When we were

younger, we spoke

our own language.

It would be

undecipherable to the

casual listener, but

it was our

own tongue, one

that only we

could understand. As

we grew older,

teachers would keep

us apart in

different classrooms, afraid

that we would

cheat on tests

by delving into

the other ones

mind to see

what they saw.

This was a

falsehood, but the

one thing that

has held true

to this day

is that we

feel each others

pain. I could

be miles away

from him and

have no way

of knowing what

he was doing,

but yet would

know with absolute

certainty that he

was in trouble.

This was the

case this week

when my left

eye started hurting

and parts of

me simply throbbed

in agony, yet

looked completely fine.

My head ached

and walking was

more difficult than

usual but I

could find no

cause. When my

mother called, she

told me that:

“Your brother has new symptoms. His eye is swollen and he’s having further complications. It may be new developments in his illness…” 

As she talked,

I felt this

immediate sense of

relief, followed by

a hollowing out

of grief. Relief

because the symptoms

were not my

own, grief over

him, even though

he did not

want it. An

ocean of time

separated him and

I, twenty years

of silence.  Yet,

even though I

no longer knew

who he was

and the life

he led, he

was still my

brother. Even though

the silence was

thick like the

mist over water,

an impenetrable fog,

I still loved

him. That night,

I lit a

candle and said

a short prayer:

“Instead of feeling my pain, feel my love for you. Instead of feeling ill, I hope you feel this.”

I hugged myself

tightly, hoping that

the hug and

the light it

held would be

strong enough to

make it through

the fog and

over the ocean

of time.

I was sitting in the clouds

when I first saw you.

Looking down on the world

that I’d removed myself from,

it was your light that I

saw first, that brilliant light

that shone from you, right

up to the clouds. I was

happily blinded, just for

a moment, your light being

brighter than the sun.

I looked around me and

saw a paradise that had

all of a sudden turned dull.

It was one I had created

but it was empty.

It was not paradise without

you, an empty dream

without you beside me.

I knew I had to find you,

but to do that, I would

have to set foot on

the land I had left so long

ago. I let myself fall

through the clouds,

their gossamer tendrils trying

to slow my fall to the earth.

The clouds let out a

soft whisper, as if already

longing for me. I fell to

the ground to find myself

at the entrance to a forest,

towering trees dark and

looming over me. I knew

that you were on the

other side of the forest

and that I would have

to find my way through.

I took the first step and

then another, wondering how

many steps I would have

to take until I found you.

I took another step forward

and found myself in

amongst the darkness

of shadow and twilight.

The world looked different here

I felt even more lost, even more

confused. I knew that I

just had to keep walking

forward and that I

would find you. I could

see glints of light through

the leaves that I thought (hoped)

was your light. I moved forward.

I did not know that the journey

through the forest would last

for so long. I was still

a lost boy, no longer sure what

I was searching for. I wished

for you in the darkness,

the shadows were my blankets

against the cold. In the dark,

I wished for you. Inside the shadows,

I yearned for you, even though

I wasn’t sure you existed anymore.

I spent years inside the forest,

getting to know every nook and

cranny, every brook and stream,

every bird of prey and every day,

I still wished for you.

I no longer remembered what

you looked like, I could only

picture your light and imagine

its warmth. One day, I finally

gave up hope. I let go of

the wish and watched it fly

away from me, through the leaves

of the trees that were high above me.

I walked on inside the forest,

Shadow and Darkness old friends

by now, their voices like the wind.

I missed the whisper of the clouds.

Still, I walked forward. I could see

a chink of light through the

trunks of the trees, could hear

something moving in front of

me, coming closer. Shadow and

Darkness flew away, afraid of the light.

I stood there, afraid of what

had come looking for me,

terrified of what had found me.

Then, the light grew even brighter

and you were standing in front of me,

a silhouette that shone bright.

I walked towards you.

“You found me.”

I said.

“I’ve been wandering forever, searching for you.”

You regarded me, your features

becoming clearer as my own light

started to shine. You took my hand.

“I’ve been searching for you.”

You said.

“I wasn’t sure you existed, but you are proof that dreams do come true.”

We watched as the trees

began to twist and bend,

giving us a way through.

We walked forward,

no longer lost.

I always say

I love you.

But those words

don’t encompass everything

I feel, every

emotion that runs

through my body

every time you

look at me

or run your

fingers along my

jawline. Simply saying

I love you

doesn’t capture the

emotion that stimulates

my every thought

when I think

of you, so

strong that it

seeps into my

dreams. Just uttering

I love you

doesn’t capture the

fact that you

are the person

I’ve dreamed of

for so long,

but didn’t know

that it was

you that I

was dreaming of,

a dream made

real. Simply whispering

I love you

doesn’t encapsulate everything

you’ve given me

and how you’ve

re-written my life

completely. So I

will simply say

You are the

most beautiful gift

that life has

ever given me

and I will

always cherish you.