i know, but… – a poem

i feel this endless need

to say that I’m sorry.

i know it’s not my fault,

that the storm that rages

within my skin

is not of my doing,

but i want to make everything better,

want to somehow

take away the pain

that it’s causing everyone

and the endless inconveniences

of being sick.

my mind knows

that none of this is my fault

but I want to make everything

better, easier, more manageable.

i know that i have no control over this,

but I carry this guilt with me,

this anger at what the storm

has caused me to sacrifice,

the endless hours of darkness,

wandering around in a body

that i no longer understand,

having to find a new way

over and through the mountains

that are my life.

And yet,

it is because of those mountains

that i have truly seen the world

and what it has to offer me,

the land spreading far and wide

all around me.

i know that the mountain

and the storm that live inside me

are almost insurmountable,

but i will keep climbing,

letting the water wash over me

until I reach the top.

Deck the Halls – A Holiday Book Launch!

You’re all cordially invited to a party!

My publisher Renaissance Press is throwing a holiday book launch and you don’t need to leave the comfort of your own home! How awesome is that?

There will be readings, heartwarming tales of yuletides past, prizes to be won and ugly sweaters! How cool is that?

Each of the authors will be reading from their new books! They are a fantastic collection of stories waiting to be read!

Samantha’s Sandwich Stand by Sonia Saikaley and illustrated by Nathan Caro Frechette (children’s picture book)

Coffee Shop Between The ‘Verses by Éric Desmarais (YA)

Beyond the Stone by Jamieson Wolf (queer paranormal romance)

Dissatisfied Me: A Love Story by Bruce D. Gordon (humour)

Artificial Divide, edited by Robert Kingett and Randy Lacey

Shifting Trust by Madona Skaff-Koren

More info can be found here:

https://www.facebook.com/events/1343323029455596

I’ll be reading from my new novel Beyond the Stone. I hope you can all make it! It’s free and will be tons of fun.

Make sure to register and wear your ugly sweater! It will be tons of holiday fun.

Captain Maven and the Shadow Man – COMING SOON!

I live with Cerebral Palsy and Multiple Sclerosis.

After my last MRI a few months ago, they found new lesions in my brain caused by the Multiple Sclerosis. I was put on a new drug called Mavenclad. Its purpose is to wipe away the immune system so that when it rebuilds itself, it will hopefully do so without the lesions. It’s a chemo drug normally used to treat leukemia.

When the medication arrived, it had a red sticker on it with a big white cross. I’d never received something with a medical symbol of any kind on it, but for some reason it stuck with me, that big white cross. I’m not sure how the subject came up, but when I was talking to my Wonder Mom one day during the treatment, she mentioned the fact that I was like a superhero and maybe the Mavenclad was going to ramp up my powers.

“I would totally need a cape,” I told her.

“Yes, a red cape with a white cross.” She said.

“No, not red and white. I would need a purple cape with a sparkly silver cross. That would be more my style.”

“Yes, you could be Captain Mavenclad!”

“Hmmm, what about Captain Maven?” I was thinking of the way I tried to remember the medication name: I’m a maven clad in raven’s clothes.

“That does have a nice ring to it.”

Now I couldn’t get the image of Captain Maven out of my head. I asked the very talented CaitGordon if she could draw me a Captain Maven drawing. She did so, giving him a cup of power (I had to drink a lot of water when I took the Mavenclad) and a sceptre of light (I sometimes walk with a cane, and I like to sparkle). To say that I loved it is putting it mildly. It put the whole chemo med thing into something that I could draw light from, something that brought me joy. I love that drawing so very much.

Then it occurred to me, if my Mavenclad medication could be a superhero, what about all the other medications that I take? I ended up settling on Finley (Baclofin), Tara Dawn (Trazodone), Sandoz (Sandoz Solifenacin), Dez (Apo-Desmopressin), Tianado (Apo-Tizandadine) and Carley Bravo (CBD oil). They would be a group of superheroes that would do battle against Cracklepuss (Cerebral Palsy) and Max Shadow (Multiple Sclerosis), protecting the streets of Ottawa and keeping the people safe.

I normally write a story for Christmas every year and give it away for free. I thought it would be neat to write a story with this group of supers and set it during the holidays. It never occurred to me that I would write a full novella as I normally just write a short story to give away. I’m already thinking of other stories that could happen with the other characters.

I can’t tell you what joy this story has brought to me and how much fun it was to create a world of superheroes that are really just like ordinary people…with a bit of something extra. I do hope that you enjoyed this tale as much as I enjoyed writing it.

It comes out later this month, just in time for the Holidays! Stay tuned!

what is possible? – a poem

as the sea threatens

to take me away again,

my first thought is

“i didn’t ask for this.”

as the waters grow deeper,

i have to remember

that none of this is my fault,

that the disease

which ravages my

internal world is not

something i asked for,

nor is it something that

i can control.

much like the waters

which threaten to overtake me,

there is no way

i will know the path

that my disease,

the shadowy spectre

of multiple sclerosis,

takes me on.

all i can do

is take each step

one at a time

so that I can scale

each mountain that

blocks my path

and keep my head

above the waters

that threaten to

swallow me completely.

as I walk along

each mountain, each cliff edge,

i let go of the sea

within myself

so that it cascades

down the rockface

like a waterfall,

stretching its fingers

behind me, even as I

walk forwards

towards what

is possible.

what other things? – a poem

carry that tarnished

piece of metal,

the penny which

contained a wish.

a piece of paper

with the words “…love is…”

written upon it,

kept like a spell

hidden inside a book.

the book itself,

a talisman against

the mundane,

its stories read so many times

that pages are beginning

to fall away from its spine.

magic can be so simple,

a mere thought

or significance given

to ordinary objects,

yet they shine

because we think they do,

proof that humans

are capable of

everyday magics and

acts of the extra ordinary.

What other things

shine like stars in your pockets?