Jamieson Wolf
Number-one bestselling author
A Side of Chalice with Dinner – A Poem
I met him out front,
not willing yet to take him
into my sanctum sanctorum.
He hadn’t earned that right yet.
I didn’t know him,
that was the point of meeting.
I knew things would not
work out in my favour
when he looked at me.
His eyes were cold and
there was no light within.
He gave me an up and down look,
taking me all in
and dismissing me right away.
“You don’t look like your pictures.” He said.
“How can I not?” I said. “They’re pictures of me.”
“Well for one thing, you didn’t have that.”
He made a hand flipping motion
as if he wanted to shoo the cane away.
“You didn’t tell me you walked with one of those.”
“Should that make a difference?”
“Yes. I don’t want to date half a man. What’s going on with that?”
“I told you. I have MS.”
“You said you were on meds. I assumed that meant you were cured.”
I was stunned, shocked, and felt the
chalice breaking into pieces.
It was different this time though.
It wasn’t shattering.
It was preparing for battle.
We walked to the restaurant,
the wind and cold slicing into me,
as if the wind carried knifes.
The chalice inside of me
was also breaking into shards,
long pieces that I could feel in my mouth,
pressing against my tongue and cheeks.
We sat down to dinner and ordered.
I didn’t know why I was here.
He had seemed so nice when
we had spoken before, so kind.
His true self was shining through however.
“So, how long have you had MS?”
“Since January of last year.”
“Must be kind of shitty. Living a half life.”
“I live a full life. I love my life.”
“How can you love your life if you have MS?”
His voice was cold and dismissive.
“That’s not a life, that’s a death sentence.”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
The shards of the chalice had found their way out.
They lodged themselves into his his face.
Though he didn’t know they were there,
I could see them shining brightly,
catching the light like after thoughts.
“It’s made me more grateful for the small things.
It’s made me a better person because everything I do is a victory.
It’s helped me learn a lot about me and I love myself.”
“Good thing you do, no one will love you with that monkey on your back.”
I sat there stunned at his words.
I had struggled all year to find peace.
I would not let one man determine my self love.
“You’re wrong. There’s lots of love in my life.
I love myself, I have family and friends who love me,
who know me. And I love myself. That’s what matters.”
He scoffed. “You love yourself. How quaint.”
I motioned to the waiter.
“Can you wrap my food to go please?”
“You’re not leaving are you. We haven’t even had dinner.”
“I’m going to have dinner. At home.”
“We’re on a date!”
He was outraged that I was daring to leave.
“I’m stronger than you. I’m a better person than you.
I’m a different person and I love who I’ve become.
I don’t need any of your bad vibes messing up
what I’ve worked to hard to gain.”
“And what is that? What can a half man like you have gained?”
I thought about it for a moment
but the answer was there waiting to be spoken.
“I found myself.” I said.
I took my food from the waiter
and turned to look at him.
He looked as if he was covered
in shards of ice.
I flicked my hand and the shards
of the chalice came back to me,
slipping into place so that the chalice
was whole once more.
“Have a nice life. I know I will.”
I walked home, feeling the joy
of my own making filling my body,
keeping me warm against the cold.
An Excerpt from Boyfriends
I’ve had quite a few emails about Boyfriends, my current work in progress. So I thought I’d post an excerpt! Here’s Chapter One to start your weekend off!
There’s some naughty language (gasp!) but it’s not R or X rated. LOL!
Enjoy!
“So which one of you fuckers is going to pay for this beer?”
Blaine turned and faced them:
Nancy, the delightful one. He was also incredibly feminine. Fruity, if you will. “I can’t,” he said. “I just picked up a new MAC foundation and the new Brittany CD.” Nancy shrugged as if this should be common knowledge. “I’m fresh out.”
Blaine looked at Chuck. He was always out for a good time. Blaine knew he’d have cash on him. But Chuck shook his head. “Sorry man,” he grinned. “But I got me some K.”
“What the hell is K?” Blaine asked.
“It’s the new thing, apparently.” Chuck said. He looked around and quietly took out a little baggie. “Gives you a whole on body buzz.”
“It’s cat tranquilizer.” Mike said.
Blaine gagged. “Cat tranquilizer?” Blaine took a sip of his beer to clear the awful taste in his mouth. “Why do you do that to yourself?” Chuck was always trying out new drugs and never turned down an opportunity to experiment. He also had more money than God and the Pope put together. If you’re going to live the lifestyle of an upper class queen, you gotta have the money.
“Well, it’s alright.” Mike said. “But it makes you feel really groggy afterwards. I tried some with a guy I met down at The Cabin.” The Cabin was a happening scene for the young to the middle aged. It was also rumoured to have one of the best cruising bathrooms in the City.
“We did it right there in the bathroom, fucked me in one toilet stalls.” Mike smiled. “William got so huffy when I told him about it last night.” William was Mike’s partner. They explored what would be termed as an Open Relationship. Or, since neither slept with the other, you could call it a Very Open Relationship.
“You didn’t let him fuck you bareback, did you?” Nancy simpered. “A Lady has to protect oneself, you hear?”
Chuck laughed. “I don’t see no ladies here.”
Nancy admired his nail polish. “Well, speak for yourself, but I am a lady.” Nancy snapped his fingers. “Oh hell yeah.” He turned to face Mike. “So did you? Fuck him beareback?”
“No,” he said, laughing. “He had a condom with him, pulled it out of his pants pocket.”
Blaine laughed. “No one is that prepared.”
“Tell me about it.” Mike said. “I turned to him and asked him ‘Have you done this before?’” He laughed. “Still though, good ride. My ribs hurt a little today.”
Blaine sighed and took another swallow of beer. “Too much information.” He reached for a cigarette off the table and lit it. Inhaled. “You are such a fuckwit.” Blaine sighed again. “So is no one going to help me out here?”
He seemed to be the designated beer wench. Ever single fucking time we go out, he thought. I mean, I really don’t mind. Sometimes you have to pay to have friends. Money makes things easier.
Blaine sighed. Right, keep telling yourself that, he thought. Blaine knew the answer to his question and took out his wallet. “You guys are such fucking assholes, you know that?”
“What’s up with you today anyways?” Mike asked. He ran a finger through his spiked hair to make sure every blonde lock was in place. You must look presentable at all times, after all. “You’ve been all cunty lately.” He reached for one of Blaine’s cigarettes and lit one for himself.
Blaine shrugged. “Just out of it I guess.” I shrugged. “I miss David.”
Nancy sighed. “If I have to listen to another story about how much you miss that nasty man, I’m going to go straight.” He shook a finger at me. “You mind me; I will not suffer through another summer with you talking about how he treats you.” He took a sip of his Mai Tai. “He demeans you,” he said. “There, I’ve said it.”
“Take it easy, Mona.” Chuck said. “Leave the boy alone. He’s just going through a dry spell, is all.”
“Just leave it alone,” Blaine said, turning away. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Maybe you have to.” Nancy said. “It’s been six months.”
“I know how long it’s been.”
“There’s no law against dating is there?” He tried.
Blaine shook my head. “No.”
“Then why are you still alone?” He asked. Nancy was on a role tonight. Once in a while, he latched on to something and never let go until you heard what he said. Some people thought he was a flashy femme queer, but he was more than that. He was intelligent and a brightness was there. Say what you will about him though, the fag knew about fashion.
He reached out and touched my hand. “We just don’t like seeing you so lonely, Blaine.” He Nancy told his friend. “You’re gorgeous; you just have to get back into the game, put yourself back on the market.”
“Maybe I want more than that.” Blaine said. “I’ve seen what’s on the market.”
Nancy shook his head. “Well, honey? What else is there? It’s all about wham bam thank you Stan. Tenderness doesn’t exist.”
Chuck snorted. “Says the man who believes in True Love.” The way he said it, we knew the quotation marks were in place. You could almost see them in the air. “I’ll believe it when I see it.”
“True Love exists.” Nancy said. “You can’t un-prove that. You can prove that there is too much hardness in this City.” He took another sip of his Mai Tai and reached for a cigarette. “It’s a fact of life.”
Blaine shrugged. “Well maybe I want something more than that.” He whispered. He didn’t think that Nancy had heard him speak, but he did.
“Oh, honey?” Nancy smiled. “You want love don’t you?” He took a drag of his cigarette. “Well, then let me tell you something.” He pointed a finger at Blaine who blinked in surprise at its fierceness. “True Love can’t be found.”
Nancy stubbed out his cigarette. “It finds you.”
Blaine shrugged and took out his wallet to pay for the beer.
The Best Books of 2013
I’m a little late in posting this, so forgive me. Every year, I choose my 10 favourite books from the year. I read way more than ten books of course, but to be considered on the list, the book has to be published within the year. I’ve read near one hundred books this year but these were the ones that stood out as the cream of the cop of the year.
Where an author had more than one book published in the year, I put them all on the list. Choosing one book from what the author put out was near impossible, so they all get included. Where I’ve reviewed the book, I’ve included a link to that review.
Reading brings me such joy, but these are the books I’ve read more than once this year. The Drowning of Arthur Braxton? Read it once in eBook and twice in paperback. Joyland? Read it four times. Cupcakes and Christmas at Carrington’s? Read them four times a piece. Picture Me Gone and This Wicked Game? Twice apiece.
These are the books I went back to again and again this year because of how good they were, the joy they brought me. So read them read them read them, for they are awesome.
You’ll notice there are fourteen books This time around. Hey, it just seemed right. I wanted to welcome in 2014!
The Best Books of 2013
- Doctor Sleep by Stephen King
- Joyland by Stephen King
- Beyond His Years by Darren Craske
- Night Film by Marisha Pressel
Boyfriends – What’s love got to do with anything?
I thought I’d take a moment to tell you all about my current work in progress. It’s a novel called Boyfriends and I’m having the greatest time writing it.
Here’s what it’s all about:
What does it take to find love in the gay community?
In a world filled with one-night stands, glory hole blowjobs and weeklong romances, what does it take to find love? This is just what our protagonist Blaine worries about. Unlike his friends, he wants to settle down.
Chuck is just looking for Mr. Right Now. A self proclaimed jock, he is always on the lookout for a good time. But what happens when a good time becomes a very good time? Does he run away from his feelings? Or admit them to himself?
Mike and William are having problems. Marital problems. Though they don’t sleep together, they do like to sleep with others and share their stories. They had wanted a no strings attached marriage. But they did not count on actually falling in love. With each other!
Nancy is just looking for love. True and honest love. Though a little bit eccentric, he is nonetheless good to go when he catches a bartender’s eye. But is Devon what he seems? Or does a secret lurk there?
Poppy is a little distraught. A self-proclaimed man hating lipstick lesbian, she’s beginning to have doubts about her sexuality. It may have something to do with the baby in her stomach. Her loverRiverMoonFalls will be pissed if she finds out!
She does the only thing she can do: turns to her best friend Blaine for help. Despairing that he will ever meet Mr. Right, Blaine is surprised to find him in Justin, the father of Poppy’s unborn child….
When all of these people come together, love is sure to show up somewhere…
We hope.
Boyfriends…what’s love got to do with anything?
I’m trying to write something completely different from what I’ve done. It focuses on dialogue and I’m having a great time getting to know the characters. I tried plotting out the novel, but the characters have their own ideas. So I’m just going with it and having a blast.
I tend to mention my current WIP a lot when writing it on Facebook and Twitter and the like. So I asked author and artist extraordinaire Darren Craske to come up with a cover for me as I was completely stuck!
He came up with the above image and it’s totally awesome. It’s absolutely perfect and I couldn’t have asked for a better cover. It captures the novel perfectly. Despite the turmoil of the characters, their healing and learning to love again.
I am keeping this one for myself, but might blog it eventually. I just want to play a little bit more!
Dear 2013
2013 is almost over.
Every year, I write a letter to the year that’s passed. I’ve been thinking of what to write for this years letter for a few weeks now. In the end, I’ve decided just to write what comes out and go from there.
This year has not been an easy one for me. When the Multiple Sclerosis hit on December 31st of 2012, it was as if someone had flicked a switch. There was a clear line drawn between life as it was and life as it is now.
January as a difficult month for me. I spent almost a month pretty much bed ridden. I was deaf in one ear and the left half of my face was frozen. I had to learn to walk again with the aid of a cane. It was a slow process, but I did it. I fought and won the battle but not the war.
Things continued to worsen. In March, my Wonder Mum took me to the emergency room when I lost the ability to speak and type. I went through a battery of tests (Cat scan, MRI, Lumbar Puncture, blood work, vision tests, etc.). In April, I finally had a name for what was wrong with me: Multiple Sclerosis.
I would have to wait until August 21st (the day before my birthday) to find out what kind I had (relapse and remitting) and what kind of medication I would be able to take (Copaxone, a daily injection). It was like getting to know myself all over again. I really didn’t know who I was anymore.
Rediscovering myself has been quite the process. I had to learn to walk again, talk again, type again. I had to learn to eat full meals and do things for myself again. As I fought, as I battled my body, I thought briefly if giving in, of just letting go. However, that’s not how I was raised. My Wonder Mum taught me to rise to each challenge that was presented to me, and I did and will.
Each day brings new challenges, new things I am relearning how to do. Things that I did without thinking before take a lot more energy and focus. Every time I step out into the world, it is as if I am a turtle sticking his head out into the sunshine. I just have to make sure that I keep sticking my head out and not hide in the dark, no matter how safe it feels. Life is meant to be lived, pure and simple.
2013 has been a year of ups and downs. In March, I had to put my beautiful cat Mave down. She was with me for seventeen years and in cat years, that’s darn old. I still miss her every day. Tula, the kitten I got in April of this year, helps though. Even if she does drive me crazy.
My apartment was broken into, my writing stolen and my laptop gone. In the end, I had to let it go and start again. That seems to be the theme for this year, starting over. Much as I learned to do everything all over again, I would beat this, too.
It’s also been the year that my writing has changed. I had twenty-three books come out in 2012. I had three come out this year and they were already in the pipeline. That’s mostly because from January to April, I really couldn’t write. Eventually I went back to the keyboard though. I wrote The Other Side of Oz and then moved on to 69B. Now I’m working on Boyfriends. I stopped writing romance novels. It hurt to let the genre go and I may go back to it eventually, but the truth is that I haven’t felt very romantic this year. However, the words still keep coming and that’s a gift in itself.
I entered 2013 as one person and an leaving it behind as a different me. I think it’s a better me. I take more joy in the simple things, the little things. I am not who I was, taking everything for granted. Now I celebrate everything I can do because it’s a small victory; and the small victories make one huge one right?
So while 2013 hasn’t been the best year (in fact most of it has been trial and tribulation), it’s been the year that I’ve learned the most about myself. I learned what I was capable of, that I will never give in, never surrender. That life is meant to be lived, regardless of the constraints and limits that my body puts upon it.
I won the battle and am on my way to winning the war. I am thankful for every day, for everything that happens, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. There is so much life left to live and in 2014, I am making the choice and the promise to myself to embrace life and to live as much as I can.
So bring it on 2014. I’m ready.
Hugs and cheer to you and yours,
Jamieson
Buy Little Yellow Magnet from Amazon and Kobo!
Jamieson Wolf has written a compelling story about navigating multiple sclerosis and cerebral palsy. His story will touch your heart, make you cry, then laugh, and inspire you. A touching memoir with a bit of magic…and tarot! ~ Theresa Reed, author of The Tarot Coloring Book
Jamieson Wolf 