Number-one bestselling author
were like photographs
that danced around her
like dreams which
everyone could see.
She held love in one hand
and mercy in the other.
She held tight to sexuality
and emotion,
letting the two
mingle and meld and mix.
She held on to the smoke they created
like a wish waiting
to be born.
She was the beginning
of all life,
the power of nature
and what it could
give back to the world.
She was change and renewal
and the embodiment of passion,
filling the air around her
with joy and reflection.
She was Mother Nature,
creating a new connection
between the visible
and the invisible.
Looking around her,
She saw that each of
these parts of her
were represented by pictures
and only by stepping back
could you look
at the whole of her.
She was the Empress
with her head turned
towards the future.
Dedicated to Dawn who is an Empress. 🙂
The cards wanted to sing to me.
I wanted to open the portal
to the possible,
and what I had to know.
Each card was a window,
into another world.
They showed the possible.
The were keys to
the mystery that was life.
They filled my world with
Fire, Water, Air and Earth
Wands, Cups, Swords and Disks.
I went to them,
and took them from
within silk and wood.
I held them and asked
what I needed to know.
Then I lay them down,
and read what they
had to say to me.
* For Trevour Strudwick for the title of this poem and the teachings behind it.
not willing yet to take him
into my sanctum sanctorum.
He hadn’t earned that right yet.
I didn’t know him,
that was the point of meeting.
I knew things would not
work out in my favour
when he looked at me.
His eyes were cold and
there was no light within.
He gave me an up and down look,
taking me all in
and dismissing me right away.
“You don’t look like your pictures.” He said.
“How can I not?” I said. “They’re pictures of me.”
“Well for one thing, you didn’t have that.”
He made a hand flipping motion
as if he wanted to shoo the cane away.
“You didn’t tell me you walked with one of those.”
“Should that make a difference?”
“Yes. I don’t want to date half a man. What’s going on with that?”
“I told you. I have MS.”
“You said you were on meds. I assumed that meant you were cured.”
I was stunned, shocked, and felt the
chalice breaking into pieces.
It was different this time though.
It wasn’t shattering.
It was preparing for battle.
We walked to the restaurant,
the wind and cold slicing into me,
as if the wind carried knifes.
The chalice inside of me
was also breaking into shards,
long pieces that I could feel in my mouth,
pressing against my tongue and cheeks.
We sat down to dinner and ordered.
I didn’t know why I was here.
He had seemed so nice when
we had spoken before, so kind.
His true self was shining through however.
“So, how long have you had MS?”
“Since January of last year.”
“Must be kind of shitty. Living a half life.”
“I live a full life. I love my life.”
“How can you love your life if you have MS?”
His voice was cold and dismissive.
“That’s not a life, that’s a death sentence.”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
The shards of the chalice had found their way out.
They lodged themselves into his his face.
Though he didn’t know they were there,
I could see them shining brightly,
catching the light like after thoughts.
“It’s made me more grateful for the small things.
It’s made me a better person because everything I do is a victory.
It’s helped me learn a lot about me and I love myself.”
“Good thing you do, no one will love you with that monkey on your back.”
I sat there stunned at his words.
I had struggled all year to find peace.
I would not let one man determine my self love.
“You’re wrong. There’s lots of love in my life.
I love myself, I have family and friends who love me,
who know me. And I love myself. That’s what matters.”
He scoffed. “You love yourself. How quaint.”
I motioned to the waiter.
“Can you wrap my food to go please?”
“You’re not leaving are you. We haven’t even had dinner.”
“I’m going to have dinner. At home.”
“We’re on a date!”
He was outraged that I was daring to leave.
“I’m stronger than you. I’m a better person than you.
I’m a different person and I love who I’ve become.
I don’t need any of your bad vibes messing up
what I’ve worked to hard to gain.”
“And what is that? What can a half man like you have gained?”
I thought about it for a moment
but the answer was there waiting to be spoken.
“I found myself.” I said.
I took my food from the waiter
and turned to look at him.
He looked as if he was covered
in shards of ice.
I flicked my hand and the shards
of the chalice came back to me,
slipping into place so that the chalice
was whole once more.
“Have a nice life. I know I will.”
I walked home, feeling the joy
of my own making filling my body,
keeping me warm against the cold.
I’ve had quite a few emails about Boyfriends, my current work in progress. So I thought I’d post an excerpt! Here’s Chapter One to start your weekend off!
There’s some naughty language (gasp!) but it’s not R or X rated. LOL!
Enjoy!
“So which one of you fuckers is going to pay for this beer?”
Blaine turned and faced them:
Nancy, the delightful one. He was also incredibly feminine. Fruity, if you will. “I can’t,” he said. “I just picked up a new MAC foundation and the new Brittany CD.” Nancy shrugged as if this should be common knowledge. “I’m fresh out.”
Blaine looked at Chuck. He was always out for a good time. Blaine knew he’d have cash on him. But Chuck shook his head. “Sorry man,” he grinned. “But I got me some K.”
“What the hell is K?” Blaine asked.
“It’s the new thing, apparently.” Chuck said. He looked around and quietly took out a little baggie. “Gives you a whole on body buzz.”
“It’s cat tranquilizer.” Mike said.
Blaine gagged. “Cat tranquilizer?” Blaine took a sip of his beer to clear the awful taste in his mouth. “Why do you do that to yourself?” Chuck was always trying out new drugs and never turned down an opportunity to experiment. He also had more money than God and the Pope put together. If you’re going to live the lifestyle of an upper class queen, you gotta have the money.
“Well, it’s alright.” Mike said. “But it makes you feel really groggy afterwards. I tried some with a guy I met down at The Cabin.” The Cabin was a happening scene for the young to the middle aged. It was also rumoured to have one of the best cruising bathrooms in the City.
“We did it right there in the bathroom, fucked me in one toilet stalls.” Mike smiled. “William got so huffy when I told him about it last night.” William was Mike’s partner. They explored what would be termed as an Open Relationship. Or, since neither slept with the other, you could call it a Very Open Relationship.
“You didn’t let him fuck you bareback, did you?” Nancy simpered. “A Lady has to protect oneself, you hear?”
Chuck laughed. “I don’t see no ladies here.”
Nancy admired his nail polish. “Well, speak for yourself, but I am a lady.” Nancy snapped his fingers. “Oh hell yeah.” He turned to face Mike. “So did you? Fuck him beareback?”
“No,” he said, laughing. “He had a condom with him, pulled it out of his pants pocket.”
Blaine laughed. “No one is that prepared.”
“Tell me about it.” Mike said. “I turned to him and asked him ‘Have you done this before?’” He laughed. “Still though, good ride. My ribs hurt a little today.”
Blaine sighed and took another swallow of beer. “Too much information.” He reached for a cigarette off the table and lit it. Inhaled. “You are such a fuckwit.” Blaine sighed again. “So is no one going to help me out here?”
He seemed to be the designated beer wench. Ever single fucking time we go out, he thought. I mean, I really don’t mind. Sometimes you have to pay to have friends. Money makes things easier.
Blaine sighed. Right, keep telling yourself that, he thought. Blaine knew the answer to his question and took out his wallet. “You guys are such fucking assholes, you know that?”
“What’s up with you today anyways?” Mike asked. He ran a finger through his spiked hair to make sure every blonde lock was in place. You must look presentable at all times, after all. “You’ve been all cunty lately.” He reached for one of Blaine’s cigarettes and lit one for himself.
Blaine shrugged. “Just out of it I guess.” I shrugged. “I miss David.”
Nancy sighed. “If I have to listen to another story about how much you miss that nasty man, I’m going to go straight.” He shook a finger at me. “You mind me; I will not suffer through another summer with you talking about how he treats you.” He took a sip of his Mai Tai. “He demeans you,” he said. “There, I’ve said it.”
“Take it easy, Mona.” Chuck said. “Leave the boy alone. He’s just going through a dry spell, is all.”
“Just leave it alone,” Blaine said, turning away. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Maybe you have to.” Nancy said. “It’s been six months.”
“I know how long it’s been.”
“There’s no law against dating is there?” He tried.
Blaine shook my head. “No.”
“Then why are you still alone?” He asked. Nancy was on a role tonight. Once in a while, he latched on to something and never let go until you heard what he said. Some people thought he was a flashy femme queer, but he was more than that. He was intelligent and a brightness was there. Say what you will about him though, the fag knew about fashion.
He reached out and touched my hand. “We just don’t like seeing you so lonely, Blaine.” He Nancy told his friend. “You’re gorgeous; you just have to get back into the game, put yourself back on the market.”
“Maybe I want more than that.” Blaine said. “I’ve seen what’s on the market.”
Nancy shook his head. “Well, honey? What else is there? It’s all about wham bam thank you Stan. Tenderness doesn’t exist.”
Chuck snorted. “Says the man who believes in True Love.” The way he said it, we knew the quotation marks were in place. You could almost see them in the air. “I’ll believe it when I see it.”
“True Love exists.” Nancy said. “You can’t un-prove that. You can prove that there is too much hardness in this City.” He took another sip of his Mai Tai and reached for a cigarette. “It’s a fact of life.”
Blaine shrugged. “Well maybe I want something more than that.” He whispered. He didn’t think that Nancy had heard him speak, but he did.
“Oh, honey?” Nancy smiled. “You want love don’t you?” He took a drag of his cigarette. “Well, then let me tell you something.” He pointed a finger at Blaine who blinked in surprise at its fierceness. “True Love can’t be found.”
Nancy stubbed out his cigarette. “It finds you.”
Blaine shrugged and took out his wallet to pay for the beer.