Jamieson Wolf
Number-one bestselling author
The Weight of Water – A Poem
I’ve been trying to make sense
of a world that no longer speaks
a language that I understand.
All around me,
there seems to be nothing
but chaos and havoc,
mayhem and unsettled hearts.
Even as I look at the world
and try to understand
what it is that I am seeing,
it changes again and becomes
even more full of hate
than it was before.
It’s as if I am looking at everything
through a looking glass.
I can see my reality shift and move,
never staying still.
What is happening in the world right now
is abuse. There is no other word for it.
I have chosen to believe
we will heal ourselves after this,
that we will come through the waterfall
into a world that is recognizable
and washed anew from the water.
I dream of freedom, yes,
but not the kind that they want.
I long for the day when I will crawl
out from under the weight,
standing despite the emotions
that want to pull me under the surface,
but I wonder what I will have to let go of
in order to do so.
In the River – A Poem
*For Wonder Mom
When you carried me,
I learned from you
as I swam upon
the river within you.
When you sang,
I learned to use my voice for joy
so that I too could sing
and find my own voice.
When you cried,
I learned how to comfort others
without having to say a word,
much as I comforted you then.
When you spoke to me,
I learned the gift of language,
hoping for the day
that I could tell you I loved you.
When you held me,
wrapped your arms around your stomach
to keep me safe as I floated on the river,
I learned that love could be
as beautiful as a hug
or as simple words whispered
in the comfort of night.
Everything great that I am today
I have learned from you.
You’ve given me my gift of courage,
the bravery that runs through me
runs also through you.
I am a warrior because
you’ve shown me how to be one.
My gift with words is from you.
I’ve knitted together whole worlds with them,
first to lose myself and then to find myself
so that I could bring myself home.
Words are magic that runs through us both.
I learned how to love from you,
to choose kindness whenever necessary,
because it was what you showed me
when I couldn’t defend myself.
I learned from my time in the river,
from words you didn’t speak out loud
but that I could hear on the waves
that surrounded me.
I am at Sea – A Poem
I am adrift on the water
and I try to find me
inside my body,
but I’m no longer certain
that the barriers it held
have stayed in place.
My mind is at sea
in the landscape of myself and
I don’t know how
to call it home.
My spirit is eternal.
It ventures forth,
even when my physical and mental
parts of me
are unsure of themselves.
It shines like a beacon
amidst the dark
so that I can find who I am.
I have ventured deep
into the mountains of my mind and
I have found that piece,
that small speck no bigger
than a grain of sand,
that holds the purest form of me.
I have brought it home
to the shell of me so that it can shine.
I hold it in the palm of my hands,
no bigger than a hope or a prayer.
Looking at its brilliance,
I try to breathe that shine in
so that I can see through
the dark of the water
held within.
The Joy in the Darkness – A Poem
I could hear her
before she became visible.
The song she was singing
stretched her voice out before her
so that it was the first thing
about her that I became aware of.
Notes of song rang out into
the cool air and, from where I was,
I could see them dancing with her breath,
as if celebrating being free.
A dog barked and she came into view,
her face bathed in the sun.
The dog walked in front of her
and would look back at her
as she sang, the notes pure and whole.
I was struck by how happy she looked,
as if the light of the sun that shone so brightly
was mirrored from within her.
Her song was part of the light
that she gave to the world.
I stood there watching her as she sang.
It seemed to be a private moment,
a woman with her dog and her voice
singing out in front of her.
I had never heard opera sung so beautifully.
In that moment, I closed my eyes for a second
and let her voice take me
on a journey that was filled with
such emotiosn that I could only
let them flow through me.
In her song, there was a torment of the spirit
but I could hear a hope
that shone as brightly as the sun upon my face.
As I stood there, I reflected
that this was what we were all going through,
trying to find the joy in the darkness.
I opened my eyes to see
that she had stopped walking.
She faced me, this woman with
a song for the heavens.
In that moment, I knew
that she was singing for me.
She stood across the street,
tears sliding from her eyes
yet a brightness on her face
as she sang. She saw me looking
and she bowed her head.
I understood then that this song,
her voice, it was my gift
because I was the only person
who could hear her song.
When she walked onward,
her dog walking joyfully ahead of her
despite the sadness that was contained
in her voice, she left something with me.
Inside of me,
there was a small seed of light.
If I closed my eyes,
I could hear her song within me.
It filled me with a sadness that had no name
and a joy that shone as brightly
as a flame in the dark.
A Gorgeous Balance – A Poem
The forest has changed over time.
It’s been years since
I have been so deep into the trees
and though the leaves still whisper
in the same way that they always did.
They are not tar black like they were before,
but dark green. I stand in the trees
and I wonder how I can find myself here
after so long. I look around at the trees,
remnants of tar and blood they took from me
littering the forest floor. I look into the leaves,
into the depth of the trees,
waiting to hear the creatures that dwelled within.
All I can hear is silence
underneath the sound of my breathing
and the beating of my heart.
I realize that I had never really left it behind,
that the dark forest was always there.
No matter how much I try to outrun it,
or deny its existence,
The dark forest is always within me.
Rather than be frightened by the trees,
I reach out to touch the leaves.
The trees all around me let out a sound
very much like a sigh of longing.
I feel it within me, as if I am accepting
a part of myself that I had shunned
when all it wanted was some kind of affection.
Looking at the forest around me,
I can see blood and shadow,
growth and light,
all held within a gorgeous balance
of air, earth and soil and light.
I expect to hear the sounds of ghosts,
waiting to pull me deeper into the trees,
but all I can hear
are the songs of birds
as they call to me and if I stop to listen,
I can almost make out what they
are trying to say.
Walking forward,
I let my hands reach out on either side
of myself and touch the leaves
and I can feel that touch within myself.
When I get to the border of the forest,
knowing that this will not be goodbye.
I’m okay with that and I’m no longer afraid
of what waits within.
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Jamieson Wolf has written a compelling story about navigating multiple sclerosis and cerebral palsy. His story will touch your heart, make you cry, then laugh, and inspire you. A touching memoir with a bit of magic…and tarot! ~ Theresa Reed, author of The Tarot Coloring Book
Jamieson Wolf 