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He got on
the bus wearing
a smile. I
called out to him.
“Morning!”
He gave me
a vague wave
but his smile
widened. I had
heard him mumble
a few words,
a few syllables,
to himself. Sometimes,
when he did
speak, it was
stilted, as if
the words were
weighed down by
memory and he
was unable to
pull them out.
I knew that
he was mentally
disabled but I
didn’t know what
kind. It didn’t
matter. I always
saw people looking
when he mumbled,
when he shuffled
to find his
seat, when he
made noises at
the back of
his throat. People
would stare at
me when I
spoke to him,
as if apologizing
for the fact
that he was
speaking to me.
He sat in
the seat behind
me. We rode
this way for
a minute or two,
me in my
seat, he in
his, until he
said to me:
“Do you ever wonder what makes the clouds glow so brightly?”
I turned to
face him. He
was staring out
the window at
the early morning
sunrise with childlike
wonder. I shrugged.
“I don’t know. I think the sun has something to do with that.”
He touched the
window, drew a
finger along the
glass as if
he were able
to touch the sun.
“The clouds always look happiest when they’re orange. I like red clouds fine, but they look happiest when they’re orange and the air outside is crisp.”
He took a
deep breath as
if he could
smell the air
outside instead of
the stale air
inside a bus.
“Or when the clouds are yellow. They look so happy, so full of joy. I want to be happy like that, bright like the clouds.
He took a
deep breath as
if he would
never get his wish.
“I remember when my mother used to take me out to play as a child. The sky was always pink when I was with her. I don’t like purple though.”
I had been
mesmerised by his
voice. It was
the most I
had ever heard
him speak.
“Why don’t you like the colour purple?”
He looked away
from the window
and right at
me. I saw
right into his
eyes, they were
a deep and
gorgeous blue, so
clear that it
seemed he could
see into me.
“The clouds were purple on the morning my mother died.”
I’m shocked by
his words and
there doesn’t seem
to be anything
I can say.
I try anyways.
“I’m sorry.”
I mutter lamely.
“Don’t be sorry. Whenever I see pink clouds, its my mother saying hello.”
The silence is
broken only by
the sounds of
the bus and
other passengers. I
think he’s fallen
silent when he
speaks once more.
“It’s my mother saying hello.”
My life is filled
with needles and pills.
I take an injection
every day and pills
three times a day.
At first, the act of
injecting myself each day
was a hindrance, the pills
a liability. I felt they
were a sign of weakness,
an indication that
I was somehow lesser
than everyone else.
A sign of my weakness.
The very act of having
to rely on a needle
was a daily moment of fear.
As time has passed, however,
I’ve grown. As I’ve grown,
how I view myself has
changed, a little at a time,
until the needles and the pills
just became normal,
a part of my daily routine.
Instead of something to fear,
the pills and injections
have become part of
the everyday. Now, whenever I
take my pills, I imagine
them filling me up
with light and everything good,
until I’m so full of light
that it can’t help but shine outwards.
Now, when I take my injection,
I imagine that each needle
is another piece of armor
being placed inside my body,
protecting me from the illness
that resides inside of me.
Each injection is another
piece of armour, another
link in the chainmail
that is keeping me whole,
from the inside out.
As a child, I used to dream
of magic made real,
of distant lands where magic
held sway, where it was a
real, vibrant thing that
coloured the sky and shone
from the eyes of everyone.
As I grew older, that dream faded,
replaced by the words and actions
of others, those so rooted in
the mundane that they pulled
me down into it and the world
no longer shone brightly.
As I grew older still,
magic could be found only
inside books because they
would never hurt me
of judge me, never mock my
dreams of flying on the back
of a dragon, or riding across
hills in distant lands that
I yearned so much to visit.
Now, I am living that dream
because of you. We have travelled
to far away worlds on the wings
of large metal birds, we have seen
strange creatures that defy description.
You have helped me to believe
in time travel; we have been together
for over two years, and yet
it feels like I met you only yesterday.
We have celebrated and created memories,
each more magical than the last.
You have given me so much.
My life is brighter
because of you and the love
that you have given me.
I believe in magic and wonder
once more and know that you
are magic made real.
She got on
to the elevator.
When she saw
me, her smile
brightened and her
whole body shone.
“Hi!”
She said, excitedly.
“How are you? I haven’t seen you in forever!”
I looked through
my memory, the
albums of memories
that are there.
I flipped through
the place I
thought she should
be, but the
page was blank,
with nothing on it
except the words
MEMORY MISSING
written in bold
red type. I
closed the album
within my head
and looked at
her, hoping that
my smile was
convincing enough. I
offered her pleasantries
and asked if
she had vacation
planned. I didn’t
ask anything personal
because I could
remember nothing about
her, not her
name, not where
I knew her
from, not even
how long I
knew her. Inside
my head, I
opened the memory
book and placed
a photo of
her, so that
it would be
there next time.
When the disease
hit, it left
me with a
battle to fight
within my own
body. It also
took something from
me. My memories.
I used to
be able to
quote from movies
on queue, remember
the plot and
title of every
book I’ve ever
read, every place
I’ve been to,
songs I used
to know by
heart. Now, all
those memory books
are filled with
blank pages, blank
faces, empty places.
After the heaviness
left me, and
I took up
the fight, my
focus was on
getting better. As
I started that
battle, I started
to realise how
quiet it was
inside my head.
I took a
look inside myself
at the boxes
filled with memory
books, pictures and
pieces of paper,
memories preserved for
later reference. I
was shocked to
find an almost
empty room instead
of a warehouse
filled to the
brim. Now there
was only one
room filled with
a handful of
boxes. As I
started to go
through the boxes,
I kept seeing
MEMORY MISSING
where a memory
once resided, its
page left with
a vague outline
of whatever had
been there before,
a shadow of
what it use
to be. At
first, this worried
me and I kept
thinking that my
boxes would never
be full again.
I lamented that
which I had
forgotten. Eventually, I
realized that, in
a way, it
was a blessing,
that everything that
had been forgotten
could be filled
with a new memory,
and that everything
I had forgotten
could be new
all over again.
I realized that
new albums could
be made and
that life didn’t
have to be
spent lamenting what
I had forgotten.
That the past
was the past
and all I
had to do
was focus on
the future. I
turned to the
woman in the
elevator and asked
“I’m sorry, but could you tell me your name again?”