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Posted on March 23, 2014 by Jamieson Wolf
“You don’t understand what you’re asking for.”
James snorted. “I paid you didn’t I? Gave you money in exchange for a Symbol. I want what I paid for.”
The wise man walked towards him. The wooden floors of his shop creaked under each footstep. A wind blew through the room even though no windows were open. A set of wind chimes let out their chorus. James shivered.
“I assumed that when you came to me, it was for a talisman or spell to bring you money, fame, love. The typical stuff. It’s what every man wishes for.”
Pulling himself up to his full height, James stared at the wise man with eyes that flashed with warning. “I’m not like every other man.”
“Clearly.” The wise man reached out and ran his fingers through a bowl filled with stones that was on the counter. He let them fall back into the bowl, giving James a searching look.
James was uncomfortable inside the wise man’s store. The shelves were filled with all kinds of books, hundreds of them. Interspersed amongst them, there were statues he could put no name to, small pyramids, jewels and other stones and boxes of incense. There was an energy within the store that made James uncertain; he wondered what he was missing.
The wise man had short, spiky black hair with the ends tipped in white. He also had eyes of an unknown colour that unnerved James: in some lights they were green, in others they were blue or grey flecked with black.
Letting the stones fall back into the bowl, the wise man cleared the remaining distance between them. “Do you understand anything about Symbols and symbology?”
James shook his head. “No.”
“I didn’t think so. Symbols have the power to heal, the power to bring power, money, love. You have to give them meaning.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“It means they are powered by intent, your intent. They can’t do anything if you don’t know what you want.”
“Look man, all I want to know is how to fix things. A Symbol gives you power, right? So give that power to me.”
“You have work to do.” The wise man looked at him with eyes that saw all. “If you want to fix things in the past, you have to fix things in the present. The past has already been lived, you can’t do anything about it. It’s a story that has already been told.”
“So what the fuck do I do? I’m desperate here.”
“I know. I can see it coming off of you in waves. You have to start a new chapter in your story. Only you can decide how it will go.”
“Then help me with that. Give me a Symbol for that. Please. They told me that you could help me. Please.” Later, James wondered if it was the second please that convinced the wise man to help him. He gave James another searching look as if the wise man could see his soul.
The wise man nodded. “I will help you, but you may not like the results. It may not be what you’re expecting.”
He went back to the counter and opened a drawer that James hadn’t noticed before. From it, the wise man withdrew a leather bound book, a fountain pen and a bottle of black ink. He opened the book and set it on the wooden surface.
“What are you doing?”
“You asked for a Symbol didn’t you? I am giving you one.”
The wise man dipped the pen nib into the ink and drew something upon a blank pieces of paper. He then ripped the page out of the book, folded it and held it out to James. “Do not look at it now. Tonight, before you fall asleep, gaze at it. Make sure it’s the last thing you see before you close your eyes.”
Reaching out a shaking hand, James took hold of the paper. “Thank you.”
The wise man nodded. “Yes, be thankful. That’s the first step. Now go. You have a journey ahead of you.”
*
James wasn’t sure that this would work.
However, he was desperate. His life was shit. He had nothing left. James was angry all the time and he carried a weight with him where ever he went. He didn’t know who he was anymore.
He wasn’t sure how he had become so lost in his own life but he wanted to find his way out again. He wanted to live, not just wallow. Sometimes, the darkness was so strong, the fumes so thick, all he could do was let the darkness hold him. It was beginning to become a struggle to live without it.
If it took a Symbol to give himself the push he needed, so be it. He lay in bed and unfolded the paper. It was a doorway. The wise man had drawn one on the paper in three bold black lines with another little dash for a door handle. The ink had smudged and blurred on the paper, making it look as if the doorway was made of real wood.
James took it in and wondered why the wise man had drawn a doorway instead of a Symbol; or were they one and the same? That was his last thought before closing his eyes, the Symbol under his hands.
He wasn’t aware of when sleep took him. All James knew as that one moment, there was darkness-then one moment, there was light. James could see the outline of a door before him. He reached out into the darkness and grabbed hold of the doorknob, it’s metal cold under his hand.
James pulled the door open and saw not bright light, as he had expected, but just a different kind of darkness. He was in a cavern or cave made of dark stone flecked through with different coloured crystals. The light in the cavern came from those stones as something bright shone off of them. The walls looked as it were covered in stardust.
Walking towards the light source, James marvelled at how big the cavern was. It seemed to go on forever. Still James followed the light as if seemed to fly over the crystals bound in stone. It led him deeper and deeper into the cavern and, as he walked, James wondered how a light could survive in this darkness.
He made a few turns along the stone hallways and quickened his pace when the light began to grow brighter. The number of crystals in the stone did as well, sparkling more like stars. James made one final turn and came face to face with the light source. He was astounded to find a child.
The boy was young, around eight of nine. He head a mop of brown hair and wore John Lennon style glasses. He was also glowing. The light came from him. He was sitting on the stone floor touching his hands to the stone walls. Light left his fingers and ran through the crystals.
When he saw James, the boy stood and the and the light along the walls dimmed but he grew brighter. “Hello.” James said. “Who are you?”
“I’ve forgotten who I am.” The boy said. “I had a name once. I’ve been trying to remember it, but it’s so dark down here.”
“How long have you been down here?”
“I don’t know. It’s been forever. I can’t find my way out.”
“I can help you.” James said. “I came in through a doorway.”
“Will you help me? It’s been so long since I’ve seen the sunlight.”
“You seem to have a lot of light of your own.”
“Yes, but I need sunlight, not shadows. My light is fading, you see. Soon, I too will grow dark like this cavern.”
James’s ever present anger and moroseness melted at the sight of this boy. He felt familar to James, though he didn’t know why, but it was like he knew him. “How can I help you? What can I do?”
“Since you’ve been to the doorway, if you take my hand, I can lead us there.”
“How?”
“You’ve been through it. Though you may not remember how you got lost in the darkness, you can find your way out again. I’ll see the way through you.”
That didn’t make much sense to James, but he knew he would do anything for this child. He reached for the boy’s hand with his left one and the boy took it, his skin warm and soothing. As the boy strengthened his grip, James experienced a rush of warmth that ran up his left arm. It was like he were being filled with the boy’s light.
It moved through his shoulders and down his right arm. The light warmth throbbed in the centre of his palm and James cried out when his palm started to glow white like the boy’s skin.
“Don’t be afraid.” The boy said. “It will be okay.”
James’s palm grew brighter still until a light grew out of it like a flower. The light glowed brightly, so much so that he held it away from him and received another shock: the labyrinthine corridors of stone were gone.
Now there was only a large stone room. The boy and him at one end, the doorway glowing at the other side. James was confused. “Where are all the twists and turns I took to get here? This place was like a maze.”
The boy cocked his head too the left. “Well, even a maze can be made easier with a little light. It makes the path easier to see.”
They began walking towards the doorway, still hand in hand. They walked in silence for a little bit, the doorway even closer, when the boy spoke: “They used to call me Jamie.” The boy said.
“How do you know that? I thought you said you didn’t remember it.”
“I didn’t, until now. Until you found me. They used to call me Jamie.”
Something clicked front of them. James turned and saw the door open, brightness beyond. He turned to Jamie. “Did you do that?”
Jamie shook his head. “No, I didn’t. You’re the key. You always were.”
“The key to what?”
“To yourself.” Jamie said simply. “When you step through the doorway, don’t let go of my hand. Otherwise I’ll be stuck here again. Please don’t let go.”
“I won’t, I promise.”
Holding on tightly to Jamie’s hand, James and the boy stepped through the door…and found themselves in the wise man’s shop. The wise man looked up from the book he was reading. “Oh, you’re back. You’ve been gone quite a long time. I was starting to worry.”
James looked around him and then down at his left hand. It was empty and Jamie was gone. He was stuck back in the dark, even though he would swear he hadn’t let go, he had taken him out of the darkness. “Where’s Jamie? How is any of this possible?”
“Anything is possible if you believe in it strongly enough. You needn’t worry about the child. He’s fine.”
“Where is he? I let him down, I left him there.”
“No, you didn’t. Don’t you feel his light inside of you? He’s with you again.”
“I don’t understand. How did the doorway bring me back here? Where did he go?”
“Jamie lives inside of you again and I made the door. It led to where you needed it to go, but it’s still my door. I wanted to see if you would make it through.”
“I still don’t understand any of this. What the hell was all that?”
“There will be time for questions later. Come and see me any time you want to. I am always here. However, isn’t it time you went out into the sun? It’s such a bright day out.”
James looked at the doorway to the shop. Sun poured in through it and he thought he had never seen anything so beautiful. He walked over to the wise man and hugged him, trying to communicate something he had no words for.
The wise man broke the embrace and patted James on the shoulder. “Go on now. the sunlight is waiting.”
James nodded and walked towards the doorway, hearing the sound of wind chimes and bird song. The world was full of brightness whereas before it had only been shades of grey. The world looked full of promise now, full of colour.
He took a deep breath and stepped through the doorway and into the light…
Posted on March 19, 2014 by Jamieson Wolf
I was in a shop that sold time.
The shop was filled with tick tocking
and soft plinks as grains of sand
hit against glass. All kinds of watches
were on display. As I looked around
the shop, I noticed the people within.
They were all men I had been with,
men that I had loved, at one time
or another. They all turned towards me.
Each came closer, holding out
a watch for me. The first
held out a watch made from
glass, it’s strap covered
in shards that would only
draw blood from me.
“You would look wonderful wearing this.”
I backed away from him.
“No, I don’t want that.”
The next man held out a watch
with a strap made from barbed wire.
“You should wear this one.”
I pushed it away. “I can’t wear that.”
Then one held out a woman’s watch,
covered in pearls and rubies.
“This one would look great on you.”
“No.” I said. “It wouldn’t.”
The next man held out a watch made from
steel and it looked heavy and cold.
“This is your watch.” He said.
I shook my head again.
“No, it’s not.” I turned and looked
at the room of men I had
loved and shook my head.
“None of you knew me at all.” I said.
“I choose none of the watches.”
I looked at each of the men in the eye,
met each of their stares with my own.
“I tell my own time now.”
When I left the shop,
It was without a watch but with
all the time in the world.
Posted on March 12, 2014 by Jamieson Wolf
everywhere I went. She would
leave a trail of cards behind her
as if they were flower petals.
I would approach her, hoping
that she would slow down and
I would be able to catch up
just out of my reach. I tried
to collect the cards, but they
would start to melt,
turning to water before I could
begin to gather them.
I was able to see colours and shapes
before they faded away
but nothing more.
Another woman saw me
trying to gather the cards.
She carried a staff that
shone with a light all its own.
“The Empress is trying to
tell you something.”
I noticed that this woman
was wearing a golden
helmet with two horns that
twisted into the sky. When I
looked again, the horns were gone.
“What’s that?” I said. “What
Is she trying to tell me?”
The woman with the horns
shrugged. “Only you can know.
However, I can give you a piece
of advice. If you’re willing to listen.”
It was my turn to shrug. “Okay.
I’m listening.” I stood there,
the puddles left by the cards
forming a line of water along
the pavement. The water
looked like jewels catching the sun.
“Don’t look for what you think
your heart wants. That will lead
to disappointment. Instead,
listen to your heart. It will tell
you what it needs.”
“When?” I said. I tried to keep
the frustration out of my voice.
“When you’re willing to listen.”
She said. She bowed her head to me,
and followed the path that
the Empress had taken, using
the water to guide her.
I noticed that she had a
golden disk strapped to her back.
As she moved away from me,
I blinked again and the horns returned.
I watched her until the shadows claimed her.
I returned home to find a small package
on my front stoop surrounded
by water. I picked it up and
unwrapped it, revealing a deck of cards.
I knew this was from the Empress.
These were the cards that had
trailed behind her like flower petals.
I took the cards inside and
as I flipped through them,
I listened to what the Empress
had to say.
Posted on March 7, 2014 by Jamieson Wolf
into the club,
all I saw
was smoke. It
twisted in the
air around me
like wishes released
on a sigh,
taking form only
when it left
the person’s lips.
The majority of
the smoke came
from two women
sitting at a
wooden table lit
by a candle
stuck inside of
a wine bottle.
The candle spluttered
and shook when
the women blew
out their smoke
wishes. One of
them turned to
me and waved
her hand through
the fog of
wishes not spoken.
Honey, what you doing all alone?
You look a little lost. Come and sit with us.
We won’t bite unless you ask us to.
I nodded and
took a seat.
She had blond
hair, the other
had black and
both wore it
in tight ringlet’s.
Look, Anna, he’s blushing!
Oh, I haven’t seen a man sensible enough to blush in years.
Don’t be shy honey. Here, have a glass of spirits.
If it’s called spirits, it must be good for the spirit, right?
I nodded again
and took the
glass that was
offered to me.
The liquid inside
was clear and
I wondered what
it was. I took
a sip and
my throat started
burning immediately. I
started to cough
and shake. The
blond haired one
patted my hand.
Oh sugar, this your first time
with a drink? Here, try a cigarette
instead. It’s an easier vice.
I took one
and she leaned
forward to light
it for me.
In the brilliance
of the flame
I saw what
I didn’t before.
Are you a man?
I asked, not
thinking before I
spoke. She looked
at me with
a smile on
her round face.
Oh honey, don’t you wish.
I may have a dick, but I’m
all woman. Don’t you forget it!
Anna, don’t scare the poor boy, he doesn’t
know where he is and he doesn’t need
you frightening him.
Well, Gaia, the boy has to know.
He has to understand. He has
to comprehend whey we are
the way we are.
I took another
drag off of
the cigarette and
let my wishes
join the others
in the air.
What do I have to understand?
Well sugar, it’s like this. We may have
been born as men, but we’re woman,
though and through. It’s as simple
as that.
I shook my
head and the
room wavered. I
took another sip
of spirit juice,
another drag of
wishes. The black
haired one, Gaia,
smiled at me.
Anna forgets that it’s not so simple.
It takes people a long time to learn
this, but I’m going to tell you for free.
This is important. You may not speak easy,
but you listen well. So are you listening?
I nodded and took
more wishes into
my lungs. I
imagined it filling
me with light.
What you have to remember
is this: we are who we choose to be.
You want to be a writer?
Be a writer. You want to be fabulous,
be fabulous. You got it?
I nodded, but
something nagged at
me. I took
another drag off
my wish stick.
It can’t be that simple. You can’t just choose to be who you want to be.
Anna laughed and
patted my hand
again. She cackled
like she’d never
heard anything funnier.
Of course it is honey! You are
the only one standing in your own
way. Your whole life is out there,
waiting to be lived. So give yourself
a kick in the ass to get out of your
own way and live it. Now
make a wish.
I stared at
them, their kind
faces, the make-up
starting to slide
off their skin
from the heat
in the bar.
It was their
light I saw,
shining from within.
I took another
drag off my
cigarette and let
the smoke flow
from my mouth
to join the
cloud that hung
above us. My
wish was made.
I already knew
who I would
choose to be.
I just had
to get out
of my way
and live the
dream worth living.
Posted on February 23, 2014 by Jamieson Wolf
through the jewellery
box, the bits
and pieces that
I held on
to. It was
a wooden box
with six drawers
made from unvarnished
wood. Each drawer
held something different.
The bottom one
held watches, the
middle two bracelets
and necklaces. The
forth and fifth
drawer held trinkets.
She pointed at
the sixth drawer.
What’s in that one?
It’s my graveyard.
I said quietly.
You’re what?
I have the rings from every failed relationship in there.
Why would you hold on to those? Why would you keep them?
To remember.
What exactly is it that you’re remembering? How the relationships ended?
I looked down
at the rings,
at the symbols
they had been
that had meant
so much to
me. One had
been in the
graveyard so long
that even the
stone had turned
from purple to
black. I looked
at the rings,
at the bonds
that they had
symbolized. Five rings
that had seemed
to mean so
much at the
time, however, their
light had dimmed,
the graveyard dark.
Do you think I should throw them out?
Well, it is your pack and purge party before the big move.
I took the
rings in my
hand and walked
to one of
the garbage bins.
I held out
my hand. I
thought of what
to say, to
commemorate the occasion.
Thanks for nothing.
I said, and
prepared to drop
them in the
garbage. She stopped
me. She shook
her head and
said very firmly.
They weren’t the right men for you. But they were what you needed then.
She looked at
me solemnly and
spoke these words:
Thank you for giving him what he needed then, but now he doesn’t need you anymore. He’s letting you go.
She let go
of my hand
and I let
the rings slide
from my hand
and let go.
She closed the
bag and I
looked toward the
future.

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Jamieson Wolf has written a compelling story about navigating multiple sclerosis and cerebral palsy. His story will touch your heart, make you cry, then laugh, and inspire you. A touching memoir with a bit of magic…and tarot! ~ Theresa Reed, author of The Tarot Coloring Book
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