Number-one bestselling author
You are my wish come true.
Every day I spend with you
is like having my wish granted
all over again.
I wished so long for you
that my heart forgot the wish,
unable to hold on to it any longer
as it went unanswered.
When I met you
my heart rejoiced,
knowing that you were my wish,
that it had finally come true.
When you proposed to me,
the world stood still for a moment,
a bubble in time that shone,
the air filled with music
that had no sound.
Only our hearts could hear that song
and sing it back to each other.
In that moment,
I was filled with light
because of your love for me.
When I said yes,
and we shared a kiss,
that light exploded within me.
Looking back,
it’s hard to believe
that so much time has passed.
Every moment has
been filled with light
and a song that we can hear,
only when we look into
each others eyes.
I have been trying
to find where it all began;
that seed of shadows,
filled with all of the hatred
for myself that I carry.
When I do go within my mind,
I can see only the knots and tangles,
thorns and brambles.
There is a large forest and
I can see the dark glow of the seed
that was planted inside my mind.
I have been trying to get to it,
to find my way through the thorns.
This has left me no nearer and no closer.
I have been trying for years
to get to the centre
so that I could hold the seed
and find out where it all began.
Standing there on the outside looking in,
that dark star glittering like an eye,
I’ve come to realize
it doesn’t matter how it started,
all that does matter is how I continue.
As I take hold of my sword and hold it high,
the thorn bushes start to tremble.
I look at them shake and writhe in front of me
and I have one moment of indecision,
one millisecond to wonder if I am doing the right thing,
and the branches see that moment and strike.
A bright slash of skin has opened on my arm.
When I look at it,
a quiet storm runs through me.
I know what I have to do.
The sword slashes,
great masses of branches beginning to fall away.
With every cut and every swipe of the sword,
more blood appears on my face and arms
and after a while,
the forest floor is filled with it.
Looking around me,
there are thousands of branches
however, when I look up,
it’s to discover that I’m nowhere closer to the seed,
the place of my self judgement and self hate.
Exhausted, I put my sword away
and back away from the wall of vines, thorns and brambles.
When I do it is to discover that there is a garden.
It stretches on for miles and is full of flora and fauna,
bright flowers that I have never seen,
exotic blooms that are a treat to the nose and the eyes.
Looking at its size,
I know that it has been growing as long
as the wall that protects my dark seed,
perhaps even longer.
When I walk away from the wall and into the garden,
I marvel at its existence.
Having been so focused on the wall of thorns,
I was oblivious to the beauty that was within me.
As I walk down this new pathway,
finding out where the dark seed began no longer matters.
What does matter is walking on this new path,
wherever it will take me.
Like many people, I’ve been waiting patiently.
This virus has taken over our lives and I personally view the vaccine as a step towards taking back some control. I know it’s not a cure all and we’ll still have to wear masks for a time until herd immunity is achieved, but I would feel safer.
I’ve been watching the vaccine roll out with anticipation. I knew that as a person living with relapse and remitting Multiple Sclerosis and Cerebral Palsy that I would be eligible in phase two. I’ve been watching for new about when phase two would begin.
This morning I was thrilled when “people with highest health risk conditions and their caregivers” was added to the dropdown menu! I clicked start and then…got nowhere fast. It said that I would be contacted by my local health practitioner or doctor; the only problem is that I don’t have one.
Again, like many people, I’ve been waiting a long time to find a family doctor. I contacted my neurologist who told me that the MS Clinic does not deal with vaccinations and that the website gives out misinformation.
I called the toll-free number anyways hoping that I would be able to speak to someone. After waiting for over an hour, I spoke to someone who said that she couldn’t help me and that they were only booking for people over 55 at this time. I told her that phase two had just opened but she was unable to help me.
She did give me the number for Ontario Public Health. The woman I spoke to there listened to what I had been through so far and put me on hold for a moment while she spoke to her supervisor. When she came back, she apologized and said that I should never have been referred to them but what she had found out was that phase two would be rolling out in stages.
She apologized that the website wasn’t clear and that there is no real information given in terms of phase two. She said to keep checking back for the next two weeks to see when the update on the information for the phase two roll out was posted.
As someone who lives with MS, I know that the worst thing for me is stress. It sets off my symptoms and makes it difficult for me to function. I’ve spent an entire day stressed out while trying to work at home at the same time. After today, I don’t feel like I’m being seen.
Until they figure out what they need to do, I’ll just focus on sparkling on and focus on the positive. I have my husband, my family, my friends. My life is full of things to be grateful for. I will focus on that for now until I can get my vaccine.
All I can do is take things one day at a time.
I was once called broken.
I pictured my skin full of cracks,
parts of me falling out of my body.
I felt like I had been ripped apart
until I realized that broken
was a word that belonged
to the person who spoke it.
Once I realized this,
I was able to mend the cracks
that covered my skin.
I was once called cripple.
I was mocked every day
over how I walked and moved.
I was made to feel like the elephant man,
a freak in my own body
that I could not control
until I realized that I was not crippled,
that my body was capable of
acts of the greatest strength.
I was not the elephant man
but the mighty lion.
I was once called faggot,
being raised to hate what I was,
and the secret that I carried within myself.
I would look at myself,
seeing only something to be loathed.
For a time, I cut myself with my words,
hoping to bleed the gayness out of me
until I realized that I didn’t fear myself,
it was someone else’s fear that I was manifesting.
The fear left me when I began to love myself.
These three words,
broken, cripple and faggot,
haunted me for a time,
running around in my head like a mantra,
but as I saw these words for what they were,
I could let the fear and the hate go.
As the fear fled from me,
new words began to take shape
within my mind, body and spirit:
shine, strong, love.
These words have become my new mantra,
they are the song that I sing
to bring me back home
to myself.