I Will Dream of You – A Poem

When you are away from me,

I lay down in the dark

and imagine stars appearing above me.

The same sky covers you like a blanket,

keeping you safe while you are far

and I know that you see the same stars

that I can see, even if they are

inside of my imagination.

I raise my hand to the black velvet sky

and I draw a line between the stars

so that I can form word for you.

Words like: *joy* and *heart* and *love*

I keep tracing words in the stars,

hoping that you will see them and think of me:

*husband* and *lover* and *best friend*

I don’t know how long I lay there

drawing in the sky with my fingers,

but I begin to hear my heartbeat

and I know that you can hear it, too.

I lay there and I am missing you,

but I know that you are with me

because we share a heart.

I gave you half of mine

and you gave me half or yours.

Even if you can’t see the words

that I’ve written in the stars,

I hope you can feel their light

shining down upon you.

I lay there still and just as I’m about

to let the sweet embrace of sleep claim me,

the stars above my head grow brighter,

just for a moment.

I blink my eyes and

when I can see clearly,

I turn my eyes back to the stars

and see four words written in the stars

that was not written by me:

*I* *will* *dream* *of* *you*

Letting sleep take me,

my sadness fades away

because I know that I will see you

in my dreams.

What I Remember of You – A Poem

I don’t remember

feeling safe within my own body.

I was always treated as if I was delicate,

as if I would break.

I would look at myself in the mirror,

trying to see the glass

that was under my skin.

I was treated like a freak,

told that I was weak,

that I wasn’t going to amount

to anything in the world around me.

I was treated like the elephant man

at school, people making fun

of the way I walked and ran.

I was told that I should feel shame

for the difficulty that I brought to my family.

I do remember the men who would point out

what they thought was wrong with me,

the reminders that I should be grateful

for their attention and for a long time,

I wondered if I was even worthy of love.

And then I met you.

I don’t remember that feeling of being seen before,

of having someone know me so deeply

that they know me better than I know myself.

I don’t remember the moment that I fell

in love with you because I don’t think

there ever was one single moment.

I think that I just loved you completely

from the moment that I met you

and it took me a while to realize it.

You have never looked at me

as something broken or fragile,

someone who needed to be pitied

or offered pity.

Instead, you see me as a whole person,

capable of anything that I set my mind to.

You believe in me when I don’t believe in myself.

When I look at myself in the mirror,

I don’t see the glass under my skin anymore

because you don’t see me as fragile.

You see me and love me completely, just as I am

and I love you more than words can say.

Even though I know there was a time

before you and I found each other,

I can’t remember my life without you

and can’t wait to see

what the future will bring.

Queen of Swords – The Story in the Cards

Originally, Queen of Swords was supposed to be a Tarot deck.

I had joined a course on how to create your own deck and I thought I would take the time to sit down and write out the story that I wanted to tell in the deck, lay out the backbone of it before I started laying out what I wanted the cards to be.

When I started writing Queen of Swords, my intent was to create a deck with it. I would lay out the story behind each of the seventy-eight cards and then use what I’d written as the guidebook that came with the deck. Perfect! Or so I thought. The only problem was that the story was too, the world too vast. Once I started writing Queen of Swords, I realized that I was writing a novel, not a guidebook.

It’s always been my dream to make my own Tarot deck. It’s no surprise that they appeal to me; Tarot is all about the story that you want to tell or the tale that is spotted within the cards. The cards help you to look within yourself so that you can find the direction you want to go in or clarity when all there seems to be is smoke and mirrors.

Being a writer, I appreciate the art of storytelling. The lovely thing about Tarot decks is that they are ultimately a different way to tell you own story, just with seventy-eight writing prompts or scenes that you can work into your story. I think that’s the most beautiful thing about Tarot. While there is a lot of mysticism and symbolism in the cards, they are ultimately about the story you want to tell yourself and how you are going to move forward with what you know now.

In the Queen of Swords, Jackie is a Tarot reader, and she always has her trusty Tarot deck with her everywhere she goes. When she feels lost on her journey, she draws cards for herself. This happens several times over the course of the book. In one of the first times that she draws cards for herself, she draws the Queen of Swords and the Hierophant.

It was interesting writing about Tarot in this way. Jackie knew what the cards said to her, but to me, the readings worked as a bit of foreshadowing for what was ahead in the novel. However, the lovely thing about the cards is that they can be read so may different ways.

Take the Queen of Swords. She is either brave or foolhardy, strong willed or vicious. She can be thoughtful or will act without thought, she can be clearheaded or lost within her own mind. Either way, she is a warrior. When you look at the Hermit, he symbolizes someone in your life that is encouraging you to take a break from the world to focus on yourself, or is the hermit a reminder for you to take a moment away to work on your own light? Is he a reminder or an inspiration that gets you to look in a different direction?

When you put the Queen of Swords and the Hermit together, the cards tell another story, one of reflection and contemplation. If the Queen of Swords is you, what can you to do shine your light? What do you need to do to make sure it keeps on shining?  What part of yourself do you need a light shined on so that you can see it more clearly?

Every card in a Tarot deck has a story to tell and it can be read so many different ways. I realized this even more when I began to write Queen of Swords. In the beginning, I was very concerned with making sure that every chapter was filled with all the symbolism that its card contained. In early drafts, Queen of Swords read less like a novel and more like a book on Tarot. It took me a while to realize that while I eventually wanted to write a book on Tarot, Queen of Swords was an adventure, a story, and it needed to read as such.

While there was a lot of space to play around in and I could relate what each card meant to me as a whole, I figured out that it had to grow organically if Queen of Swords was going to be a novel about the world that we knew and an adventure to be had. I had to stop thinking of how and where I would incorporate the symbolism of each card and tell the story as it wanted to come out. It was enough to have the Major Arcana as the spine of the novel and I could talk about the symbolism through the story.

In the end, I had to decide what kind of story I wanted the cards would tell. It had to work both as a novel and to a smaller degree, a book on Tarot. I decided that the story was more important than giving people an info dump on what I thought each card meant. That was the other thing I had to think about, too. I knew what all the other books on Tarot said about the cards and there were so many of them.

My strength with Tarot has always been on going with my intuition and saying what I see rather than quoting from a little white book. I knew that it had to be the same way with Queen of Swords and that the story had to be paramount. It was enough to have the inspiration behind the novel and the spine that held the novel together be the Tarot. I could write the story, but let Tarot influence the characters and the events that took place within the world in Queen of Swords.

Much like a Tarot reading, writing Queen of Swords was about telling the story and filtering in the wisdom that each card brought to each chapter. It deepened the story and the path that Jackie had to take. Much like a Tarot reading, the story within Queen of Swords had to stand on its own, but it would be inspired and influenced by everything around it.

Just like Jackie, and the Fool in the Major Arcana, the story within Queen of Swords had its own path to take. Much like the story in a Tarot reading, I just had to step out of the way and let it happen the way it wanted to in the first place.

Queen of Swords is available now from these fine retailers:

Barnes and Noble, Kobo, Amazon, Apple, Thalia Books, Vivlio, Smashwords, and Scribd

Held Together – A Poem

* For Karine

Word can’t express

what you have done for me.

Even when we are far apart,

you have been this this pillar

of strength for me,

a shining light that can through

the shadows that life brings.

Even when time passes between us,

when we meet again

it is like yesterday has yet to happen

and all we have to look forward to

is tomorrow and the future that waits.

Knowing you are there for me

as a friend and sister

has held me together

when I wanted to fall apart.

You shine so brightly

and I am so thankful for the light

that you give to my life.

On this day when we celebrate you,

I hope you know

what you bring to the world

and those around you.

Queen of Swords – Thoth and the Art of Balance

There was a period of time that I stayed away from Tarot.

I had gotten tired of it; I guess when you’re young, that happens with anything. I got tired of looking up meanings in a little white book and trying to decipher what the cards meant, what message they could possibly have for me. I grew tired of trying to see myself in arcane images and other people’s words.

Still though, the cards would call to me. I would see Tarot decks in bookstores and remember those first few years of learning Tarot, the joy that I would get every time that I would draw a card for myself or other people, the thrill of not knowing what the cards would say to me. Even if I couldn’t understand the message, the fact that it was meant for me filled me with joy.

It was after my struggles with my body and the eventual diagnosis of multiple sclerosis that brought me back to the cards. I remember those first few months of struggling with my body, trying to get it to do everything that it could do without thought before but now everything was a battle. I knew that there had to be more than the constant fight, the fear of not knowing.

Instead of hiding in the dark like I had been, I started to go back out in the world. The first thing I chose to do was to have a Tarot reading. My lovely friend Diane was giving readings as a finale to the Tarot course that she had been taking. It was October 31st and I thought nothing could be better and more appropriate than getting a Tarot reading on Halloween.

That reading changed my life. Diane gave me a reading with the Thoth deck. I had never seen it before and knew that I had to learn everything I could about this mysterious deck. I signed up for classes from her teacher so that I could learn about the mysteries of the Thoth Tarot deck. I will always remember what he said in that first lesson. He told us to pull a card and think about what it meant to us, telling us to go to the guidebook for guidance, but to really listen to what the card was saying to us without the benefit of someone else’s words.

I read countless books on Thoth, on the mysteries contained within and without, but I saw my own meanings for the cards. Some of them meshed with the ideas expressed in the books I had read, but the Thoth deck taught me to look for my own voice within the cards and tell my own story. I loved how deep you could go with the Thoth deck, how many mysteries that it held. The deck helped me to appreciate the mysteries that each Tarot deck held, just waiting to unfold.

When my cover designer Dominic Bercier and I started talking about my vision for the cover of Queen of Swords, I had a very basic vision: I knew that I wanted a woman with a lion, as long as those elements were on the cover, I would be happy.

He asked me about the main character of Jackie. She was based off of one of my friends, so I told him about her, how Jackie had been through so many challenges, but she never quit. That she was filled with a strength that actually made those around her feel stronger and a light that shone so brightly that it brightened the lives of those who knew her.

I talked a little bit about something from deep within the book and he said to leave it with him, that he had an idea and would just run with it. I said to go ahead. Dominic is an amazing artist and I’m in awe of what he can do. I wasn’t worried. What he got back to me with just blew my mind away.

Dominic said that it was based off of the balance card from the Thoth deck. He showed me the picture and I knew that he was talking about Adjustment, the card of balance and adjusting your centre so that you could carry a heavy weight. I thought this was a perfect inspiration for the cover of Queen of Swords. I also love how it brought me back to the Thoth deck after such a long time.

Queen of Swords is all about balance. Jackie has to learn about herself and find a way to balance who she was with who she is now with her world no longer the same. There is also the handling of swords to consider. Every great sword fighter knows it’s not enough just to jab and perry. You have to be balanced with your sword, become one with it, so that you can make your attack.

It should come as no surprise that balance is something I’m currently learning to do and so I knew that Jackie would have to find a balance in her life on the journey throughout Queen of Swords. It would be a balance of light and dark, of can’t an can, one of what she had to learn versus what she knew already. At the beginning of the book, she is just running away. By the middle of the book, she realizes that she is running towards something.

I love the fact that Dominic brought the story back to the Thoth deck. I wrote it using the Smith Waite as the spine of the novel and the Thoth deck ended up as the books skin, two part of my journey with Tarot represented in one book. In a way, that’s a gorgeous kind of balance too.

Everything about Tarot, even if presented in book form, is a journey. We just have to be willing to go on that journey and listen to what the cards have to say.

Queen of Swords is available here:

Barnes and Noble

Kobo

Amazon

Apple Books

Thalia Books

Vivlio

Smashwords

Scribd