I couldn’t keep

all of myself

inside of me.

There was too

much of it,

too much shadow

and darkness, grief

and self-doubt and

it consumed me,

filling me with

a tar-like substance

that would slip

through my skin,

staining my clothes.

A smell came

from my clothes

and there was

a look about me

of quiet desperation.

I could barely

walk at that point

and was like

the third part

of the Sphinxes

riddle. I was

cold in even

in the heat

of the sun.

I was lost

within myself no

longer able to

hold myself together.

I was breaking

like glass streaked

with smoke. I

sat in the sun,

its fierce brightness

shining down on

me and I felt

nothing. I closed

my eyes and

drifted on a

dark turbulent sea

that threw its waves

against the inside

of me. Tears

slipped out of

my eyes like

black pearls. They

landed in my

lap and I

tried to catch

them. It was

then that she

spoke to me:

“Now why would you want to hold on to that shit for?”

I opened my

eyes and saw

a woman sitting

beside me. She

had kind eyes,

deep golden brown.

The sun shone

around her like

a halo. She

was motioning

at the pearls

of my despair.

“They are all I have left.”

I told her.

The words were

thick coming out

of my mouth.

“They are all I know now.”

She gave me a

kind look of

such understanding, of

knowing that more

black pearls began

to slide, slide

down my cheeks.

“You can’t heal with all of that inside you if you don’t let all of that go, how do you expect to fill the empty spaces with something else?”

I looked at

her and couldn’t

tell what age

she was. She

could be twenty

or thirty-five. She

reached out and

took my hands

in hers. The

pearls in my

palms fell to

the ground. Her

hands were as

warm as the sun.

I shook my head,

uttering words that

I had kept close,

inside the shadows.

“I don’t know what to do now. I’m so afraid all the time. I can’t live like this. I’ve been thinking of ending it, just calling it quits. Of giving up.”

She gave me

another look of

understanding, as if

she had been

exactly where I

was before, as

if she knew.

She nodded and

didn’t have to say

anything but

then she did,

in the softest,

kindest of voices.

“You are not a quitter. It’s not in you. Let the darkness go. It will be okay.”

She squeezed my

hand and I knew

that it would

be. I nodded

and even that

small movement of

agreement was like

a knife blade

severing that which

had been holding

me back. The broken

shadows began to

fall away from

me, a slow

trickle of pearls

that plunked and

plinked and clicked

on the grass

and the bench.

The trickle soon

increased, real tears,

stained black by

the smoke shadows

inside of me

flowing from my

eyes. I tried

to cover my

eyes to stem

the flow of

the tears. She

pulled my hands

back down into

my lap. I

looked at her.

“When the darkness is gone, what do I fill the emptiness with?  I’ve lived with these shadows for so long. I don’t know who I am anymore.”

She interlaced her

fingers in mine

and the heat

from her hands

increased, filling me

with such warmth.

“You can fill the emptiness with new things. Let the past go. Only then can you discover who you are meant to be.”

I nodded again,

the motion another

swipe at the

web of smoke

and shadow that

I wore around

myself. The tears

came then, a

flood of black

tears that soaked

my shirt, my

clothes, the grass.

They stopped for

a moment, as

if taking a

breath or pause.

Then more tears

came, but they

were not filled

with smoke. These

were real tears,

clear and pure.

They became

a torrent that

lifted the black

pearls and slid

them along through

the grass, away

from me. Once

the last black

pearl vanished, the

tears stopped, I

sat there, wet

with spent emotion

and looked at

the woman again.

She had not

let go, had

held my hands

the entire time.

“Do you feel better?”

She asked me.

“Yes.”

I said. I

felt empty but

I didn’t feel

heavy anymore. I

wasn’t weighed down

by my past.

I had let

it all go.

“Good,”

She said, her

voice kind, soft.

“Now the healing can begin.”

“What will happen?”

“You’ll let your true self shine. That’s all you have to do.”

The sun framing

her head like

a halo grew

brighter and I

had to look

away, close my

eyes. When the

sun dimmed, I

looked back. The

woman was gone,

but I still

felt her hands

grasping mine and

I realized I

no longer felt

alone.

She was sitting

at her vanity

mirror when I

walked into her

bed chamber. She

stared at herself

in mirror,

frowning. A sad

look made

her face seem

longer than it

was. She saw

me come into

the room and

turned to me.

He eyes were

bloodshot and lost.

What’s wrong? What has you so upset?

There was no

build up to

her sadness or

her anguish. I

wanted to take

her pain away.

Look at me! Look at what I’ve become! I used to be beautiful!

She reached out

a hand to

touch the mirror.

It began to

shimmer and the

surface rippled like

water. As I

watched, the mirrors

reflection changed, Now

it was as

if we were

looking at a

large photo. Her

younger self stared

back at us.

I used to be beautiful! Look at me then! I had everything! High cheek bones,

plump lips, tits that didn’t sag.

As I watched,

her skin began

to glow along

the lines of

her wrinkles, as

if her younger

self was shining

through, trying to

get out again.

I went to

her and put

a hand on her

shoulder. She looked

up at me.

You are beautiful.

I said. She

made a derisive

noise in the

back of her

throat and rolled

her eyes. Her

skin still glowed.

You are. You bring joy to many and just by knowing you, 

their lives are made more beautiful.

Would you want to be a carbon copy

of what you used to be?

The glow from

her skin began

to dim. It

was softer now

and growing duller

by the moment.

You really think so? You really, truly think so?

You’re beautiful as you are.

I told her.

The mirror

behind us began

to shimmer once

more and when

the ripples stopped,

another picture had

taken its place.

Now, there was

a photo of

her as she

was. She looked

closely at herself.

The smile she

wore was brilliant

like the sun.

She touched the

glass and at

her touch, the

picture inside the

mirror faded. As

it did, the

glow from her

skin increased until

she was bathed

in light. She

turned back to

me and took

my hand in

hers. There were

tears sliding down

her cheeks, her

lips curved in

a brilliant smile.

I’m beautiful as I am.

She said. The

light from her

grew brighter still.

She let out

a laugh that

was like music.

I’m beautiful as I am. 

The first time I saw you,

I heard the rustle of leaves.

Looking down at your feet,

I expected to see them there,

covering the floor,

but it was bare.

The first time you took my hand,

I heard the whisper of leaves

and a breeze rose up

around us. It was filled

not with leaves, but

with fractures of light

filling the air like dreams

given physical form.

The first time we kissed,

I once again heard

the crinkle of leaves.

Opening my eyes,

I saw they surrounded us,

fluttering through the air,

as if we were at the centre

of a whirlwind.

When you took your lips

away from mine,

the beautiful leaves

gave a happy sigh,

as if in content and

flew into the wind

away from us.

As they flew up

towards the sky,

so did my heart,

swelling full of wind

infused with wishes

made reality. Letting out

a happy sigh of my own,

I leaned in to kiss you again

and heard only

the sound of wind

and wishes fulfilled.

 

 * For Michael who is a wish granted. 

How are you sir?

 

I turned around

and saw the

man who had

been working the

table in front

of me. The

table was covered

in all sorts

of rings and

things that glittered.

 

I’m fine, thank you.

 

And how is your pocket?

 

My pocket?

 

I reached into

it and pulled

out some Kleenex

and a pack

of gum. I

showed them to

him, unsure of

what this was

about. A woman

behind him said:

 

Where did you put the silver ring?

 

It’s right there on the table.

 

I didn’t like

where this was

going. Being accused

of theft amongst

a crowd of

people, all of

them looking at

me. I pointed:

 

It’s right there, in the display tray.

 

I saw you put something into your pocket. Make him empty the other one.

 

The woman was

scowling, trying to

figure out what

I had done

when I had

done nothing wrong.

 

Would you mind sir? Empty the other pocket please.

 

I nodded, not

wanting to anger

either of them.

I unzipped my

pocket and the

store became brighter

as if lit

by the sun.

 

What is that?

 

Another woman said

this, and she

leaned down to

look in my

coat pocket. I

saw more light

as she opened

it further. She

let out a

small, soft cry.

When she stood,

she was crying

but a smile

was on her

face, making her

ten years younger.

 

I just saw myself dancing with my husband. That was fifty years ago and he’s ten years gone. It was the happiest moment of my life. Thank you.

 

She touched my

arm and another

person moved forward,

this time a

man. He was

old and walked

with a cane.

 

Mind if I have a look?

 

He bent down

and looked inside

my pocket. The

brilliance of light

increased around us.

He let the

pocket close and

stood back up.

He was smiling

from ear to

ear, and his

smile radiated a

glow that matched

his eyes. He

shook my hand.

 

Thank you, sir! Thank you! I saw the day I met my husband. We’ve been together for thirty years but only got married a few years ago. God, he looked so good back then. Still does.

 

He gave me

his cane with

a roguish wink.

 

I won’t be needing this anymore.

 

People began to

gather closer to

me, all of

them looking at

my pocket with

intense curiosity. The

woman who had

accused me stared

with something like

hunger. The man

who ran the

store came closer.

 

Can you empty your pocket sir? I’d like to see what’s in there for myself.

 

I nodded, not

sure of what

else to say.

 

Don’t do it! It’s a trick! He’s working magic!

 

She licked her

lips as she

said this, hungry

even for something

she didn’t understand.

I reached into

my pocket and

felt something there,

a sphere shaped

object. Slowly I

pulled it out

of my pocket

The brightness was

instantaneous and as

I held onto

the sphere, the

light grew even

brighter still. I

wondered if the

light was coming

from the sphere

or from me.

As more people

cried out, each

seeing the moment

in their lives

that had made

them the happiest,

I could resist

no longer. I

looked directly into

the light and

saw a man’s

face. I wondered

who he could

be, who he

was. I had

never seen him

before. The light

began to dim

slowly as if

receeding back into

the sphere. When

it was dark

again, I looked

up and saw

the man I

had seen in

the light across

the room, looking

right at me.

As he walked

towards me, I

could feel the

sphere grow warm.

As he drew

closer to me,

brightness bloomed once

more. Then he

was right in

front of me

and took my

free hand in his.

The brilliance grew

brighter still until

we were both

bathed in light.