This poem is for Michael. Thank you for all that you are. 

*

Every action also

creates several possible

reactions, the outcome

of choices that

weren’t made but

still trace a

path against the

stars. Sometimes, it

is as if

I can look

back through the

darkness of my

past and see

what the stars

would have brought

for me if

I had chosen

differently. If, instead

of living the

life I live

now, I had

run instead. When

I first met

you, I was

enraptured, entranced, enthralled;

I was also

terrified. I had

never had anyone

treat me like

you did, with

kindness and compassion,

with understanding and

passion. I did

not know kindness

in my life

from men, had

not known what

it was like

to be completely

accepted and even

cherished by another

man. I wanted

to run so

far away from

you but at

the same time,

there was no

way I could

have. I decided

to face what

frightened me head

on and instead

chose to love

you completely as

you did me.

I was terrified

but my love

for you was

stronger than my

fear. I look

back across the

black sky shining

with stars’ like

diamonds, each star

a mark on

the map that

we have made

together. If I

had run, I

would have missed

every moment that

led up to

the moment when

you first told

me that you

loved me, the

times we have

travelled the world,

the small moments

when I’ve learned

what a real

relationship is like.

I would have

missed the moment

when you asked

me to be

your Husband. I

know that somewhere,

within that map

of stars, there

is another version

of me who

made a different

choice, who ran

instead of staying.

To him, I say

“Look at everything you’ve missed. And everything still to come.”

To you, I say

“I love you.”

Though those words

aren’t ever enough.

I am on a continual journey.

I often feel like I am the Fool

from within my deck of Tarot cards.

I am standing at a precipice

looking around me at the world,

not as I knew it, but as I know it now.

I’ve been on this journey for years’ now

and have met many obstacles.

There have been times when

I wanted so badly to give up,

when the Swords showed their edge

and drew blood. But Swords are two-sided,

so that at other times, they helped me

to rebuild the Tower that had fallen to the ground.

When I started to get better and believe

in my own magic, in what I could create

and the strength of my spirit,

it was the Wands who were my guides,

lighting the fire inside of me

so that it burned bright and strong for all to see.

They urged me to create, to live, to dance.

I did not have to do this journey alone.

My Cups overflowed with people

that I met along the way or that I already knew,

some who would lead me towards my Strength,

like the Empress or the Princess of Pentacles.

Yet there were those who would want me to be

the Hanged Man like the Devil who wanted

to keep me down. Still I ventured onward,

the ground littered with Pentacles that

shone like the Sun brought to land.

Yet it wasn’t riches that I desired

but a rich life. At one point on my journey,

I looked up into the sky and saw

The Star shining so brightly.

It had been there all along, guiding me

towards my future. If I had given in,

I would not have the life I have now.

In a way, Death did come to me,

giving me an ending to something

I could no longer tolerate and

a new beginning to something new,

something wonderful. I stared up at the sky,

the seventy-eight cards fluttering

past my vision, each of them a portal

or a window so that I could look inside of myself,

see every step I had taken, the cards like

stepping stones in the darkness across the sky.

As I watched the Star burned even brighter,

shining down upon me. I knew that my journey

was not over, but I was not alone.

I would continue, for this is my journey

and I will take it one card at a time.