Number-one bestselling author

I stand in front of a wall.
It shifts and moves in front of me
and I look at the shapes
that are within the colours.
I take in its shifting and morphing flow,
mesmerised by what is before me.
There are faces contained by the water,
skylines and waterways,
dreams that have laid forgotten
waiting to come to the surface once more.
I can hear voices whispering to me,
snippets of song and rhymes
that I used to know.
Reaching out,
I touch the wall and realize
that it is not stone in front of me
but a wall of water.
It moves with life and with purpose,
deeper than I can possibly know
and just as infinite.
I close my eyes to hear the sound
of the water more clearly.
Instead of darkness,
I can see the water as it moves
and splashes into the empty crevices,
filling up the shadow with blue.
There is an intense calm inside me
and I watch from within
as the colour of the water darkens.
It takes me deeper inside myself,
urging me not to be afraid.
I open my eyes and look at the wall
of what I now know is water.
Removing my hand,
I watch as ripples form in the surface
and I can feel the same ripples
as they move within me.
I stare at the wall in front of me,
realizing that I am being given a view
into the depths of my emotions,
the spaces that they can fill up,
filled with both light and shadow.
I wonder if I took a boat and sailed
upon those waters,
so blue and so deep,
where would they lead me?
I stare entranced at a portal
that shows my internal landscape.
I watch as a small boat does appear
as if I wished it there.
I close my eyes to watch
as it embarks on a journey
of discovery,
and I wonder what
it will find.

I was raised to hate myself.
“Did you see that guy wearing earrings?”
My father would ask this
with a note of ridicule in his voice.
“Probably a homo.”
He would say,
holding his hand out with a limp wrist
and proceeding to talk
in a high pitched falsetto.
“Your wife will love these!”
He looked at me, a tinkle in his eyes
as he waited for me to laugh.
One time my friends and I
were going to the Olive Garden.
“You know who works there?”
He asked us. We all shook our heads.
“That restaurant is full of homos.”
He told us, as if sharing some dark secret,
whispering the words the words in a hiss.
“Be careful he doesn’t touch your food. You never know where they’ve been.”
Later, at dinner, we were served by a man
who was so completely himself.
He sashayed towards our table
and after he took our order,
my friends laughed at his antics.
It was like they were laughing at me.
Each peel of laughter was like a nail in my skin,
trying to keep my secret inside.
I knew that I wasn’t like other boys,
that there was something different about me.
I was what my family laughed at,
what my friends gossiped about in school.
There was this one boy that was in a few of my classes.
I watched him transform himself,
first cutting his hair and dying it red,
then experimenting with makeup.
The more he became himself,
the fewer friends he had.
I looked at him,
blooming like a flower,
shedding the layers that were no longer him
to become what he always was underneath.
I watched him walk bravely through the school hallways,
letting the wings he had grown flow out behind him.
I wondered if anyone else could see them
and I wished that I was brave enough to be him.
Things got worse at home.
I couldn’t stop myself from being who I was,
no matter how hard I tried.
I was in this constant cycle with myself:
hate, disgust, fear, hate, loathing, fear.
I knew what I was but could never say the word out loud.
I tried desperately to keep it inside,
to stop the light shining through the pores of my skin.
I hated myself so much
but could never bring myself
to voice who I was,
what I was.
My father knew and he hated me for it.
He tried everything in his power to keep me straight,
to clip my wings so that I did not shine.
Eventually he succeeded and I felt them torn from me.
My wings lay glittering on the ground.
I mourned that part of me,
those wings that had never gotten a chance to fly.
I finally left home at sixteen,
and though I walked on legs that were
made of cracked and crumbling glass,
the hate began to fade.
The want to hurt myself for what I was
slowly went away.
In my head,
where my fathers voice had been,
it had begun to grow quieter
and my own voice began to grow stronger.
As I began to use my own voice,
I would stand in front of the mirror
and look at myself.
I would press a finger to the glass
and tell myself:
“I know what you are, and I love you.”
My wings grew a little
each time I said those words.
Now, my wings spread into the sky
and they flutter behind me as I walk.
Now, my wings are strong enough
to fly.

Once
upon a time,
I believed that my story
had come to an end,
and that the last chapter
had already been written.
More,
I wanted to end it
and didn’t want to go on.
I didn’t think I could survive
my life as it had become.
At my lowest moment,
I tried to take my life
but I wasn’t able to.
I sat there,
unable to feel the sun
as it shone on my face,
wondering what had to change.
Later,
I realized that it was the story
that I was telling.
It was the narrative of my life
that I was putting out there
into the world
which had to change.
I put my fingers to the keyboard
and tried to write a new story,
a new narrative that would
tell a different tale
than the one I’d been living.
Soon,
words filled the air around me
as they flowed from my pen,
the scratching of ink and paper
or the clacking of my fingers on the keyboard
like a music that filled the space
around the words.
They floated into the air
and I watched as they
slipped through the window
and into the sky,
like silent wishes sent to the sun.
Then,
a light began to follow me
and I could not shake it,
couldn’t leave it behind.
It took me some time to realize
that the light was coming from me.
The people around me changed as well;
they went from those who
wanted to change me
to those who accepted me just as I am.
My light began to burn so brightly
that even I couldn’t help be charmed
by its constant warmth
and the whisper of a song
that only I could hear.
There was a whispering
that the light carried
and I knew that this
was the power of the story
that I chose to tell.
Now,
my life is so much different
than the life that I thought was mine.
It has taught me what courage really is.
Looking at my life,
I know that the final chapter
has yet to be written
and that it is all about choice.
Until then,
I will keep writing and listening
to the music within the words.
I will choose the story that
wants to be told
and will watch as the sky
fills up with words around
me.
* With thanks to Ami McKay

There are moments in my life
that I carry within me.
Sometimes,
I flip through them
as if they were polaroid’s,
memories preserved in sepia tones,
the colour in them beginning to fade
around the edges.
There are some moments
from when I was growing up,
seconds caught with friends and family,
moments that I found with people
who brought me joy
within the dark.
I put those memories aside
and pick up a new box that glitters.
I hold the box gently,
almost with reverence.
I’ve held this box before.
As I take the lid off the box
so that I can look inside,
some of the glitter from the inside
spills on to my fingers.
I take the photos in my hand and,
as I flip through them,
I see your face in every photo.
We are with friends and family,
but my gaze is drawn to your face,
to the light that comes from you.
You are my joy within the dark,
the light that shows me the way.
As I look back through every moment
that you have given me,
I am reminded again why I love you
and why you are the light that shone
though the shadows.
I could see nothing but shadows
until you came into my life
to show me how much light was within me.
As I flip through each moment we’ve lived together,
the sparkles have multiplied,
covering every inch of me,
so that when my light shines from within,
it reflects and shines and glows,
a multifaceted light burns so brightly.
I rub the cover of the box gently as I put the photos away,
my memories caught in time and stardust,
and slide the back on the shelf,
knowing that I will be back soon.
I turn from looking within me to look beside me.
You sit beside me
and I wonder what I did to deserve you,
what kind of intergalactic lottery I won
so that I can wake up to you every day
and fall asleep beside you every night.
I look at you and you take my hand in yours.
At your touch,
I can feel the sparkles within
beginning to multiply
and make my light grow
brighter.