When I walked

into the club,

all I saw

was smoke. It

twisted in the

air around me

like wishes released

on a sigh,

taking form only

when it left

the person’s lips.

The majority of

the smoke came

from two women

sitting at a

wooden table lit

by a candle

stuck inside of

a wine bottle.

The candle spluttered

and shook when

the women blew

out their smoke

wishes. One of

them turned to

me and waved

her hand through

the fog of

wishes not spoken.

Honey, what you doing all alone?

You look a little lost. Come and sit with us.

We won’t bite unless you ask us to.

I nodded and

took a seat.

She had blond

hair, the other

had black and

both wore it

in tight ringlet’s.

Look, Anna, he’s blushing!

Oh, I haven’t seen a man sensible enough to blush in years.

Don’t be shy honey. Here, have a glass of spirits.

If it’s called spirits, it must be good for the spirit, right?

I nodded again

and took the

glass that was

offered to me.

The liquid inside

was clear and

I wondered what

it was. I took

a sip and

my throat started

burning immediately. I

started to cough

and shake. The

blond haired one

patted my hand.

Oh sugar, this your first time

with a drink? Here, try a cigarette

instead. It’s an easier vice.

I took one

and she leaned

forward to light

it for me.

In the brilliance

of the flame

I saw what

I didn’t before.

Are you a man?

I asked, not

thinking before I

spoke. She looked

at me with

a smile on

her round face.

Oh honey, don’t you wish.

I may have a dick, but I’m

all woman. Don’t you forget it!

Anna, don’t scare the poor boy, he doesn’t

know where he is and he doesn’t need

you frightening him.

Well, Gaia, the boy has to know.

He has to understand. He has

to comprehend whey we are

the way we are.

I took another

drag off of

the cigarette and

let my wishes

join the others

in the air.

What do I have to understand?

Well sugar, it’s like this. We may have

been born as men, but we’re woman,

though and through. It’s as simple

as that.

I shook my

head and the

room wavered. I

took another sip

of spirit juice,

another drag of

wishes. The black

haired one, Gaia,

smiled at me.

Anna forgets that it’s not so simple.

It takes people a long time to learn

this, but I’m going to tell you for free.

This is important. You may not speak easy,

but you listen well. So are you listening?

I nodded and took

more wishes into

my lungs. I

imagined it filling

me with light.

What you have to remember

is this: we are who we choose to be.

You want to be a writer?

Be a writer. You want to be fabulous,

be fabulous. You got it?

I nodded, but

something nagged at

me. I took

another drag off

my wish stick.

It can’t be that simple. You can’t just choose to be who you want to be.

Anna laughed and

patted my hand

again. She cackled

like she’d never

heard anything funnier.

Of course it is honey! You are

the only one standing in your own

way. Your whole life is out there,

waiting to be lived. So give yourself

a kick in the ass to get out of your

own way and live it. Now

make a wish.

I stared at

them, their kind

faces, the make-up

starting to slide

off their skin

from the heat

in the bar.

It was their

light I saw,

shining from within.

I took another

drag off my

cigarette and let

the smoke flow

from my mouth

to join the

cloud that hung

above us. My

wish was made.

I already knew

who I would

choose to be.

I just had

to get out

of my way

and live the

dream worth living.

We were going

through the jewellery

box, the bits

and pieces that

I held on

to. It was

a wooden box

with six drawers

made from unvarnished

wood. Each drawer

held something different.

The bottom one

held watches, the

middle two bracelets

and necklaces. The

forth and fifth

drawer held trinkets.

She pointed at

the sixth drawer.

What’s in that one?

It’s my graveyard.

I said quietly.

You’re what?

I have the rings from every failed relationship in there.

Why would you hold on to those? Why would you keep them?

To remember.

What exactly is it that you’re remembering? How the relationships ended?

I looked down

at the rings,

at the symbols

they had been

that had meant

so much to

me. One had

been in the

graveyard so long

that even the

stone had turned

from purple to

black. I looked

at the rings,

at the bonds

that they had

symbolized. Five rings

that had seemed

to mean so

much at the

time, however, their

light had dimmed,

the graveyard dark.

Do you think I should throw them out?

Well, it is your pack and purge party before the big move.

I took the

rings in my

hand and walked

to one of

the garbage bins.

I held out

my hand. I

thought of what

to say, to

commemorate the occasion.

Thanks for nothing.

I said, and

prepared to drop

them in the

garbage. She stopped

me. She shook

her head and

said very firmly.

They weren’t the right men for you. But they were what you needed then.

She looked at

me solemnly and

spoke these words:

Thank you for giving him what he needed then, but now he doesn’t need you anymore. He’s letting you go.

She let go

of my hand

and I let

the rings slide

from my hand

and let go.

She closed the

bag and I

looked toward the

future.

I was in a dark mood,

had been for days.

I walked down the

sidewalk and I passed by

a homeless woman.

I walked a little further

and then stopped.

Here was something

that I could do,

something that would

make me feel better.

I took out a handful

of change and walked

back to the homeless woman.

I put the money

into her battered

McDonald’s cup,

thinking she was probably

going to spend it on

booze or drugs.

It didn’t matter,

I had done my good deed.

I went into the bookstore

to give myself

a Zen moment and

the homeless woman

walked in behind me.

“Do you have that book you put on hold for me? I finally have enough! I got enough to get my book!”

The man behind

the cash went to get

her book and

I stood there, stunned.

I had assumed that

she’d be using the

money I’d given her

for something else

entirely. Never did it

occur to me that

she’d buy a book.

She stood there

holding the book

like a child and

the look on her face,

one of sheer joy

and absolute bliss,

was all I needed

to chase my dark mood

away.