AM A GAY WOLF!”

I screamed. Tears

were sliding down

my cheeks and

I felt a

moment of release,

of weightlessness. I

looked at Sheenagh

and she was

shining bright like

the sun she

was. She looked

at me with

eyes that were

so incredibly wise.

“There now. That wasn’t so hard, was it? I’m proud of you, my little Wolf.”

Everyone around us

began clapping and

cheering. In that

moment, I was

free. After university,

I never saw

Sheenagh again, but

I’ve followed her

example and have

continued shining brightly.